Education and me

I was thinking of how my birthday will be in about a week's time. How at 22 years old I feel that I have not accomplished anything significant. I am like a drone, doing things because I have to just to get by. What goals do I have? What am I working towards? I bet many college students are thinking the same thing, worrying that they don't know where they are heading towards in life, career-wise. I am at the bottom of the pit, no significance to any part of the working society. There is my very unimpressive CV, no worthy work experience, lack of useful talent, absolutely mediocre people skills. What do I have to offer at my age? I feel it's too late. But sure, sure, it's never too late, age is just a number. However, is that only for the wishful thinkers who pride themselves on being optimistic?

I'm at a stage where I find myself often looking back in my past and thinking what I have done wrong so much that Allah warranted me these punishments. What have I done, what have people around me done? Not succeeding in my studies and not achieving the goals that my parents aspired. Being a disappointing daughter, worst yet, a disappointing eldest child.

Take it from me people, if you decide to have kids, have more than one. Have at least two. So that if one screws up, there's always another to rely on. I am glad my sister is doing well in her academic undertakings. We certainly had different academic upbringings- we went to different schools, and she had the privilege of going to one of the best schools in the country. She is definitely different in character from myself. Although she was more rebellious than I was when I was her age, she had the guts to take a stand for what she wanted. She took part in a lot of ECAs (Extra-Curricular Activities) and national school competitions. She also attended a youth camp in Singapore, if I'm not mistaken during early summer last year. I don't know where the difference in our character was generated from, maybe it was because we went to different schools and she received better education than I did being she was in one of the best schools in Brunei (not that I'm saying my secondary school sucked - there are definitely pros and cons for each).

I remember when I was in Form 3 and the school was trying to implement ECAs to become CCAs (Compulsory Curricular Activities - just like the Science School did). This idea was short-lived however, and did not follow through. Typical? Anyway, at the time I wanted to sign up for the Taekwondo club. My dad flat out refused, with the reasoning that it was a rough sport and that he did not want me become 'tomboy-ish'. I thought his reason was absurd, and I still do now. What kind of excuse is that? I told my sister about this recently and she reasoned with me saying that Taekwondo uniforms are expensive, and that was why my dad refused to let me join the Taekwondo club. Now that reason makes more sense, but if it was so, why didn't my dad say so in the first place?

How humiliating is it that my sister thought about this quicker than I did? A 17 year old has more sense than I do.

I will never truly understand why parents want what they want for their children, until I have children of my own. I certainly know that when I have kids, I want them to grow up in a Islamically aware environment. I do not want them to go astray as I did. At least that's one thing that I know what every parent wants for their kids- to not repeat the same mistakes that they made when they were younger.

My dad was born in the early 60s and grew up in a very average family with 7 brothers and 3 sisters. My late grandfather was a roadworks foreman and my late grandmother did a fair share of odd jobs, mostly housekeeping. Their jobs often demanded them to be out of the house regularly, and for most of his young teen life, my dad grew up living under the care of a retired family friend. My dad would make a few dollars of his own selling bananas at the market. Brunei was still under British residency during the time, not as developed as the country is now, and good education was hard to come by for kids from large and average families. My dad went to Berakas English School, now known as Berakas Secondary School. Leaving the school with not so impressive O Levels, my grandfather and my uncle, advised him to continue his studies at the Teachers' Training College, where he would later graduate with a teaching certificate. That was also where he met my mom.

After graduating from the college and getting jobs as secondary school teachers, my mom and dad got married and a year later I came into the world. I was too young to know why, but I am guessing that my dad was determined to get a better education. Maybe to provide for the family better, or maybe he had an inner desire to excel academically. In 1991 he attended a short course at Pulau Pinang, Malaysia, and towards the end of this course, my mother gave birth to my sister. In 1993 my dad enrolled at UBD, to do a BA in Primary Education. He graduated in 1996 (back then the courses were three years and not four like what UBD currently offers) and worked at a local government primary school before being transferred to the Ministry of Education in 1999. He seemed to enjoy his work there, and looks like he still does. In 2001 he enrolled at UBD again, this time to further his studies doing an MA in Education Management.

All that for promotion or raise,or to really broaden his knowledge, I don't know. As of now, I certainly cannot see myself measuring up to what he did. I know he has my best interests in heart, being the eldest child I shoulder the responsibility of making my parents proud and setting an example to my siblings.

All this talking about the people I grew up with inspired me to share some stories of my friends from secondary school. Will do in the next entry. Again, till then.