My break

The year is almost over. I think it's a good time to start anew. I've settled down back home, back with my family, the only people who I am very sure that really, truly care for me. And everywhere I go Allah looks over me. So I think it's time for my break. To be with Allah and the people who I know truly love me.

I never set myself any resolutions in the past years, mainly because I knew that I might not follow through with it. So there wasn't much point to it, and besides, you can start a resolution at anytime of the year. I'm not sure if I should set resolutions for next year though. But I know there are certain goals I want to achieve.

During my last two summers in UK (2008), I moved house and packed all my things in boxes. When I returned to UK from my holiday in Brunei and unpacked my belongings, I found something which I didn't expect. I totally forgot about it - a time capsule. On a little whiteboard, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish during my summer break at home. The point was to see whether or not I was able achieve these things and thus feel good about myself. Needless to say, I did not go through with any of the things on the list. I don't quite remember what was on the list anymore, I took a picture of it but I can't find it anywhere :( But I remember one thing, I wrote something along the lines of "spend more time with 'insert boyfriend's name'". That didn't go too well either. Anyway, thinking back, I wasn't too proud of what I wrote down in that time capsule. There was no significant goal, and most was prompted by infatuation.

This year I made another time capsule, to be opened in Brunei once I complete my studies. This time there wasn't a clear goal either, since I was in a rush to pack.



Again, I don't feel as if I have achieved these goals, especially the last one =p We never learn. But it's fun doing these time capsule things, just to see how far we've progressed (or not) as a person in general, and within our interests or careers. And it's a nice way to surprise yourself, I certainly like surprises :) Nice ones only lah.

On to a different story now. I am actually quite glad I have experienced what I did throughout my life, even if I did regret them. Without experience, we wouldn't realise what we are doing wrong or right. Like the old saying, we learn from our mistakes. When I arrived in Brunei and cleaned my room inside out, I found a lot of things I've been keeping since I was in primary school. I never threw them away - why? Yes, it is interesting to look back at these things and reminisce. But there are circumstances where you have to let go, get rid of the excess baggage you've been carrying around with you your whole life. In the same scenario, also get rid of junk that's been manifesting in your closet since the dawn of time. And talking about the less physical side of things, sometimes it's healthier to let go of feelings and obsessions that are not beneficial.

Cleaning out my closets (literally), I uncovered old obsessions (Japanese pop culture and Hideaki Takizawa), emotional phases (early days of Sixth Form where hormones were running high, how Malay novels helped in being a hopeless romantic), as well as loads (LOADS) of letters from secondary school which content included mostly angsty, girly teen fights and gossiping about who's latest crush was who.

Needless to say, I threw some of these away, and the ones I felt are going to be worth remembering I stowed away. Maybe in 20 years I won't remember these anymore. Why do I need to anyway? Besides, by that time I don't think I'll regret that decision, as I will be 42 and a 42 year old will have more trying things to deal with. Blackmail would be out of the question, why would anyone waste their time and energy on that. Everyone moves on with time. If we do see each other in another time, Alhamdulillah, God has blessed us with a longer life.



Now on to the main point of this blog entry. I find that with a personal blog, it's kind of difficult maintaining something that you want other people to enjoy. I think that is what bloggers want, to be able to create discussion, to entertain, to get feedback, constructive criticism, to get their questions answered. I have had questions that are unanswered here, but maybe it's my fault, maybe I didn't make myself clear. Maybe the people who read don't really know what to say.

It's sort of crazy how long I've been blogging- from the day Friendster started making blogs available for its members (those were the lame pre-Uni, Akademi Fantasia obsessed days) to moving to Multiply, and eventually settling here at Blogger. My writing style has also took a major facelift, and if you have read every one of my posts, congratulations, you are officially a jobless stalker =p

So many things have left me jaded, years of studying abroad, growing up and living with different people - negative people, demanding people, controlling people. These bad traits have rubbed off on me. Having to experience different cultures and way of life, to come back and couldn't help to feel resentment. I need to push this jaded feeling away. Even when I blog I find it hard to say what I want to say.

So I think it's time for me to express myself through other means. I can see a little improvement in the blog compared to before; I am sort of at the height of my readership now, I have more readers now than I ever had before. Alhamdulillah I managed to interest a few more people since the slight diversion of content. Maybe this is better for my self-development. I've always complained that I cannot express myself properly, maybe now is the time to start practising my verbal communication.

I hope you can see where I'm going here. I apologise for jilting you all with the 'jaded blogger syndrome'. I feel guilty especially to my new readers who have supported my blog with comments to keep on writing. Unfortunately I have already had my mind set months ago, I just needed a clean break, with nice timing. What better than the end of the year, and to make more of a mark, the turn of a new Islamic calendar year. But I'm not saying that I'll leave this space forever, who knows someday I feel like blogging again. The temptation is definitely going to be hard to resist. So who knows, I might start doing this again. But with reason of course. But for now, new pastures are in due course.

I thank you so much for following this blog's progress so far. Brunei is small; we're bound to bump into each other somehow. If not in this life, maybe the next. And let's hope that if we do, it will be in a better place. Amin.

Have a great year everyone. May Allah bless you with good things. Assalamualaikum.