Unpublished blog entry #7: Yet another love entry

I am still in the process of purging my drafted posts. There are still quite a number of them, and I don't want to publish them all in one go. Come on, think of how will you have to read them. This particular post was written sometime during June of last year. VERY overdue. Even though I feel like there is very, very little insight to share here, I thought I'd just publish it instead of deleting it. It is sort of cringeworthy, but what better way to improve yourself than to reflect on how you were before?

Another love entry. When will I ever stop, you ask. But I don't know, there's always something about love that intrigues me. It's this complicated thing that you try and theorise, just like how people try and theorise feminism. I had a conversation with a friend where we talked about vulnerability in relationships. She claims it's hard for her to be in committed relationships because once she likes someone she tends to show her vulnerable side more. I think we are similar that way- my problem when I fall for someone is that I care too much. I care what for he thinks, I care for what he wants, I care for what he needs. Even if none of that is my business, and even if I cannot afford or do any of his wants and needs. I try so hard to be the good girlfriend, the girlfriend that he won't grow tired of and dump, so much that I'd go the extent to please him. I'm scared of having to lose.

You know that feeling of being used to something so much that when you have to leave it's so hard? Say for example moving house. Imagine you living in this one house for so long that the living environment has grown on you. Imagine if so many bittersweet memories happened in that house, but then you had no other choice but to leave the place. It's more or less the same concept with not wanting to lose your significant other. You've developed an attraction, a connection, a relationship with them. Breaking up means having to let go of that connection, let go of that 'special something' you had with a 'special someone'.

Well, my fear of losing wasn't really the original point of this blog entry but I might move on to it later or in another post. What I really want to talk about is vulnerability. Why do we wear our heart out on our sleeve? Because we like someone, damn it. We like that someone so much that me lose all sense of ego and pride.

When it comes to love in general, I'm pretty much a skeptic. Last night I watched Sepet, a Malaysian movie which came out some 4 years ago. I was going to watch the sequel, Gubra, but God knows where I stashed the CD. It was good but some parts which were meant as satire towards the Malaysian film industry and society were too obvious and very upfront, so much so it didn't give off the impression it was supposed too. But I won't criticise that film now. I want to talk about the main male character of the film. Jason is too good to be true, I suppose. But maybe it was his upbringing which lacked love that made him yearn for it so much. All of it was a little too over the top, in my opinion.

This evening I watched S Diary, a korean movie. It starred Gong Yoo, check him out, he's cute. Anyway, from watching that movie, I will conclude here and now that romantic Korean films and TV series blind you. Love isn't all that beautiful. It's just the thought of love which makes you warm all over. Once you get into the process of being in love and being in a relationship, that's when the reality kicks in. It takes work, and it doesn't come easy. Call me a skeptic, a pessimist, whatever. When I read people's blogs on how much they love and miss their boyfriend/girlfriend, how they say "5 more days till I see you! Love you lots lots", or "Happy 15th Monthsary Sayang!!", I can't help but feel a little sick. Nowadays there is even such a thing as 'weeksary'! What the world up is to these days, I have no idea.

Or maybe it's jealousy. You can never rule out jealousy, no matter how much you deny it is. But when I think about it, would I do that if I could? Would I wish my boyfriend a happy monthsary or make a public countdown of the number of days till I get reunited with him? Would I publicly display how much I miss him and want to talk to him?

You know what. If I could, I probably would.

It's hypocrisy really. Remember when I said, "holding your love in is worse than holding your pee in"? That if you like someone you should just tell them or tell the whole world if it doesn't make you feel better? Well, maybe there are times when you have to hold it in. You can only let it out when the time and place is right. I mean, you wouldn't pee in the middle of a crowded shopping mall would you? You'd wait until you get to a toilet and then pee. Or some might wait until they get home because they have a thing against using public toilets. So that quote isn't applicable all the time; there's always a right time and place.

Another thing is falling in love with your friend. Monica and Chandler have known each other for years before they actually fell in love. I'll be honest, before I knew anything about relationships, before I ever had a boyfriend, I always thought that if I were to be in a relationship, it would be with someone I already knew as a friend. But now I realise that comes hard. And it has it's consequences as well. What if you break up, what would happen to you, him/her and your friends? If you can learn to be civil around each other like Ted and Robin do (who I will not be looking forward to see together the next season by the way -_-"), that is great. The worst thing would be to see each other move on and have new partners. Not only would it be awkward for them to some extent, it would also be awkward for the new partners. Why would anyone be comfortable being around their partner's ex? Sigh. Thinking about this is making me miserable already.