Reaching out

Since I've made myself comfortable again on home turf, I've been thinking and come to the conclusion that I need to let go of my insecurities and just do it. Reconnect with my friends, old and new.

I am scared, most of the time, of my own attributes. An online friend put it into a nice sentence in Malay, 'takut dengan sikap sendiri'. I'm scared of my own behaviour. I'm scared that people will stick with the initial impression they had of me, be it from 13 years ago or ten years ago or even the past year. I'm scared that I might break into my moody, temperamental state that I am so known for. Simply put, no one wants to hang out with a party pooper.

I finally know how it feels to be around negative people, with which this experience that I found out to my dismay, that I was one. Maybe I still am.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be the one ruining everyone's mood with what I say or do. I never noticed it, and me slowly trying to change to be a better person has made me aware how ugly it is to be around negative people. Negative in the sense that they almost always have something bad to say, disagree with others, obstinate about their own opinion. For these people, in their eyes they probably think all they're doing is being themselves, stating their piece of mind. But they don't know how it sounds to others. It can be condescending, cynical, unenthusiastic or detrimental.

If you are reading this and think 'what a load of poo from a hypocrite', I can't ask any more from you but to just believe in me this one time. It is so tiring being this person, always asking themselves why is it so hard for people to genuinely like you, without feeling feared or avoided in someway. Why people approach you apprehensively. Why is it so hard for you to reach out to people, and for people to understand you.

It's tiring having bad thoughts all the time, being excessively paranoid and obsessing over and over about something that has happened months or even years ago. It is just easier to let go and accept the fact that things happen, but we get through it. No matter what. Let bygones be bygones- if they have gone from your life, there is no use worrying about it anymore. Be happy with what you already have and what you intend to achieve.

Change won't happen overnight, please do not expect me to be a saint the next time you see me. Some things progress slower than others. Have faith and always pray.