18/10/2009

I've always wanted a best friend. So much so that at one point I couldn't seem to find the person to become my best friend, I gave up. I summed it down to the fact that I am such a moody brat that no one will ever put up with me. I concluded that I will always have close friends, but never have a best friend. What's the difference between the two, you ask? My definition is, close friends are people you regularly hang out with, have inside jokes with and know quite well. Someone who you enjoy chilling with. Whereas a best friend is someone who will be there for you thick and thin, no matter what the time of day it is. A person who you wouldn't baring your heart and soul too. A person who you wouldn't mind sharing your embarrassing childhood secrets with. A person you could cry in front of, show your weaknesses to. And excuse me for being cheesy, a person who knows you so much and is so close with you that you can finish each other's sentences.

I think I get jealous. No use denying it now, or trying to water down the fact that I'm jealous by substituting 'jealous' with 'confused' or 'in need of'. There's this inane longing for us to be the one everyone likes. When I see people who everyone seems to love and be at ease with, I look at them and think, they are not that perfect. They have their flaws. Either that they are quiet, or eccentric, or have weird taste in music. So what is so special about them that makes people want to hang out with them all the time or shower them with special, sometimes pricey gifts?

Maybe it's because they seem to have a loving character. Or care even though they know they don't have to. Or it's because they have a positive vibe which emanates into everyone that befriends them. Or maybe it's because they have that overall 'look' to them that makes you say, "I want to be friends with that person".

In every stage of my life so far I have come across this type of person - the person everybody loves. And the fact that they seem to avoid me puts me down. I am the total opposite of them - the person everybody hates. This only reveals more of my ugly side - the jealousy. No one likes being disliked, especially when the dislike towards them is being shown so blatantly.

Then again there are times when I think to myself, maybe I'm being choosy, maybe I'm limiting my social scope. As crazy as it sounds, there might be other people out there who want to be my friend. Anyone will be your friend if you let them.

If I were to be honest with you, if you had known me circa 10 years ago, you would have asked me to go to somewhere terrible. Terrible, hot and burning. You wouldn't have given me a chance. My classmates back then probably gave me that chance out of pity. I think now I am a slightly watered down version of the 10 years ago me. My aim is to sandpaper that version, get rid of the kinks and keep the smooth parts. That way I purge myself of the ugly traits and keep the (very few in comparison) good ones, therefore making me, still me. Only better. I can't change who I am, and I don't want to. But I can be better.

Since I've made it clear that I am choosy, maybe you're wondering what criteria I look for in a best friend? Understanding, honest, have a great sense of humour, caring, knows when to leave me alone when I need to be alone. The best friend wishlist is just too much and too impossible. I may as well be best friends with a programmed robot. But you know who has all those qualities (and more!)? Allah. Remembering Him makes my life more sweeter- I think it's the realisation that no matter how much crap you have to deal in your life, you know that there's always a reason why it happens and there is something better coming your way. Allah gives us hope, something I gave up on before. I've learnt that being optimistic doesn't hurt all the time.

In fact, optimism makes you a lot calmer. And if I practice that enough, I could just smooth away those kinks. Let's hope for a better me, personality-wise and Iman-wise. Happy 22nd birthday to me.