More about my journey

When I started wearing the headscarf to University, one of my coursemates said something along the lines of, "you've got the headscarf on now. Getting ready to go home, preparing for the mindset back home, huh?" I didn't really catch on what he said then, but when I thought about it again I wasn't too sure about what he meant. Did he say what he said because Brunei is a Muslim country therefore I'm obligated to wear a headscarf?

I remember a post I written about almost a year ago maybe, when I was back home for the summer. It was about how I didn't like feeling like a 'typical Bruneian'. When you imagine a typical Bruneian woman, you immediately picture headscarf, casual clothes like jeans and blouses which still sort of showed your aurat. They look like a Muslim but are not actually practising it. What's with Malays and donning the headscarf anyway? Why do we wear it when we are not supplicating ourselves to Allah? Is it some sort of racial uniform? That Malays should wear tudong I'm sorry to sound rude, but I don't really like the whole look of it. And God forgive my sins and yours, I was one of those people. Do Malays have this ideology where if you cover up, you will tend to get hit on less? I personally know men who prefer women who wear headscarves. Why is that? Because they look more graceful and innocent? Fathers want to protect their daughters by telling them to cover up. But are those orders enough when they don't have the full discipline? Do you think covering aurat because Islam says so is enough justification as to why we should do it? In today's increasingly Westernised society, it's hard to educate and discipline and embed Islam, especially into the minds of the younger generation who are easily influenced by their surroundings.

Another reason why people tend to dismiss Islamic way of life is because of the way it is preached. In Brunei religious schools you stop learning it when you are about 13 to 15 years old. And then what happens after that? The teenage years are the most rebellious. And, hopING not to sound rude or anti-nationalist in anyway, there is the fact that people living in Brunei are spoonfed in almost every aspect of our lives. From education in school to religious education and sometimes even in the workplace. We are being fed these religious knowledge from one perspective only. And we have yet to have youths who are ready to step up out there and give their say. Why is that? The lack of free speech that is accessible in our country? Once again I am not trying to instigate any political discussion here, but if we don't approach religious teaching in other ways, it will come out as one-dimensional and hard to approach. It's like a PR campaign with the wrong tactics, it's doomed to fail.

Going off tangent a little, why is that when looking for a life partner we choose the 'pure' ones? But when it comes to flirting or random flings, we don't mind ogling over beefcakes and women in skimpy outfits. When dating and searching for boyfriends or girlfriends, without having the intention of marriage, we don't mind the absence of morality. In fact the hotter the better. But when it comes to settling down, we want the best. Is it so that the parents will be pleased? So that when guests come to your wedding, none of them will be whispering to each other "the bride's a slut"?

Sometimes these stereotypes make me resent being in a typical Bruneian society. So much so when I dress like them I fear for myself felling into the same typecast. Like everyone says, Brunei is a small country , everyone knows everyone. It's so hard not to be stuck in that cliche.

I can't generalise this opinion for all Muslim countries, because I've never been to the Middle East or personally know anyone from the region, but what Malay people (some, dare I say most, but not all) wear the headscarf to make them look ayu, or to fit in with the Malay-Muslim. So much so that when someone sees you (you being Malay or even looking Malay), they automatically think you are of Muslim faith.

I once had thoughts that I'm sure some women are familiar with - what's the point of wearing a headscarf when my heart was in it? Back home I did it to please my parents. Who in the world would want to hurt their parents? I have, I must admit, Astaghfirullah. I even had plans in my head about how to go out without my headscarf, kind of ease my way through. At first they may say something, but in the long run they might just give in to what their daughter wants. After all, I'm already grown up and can think for myself, they've done their part in advising me. That's what I used to think. My sister said to me something so simple but made so much sense. If I can't do something so simple for my religion, what makes them think that I won't do something else which goes against my religion?

When I think back of why I took of my hijab, I've come to the conclusion that it was because of influence. My first year in UK, I still donned the headscarf - to Uni, to shopping trips at the mall, to trips around the UK with friends. And there were times when I did my prayers, although not daily, Astaghfirullah. Then in my second year I started to get to know more people. I saw people wearing nice revealing clothes and doing nice things to their hair, and it made me wanted to try. There were whispers yes, both from acquaintances and syaitan, that said there's no harm in experimenting, "bila lagi ada chance kan?". My low boredom threshold got to me so I wanted a change- coloured my hair, got body piercings, the lot. I got more confident to date, and go out with guys on dates. Over the span of two and a half years, so much had changed. So, so much. I did things that I never thought I would do, sins so terrible and despised by Allah. Did I feel guilt? At first yes. But it wasn't enough to overcome the devil's whispers. Syaitan was closer to me than Allah was. Astaghfirullah. I continued to sin and sin and sin, without feeling any remorse.

Only when you're down you remember God. You remember that there always is help when you need it. But we fail to see it.

Sometimes I don't like feeling like I'm trying to be someone pious. That I don't have a right to advise others on religious matters. I don't want to be a Muslimah who talks about Islam all the time. And I don't want to bombard my friends with Muslim facts every time I see them. I have friends whose faith may not be that apparent yet, but still they are my friends and we share common interests. Some people may think people who are in tune with their religion are dull and approach every aspect of this world with care. Yes, but that doesn't make them any less of a friend. Sure, I can't go out and go wild or party or whatever like I used to, but that's a choice I took and as a friend one should respect that decision.

Maybe challenges like this show who really values you as a friend and not by interests or what you are capable of. Two people can be perfectly good friends even if they have the slightest things in common. We can learn to accept each others' interests, embracing the good and avoiding the bad.