smile silly

My break

2009-12-25T23:00:00.003+08:00

The year is almost over. I think it's a good time to start anew. I've settled down back home, back with my family, the only people who I am very sure that really, truly care for me. And everywhere I go Allah looks over me. So I think it's time for my break. To be with Allah and the people who I know truly love me.

I never set myself any resolutions in the past years, mainly because I knew that I might not follow through with it. So there wasn't much point to it, and besides, you can start a resolution at anytime of the year. I'm not sure if I should set resolutions for next year though. But I know there are certain goals I want to achieve.

During my last two summers in UK (2008), I moved house and packed all my things in boxes. When I returned to UK from my holiday in Brunei and unpacked my belongings, I found something which I didn't expect. I totally forgot about it - a time capsule. On a little whiteboard, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish during my summer break at home. The point was to see whether or not I was able achieve these things and thus feel good about myself. Needless to say, I did not go through with any of the things on the list. I don't quite remember what was on the list anymore, I took a picture of it but I can't find it anywhere :( But I remember one thing, I wrote something along the lines of "spend more time with 'insert boyfriend's name'". That didn't go too well either. Anyway, thinking back, I wasn't too proud of what I wrote down in that time capsule. There was no significant goal, and most was prompted by infatuation.

This year I made another time capsule, to be opened in Brunei once I complete my studies. This time there wasn't a clear goal either, since I was in a rush to pack.

Again, I don't feel as if I have achieved these goals, especially the last one =p We never learn. But it's fun doing these time capsule things, just to see how far we've progressed (or not) as a person in general, and within our interests or careers. And it's a nice way to surprise yourself, I certainly like surprises :) Nice ones only lah.

On to a different story now. I am actually quite glad I have experienced what I did throughout my life, even if I did regret them. Without experience, we wouldn't realise what we are doing wrong or right. Like the old saying, we learn from our mistakes. When I arrived in Brunei and cleaned my room inside out, I found a lot of things I've been keeping since I was in primary school. I never threw them away - why? Yes, it is interesting to look back at these things and reminisce. But there are circumstances where you have to let go, get rid of the excess baggage you've been carrying around with you your whole life. In the same scenario, also get rid of junk that's been manifesting in your closet since the dawn of time. And talking about the less physical side of things, sometimes it's healthier to let go of feelings and obsessions that are not beneficial.

Cleaning out my closets (literally), I uncovered old obsessions (Japanese pop culture and Hideaki Takizawa), emotional phases (early days of Sixth Form where hormones were running high, how Malay novels helped in being a hopeless romantic), as well as loads (LOADS) of letters from secondary school which content included mostly angsty, girly teen fights and gossiping about who's latest crush was who.

Needless to say, I threw some of these away, and the ones I felt are going to be worth remembering I stowed away. Maybe in 20 years I won't remember these anymore. Why do I need to anyway? Besides, by that time I don't think I'll regret that decision, as I will be 42 and a 42 year old will have more trying things to deal with. Blackmail would be out of the question, why would anyone waste their time and energy on that. Everyone moves on with time. If we do see each other in another time, Alhamdulillah, God has blessed us with a longer life.

Now on to the main point of this blog entry. I find that with a personal blog, it's kind of difficult maintaining something that you want other people to enjoy. I think that is what bloggers want, to be able to create discussion, to entertain, to get feedback, constructive criticism, to get their questions answered. I have had questions that are unanswered here, but maybe it's my fault, maybe I didn't make myself clear. Maybe the people who read don't really know what to say.

It's sort of crazy how long I've been blogging- from the day Friendster started making blogs available for its members (those were the lame pre-Uni, Akademi Fantasia obsessed days) to moving to Multiply, and eventually settling here at Blogger. My writing style has also took a major facelift, and if you have read every one of my posts, congratulations, you are officially a jobless stalker =p

So many things have left me jaded, years of studying abroad, growing up and living with different people - negative people, demanding people, controlling people. These bad traits have rubbed off on me. Having to experience different cultures and way of life, to come back and couldn't help to feel resentment. I need to push this jaded feeling away. Even when I blog I find it hard to say what I want to say.

So I think it's time for me to express myself through other means. I can see a little improvement in the blog compared to before; I am sort of at the height of my readership now, I have more readers now than I ever had before. Alhamdulillah I managed to interest a few more people since the slight diversion of content. Maybe this is better for my self-development. I've always complained that I cannot express myself properly, maybe now is the time to start practising my verbal communication.

I hope you can see where I'm going here. I apologise for jilting you all with the 'jaded blogger syndrome'. I feel guilty especially to my new readers who have supported my blog with comments to keep on writing. Unfortunately I have already had my mind set months ago, I just needed a clean break, with nice timing. What better than the end of the year, and to make more of a mark, the turn of a new Islamic calendar year. But I'm not saying that I'll leave this space forever, who knows someday I feel like blogging again. The temptation is definitely going to be hard to resist. So who knows, I might start doing this again. But with reason of course. But for now, new pastures are in due course.

I thank you so much for following this blog's progress so far. Brunei is small; we're bound to bump into each other somehow. If not in this life, maybe the next. And let's hope that if we do, it will be in a better place. Amin.

Have a great year everyone. May Allah bless you with good things. Assalamualaikum.

Oh, marriage

2009-12-23T22:46:00.012+08:00

Does anybody else find it weird when two people hook up and you can't really imagine how it happened? For example between two people who've known each other for years, or good friends but not in the flirty-he/she-could-potentially-hook-up-with-me-one-day sort of way. Or a person who is a good friend's fling/ex. Or someone who you barely know. Or someone you can't really picture being in a relationship. Feel free to add more examples.

I've had some hookups and relationships in the past which were kind of weird too, when I really think about it. In terms of how the hooking up happened, I mean. But that's all in the past now. I like feeling carefree like this. However, I think I have to keep an open mind to people who constantly need to be in a relationship. Not everyone is strong, not everyone can be independent and hold their thoughts and feelings in, sometimes they need someone who they can show their insecure selves to. Maybe I've always wanted to be the strong, 'hard-loving' kind of person that I ask everyone else to be the same too. We all wear our hearts in different places; some wear it on their sleeves, others hide it behind walls.

I just thought I'd share that here, since it couldn't fit into one Twitter post. I just find it really weird, that is all. The type of weird that makes you scrunch you face and think 'oh my God'. It's not really disgust or disapproval. I can't pinpoint the exact description, but the closest thing to portray it would be weird. But generally I don't have a problem with it. I'll just take a leaf out of the saying,'whatever floats their boat'. As long as they are happy :)

Anyway, on to a the main topic. About a month ago I received a text message from my sister: "Ka, kaka kana pinang kah?"

The first thing I thought when I read her text: 'dari mana lagi ia mendengar cerita ani?'. A split second I felt my heart race, but then I quickly assumed someone had made up a story and told it to her as a joke. But I didn't totally rule out the possibility that maybe someone really did propose for my hand in marriage. Turns out her friends heard something of the same nature, but was directed at her. Her friends poked fun at her about it, but she wanted to make sure that it wasn't true, because there was a possibility that the proposal could've been for me. No proposals were made. I don't think my parents would agree at this stage anyway.

I am literally laughing while typing this. Seriously, I cannot imagine that every happening now. Badan macam kanak-kanak, ulah pun kadang-kadang macam bukan umur 22 tahun. What would've my parents said if it did happen? Ah, I have no energy left to amuse myself now.

But if you asked me, no, I am so not ready for marriage. Although it has been on my mind more often than before. The only thing left for me to really think about now is a career and marriage. And also those driving lessons I've been putting off for a while now. And InsyaAllah, kalau dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki I could upgrade my academic qualifications (at the same time improving knowledge). And one more important thing I almost forgot- performing Hajj, at least once in a lifetime. So there isn't much left to think about, at this stage of life at least. Save having kids and retirement for another time.

The whole text situation got me thinking about someday if I do get proposals for marriage. Macam awkward jua tu, parents pulang yang merista arah tani, "mau kau kawin sama si anu?" At least I find it very weird, my parents never bring up topics about relationships and boyfriends. Kawan biasa sama laki-laki pun dorang macam paranoid. I can't imagine having this sort of conversation with them. Talking about marriage with my parents? Errr... *crickets chirp*

I grew up in a strict social upbringing. I had to dress appropriately (headscarf and non-tight clothing) and wasn't allowed to have boyfriends (I eventually did have boyfriends during my time in university, but there's no saying I wouldn't have if I attended a local university). And for years I felt this rule was forced upon me. I never fully understood why I had to do the things I was told to do. Yes, I learned the basic 'by-the-book' reasons from religious school. But being a teenager, peer pressure means a lot. At one point I just went along with whatever they told me because I felt there was nothing I could do. So obeying the rules then was for the wrong reasons. Pakai tudung kerana bapa, nya orang. It's hard to enforce religion on your children especially in this day and age where western culture is embraced openly. Plus, as I said earlier, peer pressure. You don't want to feel left out from your friends.

Before I get married, I want to sort myself out. And always remember that getting married is not just a ticket to halal sex or having cute little babies or having someone to massage you for free. It's more to that, like I hear many people say, and I got to learn that. I also need to tone down my crazy. Generally speaking. Ani bangun awal pagi pun payah-payahan, masak lunch untuk family pun kadang-kadang malas, bilik tidur pun udah rajin barutah kan membersihkan. Typical single young adult life. The student life 'routine' turns out to be harder to shake off.

I want to have lots of kids. Hehe tapi inda tau lah nanti ah, maybe udah ku beranak barutah kan tau how many kids I really want to have. I never thought of having a lot of kids before, and I even wondered why families choose to have a lot of kids even though it causes them to struggle financially. But during a family gathering I attended a few months ago, my mindset shifted a little.

It was at my aunt's place, where we were celebrating the birth of my cousin's first child and getting the baby's head hair shaved, a Muslim tradition called Aqiqah. Her whole family was their- sons, daughters-in-law and grandkids. When I saw how big and happy their family was, with lots of kids running around and stuff, I felt kind of happy to be home. Like the situation was telling me, this is what family gatherings should always be like.

As a grandmother, I can tell my aunt is really happy. I like how a lot of people are present during family gatherings. And in the future I want my family to be like that too. At the moment there are just my parents and three girls. While my youngest sister is still very young, my other sister and I are well into the age of being able to get married. Okay, so give my sister about 5 to 10 years I guess, but she is in a stable relationship, insyaAllah it will last well. As for me, Allah will have His way with who I end up with. :)

I don't know if my parents will expect me to get married, and if they do, I don't know when. I don't know if they're okay with me being single till I'm older, like some of my aunts who are still unmarried even as they reach the age of 40. But if you ask me, I'm still too young to get married in the next few years. Unless I've matured quickly, I won't be ready to give myself in to a man.

My parents probably want me to have a husband and kids so that there will be someone to take care of me when I get older. But if I don't find someone, will they pressure me too? Will they find someone for me? Just like now when my dad is telling me there is a job vacancy in this and I have an option to further my studies. Kalau nanti in life the only next step is marriage, will they want me to? Or leave it up to fate? Will they meddle in that too?

I don't really like the idea of arranged marriage. I know it sounds contradicting especially when I said I don't condone dating before marriage. But I would like to get married with someone I know, not a stranger. I don't like being paired up with someone. 'You should go out with this guy', bla bla bla.

You're asking if I can find a man/a man can find me without having to date? Sure. All you need to know are the basics. You don't need to tell men more than they need to know, its spoils the surprise ;) It's enough to know the basics, like where you work, how many brothers and sisters he has, what he expects from in our responsibilities in marriage.

And at times I see marriage as a way to finally live the lifestyle I want - recycle more, eat oily and processed food less. Because you are part of who is in charge of the household, you get to take the shots. Is it bad though, to think that marriage is a ticket to a change of lifestyle that you want? Like an escape from the family you are in now to a new one. Of course there's the spouse's opinions to consider. But building a household from scratch is like the start of a long vacation. You plan what you want to do and achieve ahead of time. Within the big picture plan, is the little details, like which restaurant should we eat at, or which souvenir shop should we buy the gifts from. Except in this metaphor, restaurants are thinking of what home cooked meals to conjure up that day, and souvenir shops are where to send you kids to school.

That made no sense at all. Entah eh, panjang sudah cerita ku ani, inda lagi betantu. Bah sudah, mengalih ku.

Reaching out

2009-12-15T14:08:00.002+08:00

Since I've made myself comfortable again on home turf, I've been thinking and come to the conclusion that I need to let go of my insecurities and just do it. Reconnect with my friends, old and new.

I am scared, most of the time, of my own attributes. An online friend put it into a nice sentence in Malay, 'takut dengan sikap sendiri'. I'm scared of my own behaviour. I'm scared that people will stick with the initial impression they had of me, be it from 13 years ago or ten years ago or even the past year. I'm scared that I might break into my moody, temperamental state that I am so known for. Simply put, no one wants to hang out with a party pooper.

I finally know how it feels to be around negative people, with which this experience that I found out to my dismay, that I was one. Maybe I still am.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be the one ruining everyone's mood with what I say or do. I never noticed it, and me slowly trying to change to be a better person has made me aware how ugly it is to be around negative people. Negative in the sense that they almost always have something bad to say, disagree with others, obstinate about their own opinion. For these people, in their eyes they probably think all they're doing is being themselves, stating their piece of mind. But they don't know how it sounds to others. It can be condescending, cynical, unenthusiastic or detrimental.

If you are reading this and think 'what a load of poo from a hypocrite', I can't ask any more from you but to just believe in me this one time. It is so tiring being this person, always asking themselves why is it so hard for people to genuinely like you, without feeling feared or avoided in someway. Why people approach you apprehensively. Why is it so hard for you to reach out to people, and for people to understand you.

It's tiring having bad thoughts all the time, being excessively paranoid and obsessing over and over about something that has happened months or even years ago. It is just easier to let go and accept the fact that things happen, but we get through it. No matter what. Let bygones be bygones- if they have gone from your life, there is no use worrying about it anymore. Be happy with what you already have and what you intend to achieve.

Change won't happen overnight, please do not expect me to be a saint the next time you see me. Some things progress slower than others. Have faith and always pray.

Strength in the face of adversity

2009-12-14T15:58:00.002+08:00

When I was little I always heard of this phrase, 'berani kerana benar', which basically means be courageous in the face of truth. When you know that something is true, don't be scared to stand up for it.

People ridicule you for wearing baggy clothes i.e. don't cling to the body or show the curves of the body, and bigger and longer headscarves. Or when you fuss about what time you go out so you can go home in time to perform your prayers, or stop your travels to stop by the mosque to pray. Or be fussy about the type of clothes you buy when you are shopping. Or fussy about where you eat and what ingredients are used, even if it's just in a bottle of soy sauce.

Some people put down people who try to be dedicated to their religion. Why can't they support these people instead of thinking the worst of us? At least give these people the benefit of the doubt? Why must we think poorly of them?

It's kind of disappointing to see people supporting things that hold temporary significance to society but then are apprehensive towards someone who is really excited to share their passion about religion. Maybe it's because being religious is not normal in today's society. Just like what this hadith implies:

"Islam initiated as something strange, and it will revert to its (old position) of being strange. So, glad tidings to the stranger!” [Muslim]

Hijab, culture and society

2009-12-12T01:17:00.001+08:00

Excuse the textbook title, but when I see culture and society in one sentence, it reminds me of the numerous books in the university library I used for referencing assignments over the years. I came to notice that not everyone knows what hijab means, even I did not know prior to arriving in UK and learning more about the Islamic culture in the UK. Hijab is an arabic term which basically means 'to cover', and its definition is not limited to covering the hair, but also other parts of the body as well as our honour as a Muslim. The term hijab is also not limited to women only, men are also required to don the hijab. However, the well-known and frequently used interpretation of hijab is a term used for headscarf, or covering the hair. In Brunei and other Malay countries, a headscarf is called a tudong. But whatever you call the headscarf in your culture, it is worn for one reason only: Allah Subhanawataala.

I see women here who wear the headscarf but still wear short sleeved t-shirts. One does not need to dress in a full-out abaya (jubah or jilbab in other cultures) or niqab (burkha or purdah in other cultures) to stand out as a Muslim. Just wear a headscarf and your Islamic identity can be revealed. Sometimes I wonder whether living as as an ethnic Muslim in a non-Muslim country is so pressuring that one needs to make a statement to stand out. For women, that statement is the hijab. Sometimes I wonder whether these women, who cover themselves with a hijab yet dress down in short sleeve blouses, are just wearing it to make a statement and not for the sake of The Creator.

Growing up in a dominantly Muslim community that also has strong cultural Brunei Malay values, I used to almost always associated my religion with my culture. I don't know if I can say that due to the national philosophy of our country - Melayu Islam Beraja (Malay Islamic Monarchy), that these two elements are stemmed so close together that we tend to associate one with the other. What we practice in Islam is seen as a Malay tradition, and what we observe in Malay culture is deemed an Islamic practice. When in fact religion and culture are two separate affairs.

Like most countries in the East, culture is deeply embedded in our everyday lives. Sometimes this is so much the case that we cannot see differentiate between culture and religion anymore. Some follow the beliefs that they do because it is the beliefs of their forefathers. Superstitions are passed down from generation to generation and sometimes religious notions are associated with it to make the superstitions seem 'legit' and therefore must be adhered to.

We have to approach what we read and hear from other sources with care, and always refer to many reputable sources. Don't let ourselves get caught up in bida'ah, Nauzubillah.

One thing I can't stand - pandai-pandai membuat hukum sendiri, especially kalau ganya pasal inda suka sesuatu benda atu. Mana bukti kesahihan hukum atu, tunjukkan dulu arahku, baru ku percaya.

More about my journey

2009-12-08T22:56:00.002+08:00

When I started wearing the headscarf to University, one of my coursemates said something along the lines of, "you've got the headscarf on now. Getting ready to go home, preparing for the mindset back home, huh?" I didn't really catch on what he said then, but when I thought about it again I wasn't too sure about what he meant. Did he say what he said because Brunei is a Muslim country therefore I'm obligated to wear a headscarf?

I remember a post I written about almost a year ago maybe, when I was back home for the summer. It was about how I didn't like feeling like a 'typical Bruneian'. When you imagine a typical Bruneian woman, you immediately picture headscarf, casual clothes like jeans and blouses which still sort of showed your aurat. They look like a Muslim but are not actually practising it. What's with Malays and donning the headscarf anyway? Why do we wear it when we are not supplicating ourselves to Allah? Is it some sort of racial uniform? That Malays should wear tudong I'm sorry to sound rude, but I don't really like the whole look of it. And God forgive my sins and yours, I was one of those people. Do Malays have this ideology where if you cover up, you will tend to get hit on less? I personally know men who prefer women who wear headscarves. Why is that? Because they look more graceful and innocent? Fathers want to protect their daughters by telling them to cover up. But are those orders enough when they don't have the full discipline? Do you think covering aurat because Islam says so is enough justification as to why we should do it? In today's increasingly Westernised society, it's hard to educate and discipline and embed Islam, especially into the minds of the younger generation who are easily influenced by their surroundings.

Another reason why people tend to dismiss Islamic way of life is because of the way it is preached. In Brunei religious schools you stop learning it when you are about 13 to 15 years old. And then what happens after that? The teenage years are the most rebellious. And, hopING not to sound rude or anti-nationalist in anyway, there is the fact that people living in Brunei are spoonfed in almost every aspect of our lives. From education in school to religious education and sometimes even in the workplace. We are being fed these religious knowledge from one perspective only. And we have yet to have youths who are ready to step up out there and give their say. Why is that? The lack of free speech that is accessible in our country? Once again I am not trying to instigate any political discussion here, but if we don't approach religious teaching in other ways, it will come out as one-dimensional and hard to approach. It's like a PR campaign with the wrong tactics, it's doomed to fail.

Going off tangent a little, why is that when looking for a life partner we choose the 'pure' ones? But when it comes to flirting or random flings, we don't mind ogling over beefcakes and women in skimpy outfits. When dating and searching for boyfriends or girlfriends, without having the intention of marriage, we don't mind the absence of morality. In fact the hotter the better. But when it comes to settling down, we want the best. Is it so that the parents will be pleased? So that when guests come to your wedding, none of them will be whispering to each other "the bride's a slut"?

Sometimes these stereotypes make me resent being in a typical Bruneian society. So much so when I dress like them I fear for myself felling into the same typecast. Like everyone says, Brunei is a small country , everyone knows everyone. It's so hard not to be stuck in that cliche.

I can't generalise this opinion for all Muslim countries, because I've never been to the Middle East or personally know anyone from the region, but what Malay people (some, dare I say most, but not all) wear the headscarf to make them look ayu, or to fit in with the Malay-Muslim. So much so that when someone sees you (you being Malay or even looking Malay), they automatically think you are of Muslim faith.

I once had thoughts that I'm sure some women are familiar with - what's the point of wearing a headscarf when my heart was in it? Back home I did it to please my parents. Who in the world would want to hurt their parents? I have, I must admit, Astaghfirullah. I even had plans in my head about how to go out without my headscarf, kind of ease my way through. At first they may say something, but in the long run they might just give in to what their daughter wants. After all, I'm already grown up and can think for myself, they've done their part in advising me. That's what I used to think. My sister said to me something so simple but made so much sense. If I can't do something so simple for my religion, what makes them think that I won't do something else which goes against my religion?

When I think back of why I took of my hijab, I've come to the conclusion that it was because of influence. My first year in UK, I still donned the headscarf - to Uni, to shopping trips at the mall, to trips around the UK with friends. And there were times when I did my prayers, although not daily, Astaghfirullah. Then in my second year I started to get to know more people. I saw people wearing nice revealing clothes and doing nice things to their hair, and it made me wanted to try. There were whispers yes, both from acquaintances and syaitan, that said there's no harm in experimenting, "bila lagi ada chance kan?". My low boredom threshold got to me so I wanted a change- coloured my hair, got body piercings, the lot. I got more confident to date, and go out with guys on dates. Over the span of two and a half years, so much had changed. So, so much. I did things that I never thought I would do, sins so terrible and despised by Allah. Did I feel guilt? At first yes. But it wasn't enough to overcome the devil's whispers. Syaitan was closer to me than Allah was. Astaghfirullah. I continued to sin and sin and sin, without feeling any remorse.

Only when you're down you remember God. You remember that there always is help when you need it. But we fail to see it.

Sometimes I don't like feeling like I'm trying to be someone pious. That I don't have a right to advise others on religious matters. I don't want to be a Muslimah who talks about Islam all the time. And I don't want to bombard my friends with Muslim facts every time I see them. I have friends whose faith may not be that apparent yet, but still they are my friends and we share common interests. Some people may think people who are in tune with their religion are dull and approach every aspect of this world with care. Yes, but that doesn't make them any less of a friend. Sure, I can't go out and go wild or party or whatever like I used to, but that's a choice I took and as a friend one should respect that decision.

Maybe challenges like this show who really values you as a friend and not by interests or what you are capable of. Two people can be perfectly good friends even if they have the slightest things in common. We can learn to accept each others' interests, embracing the good and avoiding the bad.

Are we hypocrites?

2009-12-07T03:16:00.002+08:00

Keboringan kamu, posts ku lately semua pasal Islam? Hehe. Memang kalau pasal agama ani people can be apprehensive about it. A few people I know, and even myself before deciding to learn more about Islam (and sometimes now even), avoid the conversations or even just thoughts about the Day of Judgement and the Hereafter. We choose to be blinded by what this temporary world offers us.

I myself feel awkward even when I 'tegur' my family members and friends. Do not gossip, dress more modestly, cover your aurat properly, eat moderately, perform your daily prayers, be more patient, control your anger. It's harder telling my family. Lain lagi orang yang bersangka buruk, pikirnya kan menunjuk alim lah, inda batah lagi kan meninggal lah, terpengaruh orang alim lah. Why do people have to think like that? There's good paranoid and bad paranoid. Why not just keep the good. I also feel awkward because kan menagur orang lain, padahal I myself still have trouble abstaining from those behaviours. I tend b*tch and moan about how I dislike people on TV or how disgraceful or laughable they are. But I don't realise that is also a form of backbiting. It's hard to stay away from sin, iatah kami sangat digalakkan selalu menyucikan diri and ingat Tuhan so that lama-lama kitani biasa and it becomes automatic and we won't have any trouble keeping away from bad stuff anymore.

Sometimes I am also apprehensive because people, being the imperfect people that we are, always have something to say. Who am I to preach and tegur? I myself am not perfect, I have sinned greatly before. Sekiranya bila kami menagur, kana balasi, "awu ustazah." Little sarcastic comments like these can be disheartening, but we cannot just give up and hope that these people will change by themselves. Some of these people need guidance. I myself felt lost, but Alhamdulillah, all this while I have already have friends who can help guide me.

Recently I have started reading the tafsir after every solat, just like I read the Quran, but this way I understand and it's not just me reading arabic out loud to improve pronunciation and tajwid. Anyway, upon reading a part of Surah Al-Baqarah about the characteristics of Muslims, Kafirs and Munafiqs, it got me flashbacking. Particularly from ayats 17 to 20:

Malay translation:

17. Perbandingan hal mereka (golongan yang munafik itu) samalah seperti orang yang menyalakan api; apabila api itu menerangi sekelilingnya, (tiba-tiba) Allah hilangkan cahaya (yang menerangi) mereka, dan dibiarkannya mereka dalam gelap-gelita, tidak dapat melihat (sesuatu pun).

18. Mereka (seolah-olah orang yang) pekak, bisu dan buta; dengan keadaan itu mereka tidak dapat kembali (kepada kebenaran).

19. Atau (bandingannya) seperti (orang-orang yang ditimpa) hujan lebat dari langit, bersama dengan gelap-gelita, dan guruh serta kilat; mereka menyumbat jarinya ke dalam telinga masing-masing dari mendengar suara petir, kerana mereka takut mati. (Masakan mereka boleh terlepas), sedang (pengetahuan dan kekuasaan) Allah meliputi orang-orang yang kafir itu.

20. Kilat itu pula hampir-hampir menyambar (menghilangkan) penglihatan mereka; tiap-tiap kali kilat itu menerangi mereka (dengan pancarannya), mereka berjalan dalam cahayanya. Dan apabila gelap menyelubungi mereka, berhentilah mereka (menunggu dengan bingungnya). Dan sekiranya Allah menghendaki, nescaya dihilangkanNya pendengaran dan penglihatan mereka; sesungguhnya Allah Maha Kuasa atas tiap-tiap sesuatu.

English translation:

17. Their likeness is as the likeness of one who kindled a fire; then, when it lighted all around him, Allah took away their light and left them in darkness. (So) they could not see.

18. They are deaf, dumb, and blind, so they return not (to the Right Path).

19. Or like a rainstorm from the sky, wherein is darkness, thunder, and lightning. They thrust their fingers in their ears to keep out the stunning thunderclap for fear of death. But Allah ever encompasses the disbelievers (i.e. Allah will gather them all together).

20. The lightning almost snatches away their sight, whenever it flashes for them, they walk therein, and when darkness covers them, they stand still. And if Allah willed, He could have taken away their hearing and their sight. Certainly, Allah has power over all things.

I wouldn't have fully understood the literature if it weren't for the footnotes in the tafsir. Here is an interpretation regarding ayat 19:

Keadaan orang-orang munafik itu, ketika mendengar ayat-ayat yang mengandungi peringatan, adalah seperti orang yang ditimpa hujan lebat dan petir. Mereka menyumbat telinga mereka kerana tidak sanggup mendengar peringatan-peringatan dari Al Quran itu.

The hypocrites, upon hearing the reminders from the Quran, are comparable to one who is caught in thunderstorm and lightning. They cover their ears because they cannot bear to listen to the reminders from the Quran.

Ever wonder why people immediately change a channel when a religious program is on air? Not even bothering to listen to what the topic of discussion is about. We prefer to watch entertainment, singing, dancing, celebrity gossip programs. When we come across blogs that talk discuss religious issues, we choose not to read it, let alone scan through. We would rather read blogs that talk about one's daily endeavors, Because they do not concern the Hereafter, they do not concern the reality of life. We are in denial because we are scared of our sins. We choose to ignore the reminders that are shown to us because we are scared, we cannot bear to learn the consequences of our sins, and what we are missing out from not carrying out what Allah tells us to do.

Does that make us munafiqs? Does that make us hypocrites? We claim to be Muslim, our birth certificates say we are Muslim, the religion printed on our identity cards is Islam. But are we really?

A little 'homework' for my readers!

2009-12-02T01:50:00.002+08:00

December is here meaning it's been almost 2 months since I officially left student status and embraced unemployment. Unemployed. Never has the word sounded so negative to me until now when I am classified under the category.

So as a start to end of the year, and as I should be doing anyway, I am currently writing up a solid CV and covering letter. But being 22 years old with no outstanding achievements it's hard to do! Which lead me to think that there might be more to me than I know. Sometimes people around you can be a better judge of your character. So to my readers, I would like you to please let me know what you think I should write in my CV, based on your observations of me. Think of it as a testimonial of sorts, or what you would mention in a CV if you were me. Please reply through the comments link above.

I also need some suggestions of who best to use as my referees. Some ideas are my course tutor, officials from the Scholarship Section, officials from Brunei Student Unit in London. I have had no work experience whatsoever, excluding work attachments where I didn't do much work anyway, it was mostly observing. So if you have any suggestions, please share it.

And just to make things interesting, anyone who knows me (even just online friends who have never met me in real life before) can join in. I'd like to see the varying demeanors I have online and in real life. So haters, be nice :)

Untitled

2009-11-28T14:01:00.000+08:00

Whenever I'm around people who know so much about Islam and pay so much attention to the Islamic rules, I feel sort of intimidated and embarrassed in a way. When I see Muslim sisters covered head to toe without a curve in sight, I feel sort of naked, even if I cover each part of my body with clothing.

I'm really grateful though that I got to know these people and they are so helpful, not once have they judged me or scoff or made fun of me when I asked them even the simplest questions that one should know the answer to from religious school. Of course, like every sensible person I try to find the answer myself first before asking, my main consultation is Google hehe. But I check many different (and reputable) sources first before coming to a conclusion because you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. Or I try to back it up with the existing Islamic literature I have with me. Alhamdulillah, I'm not alone. These sisters actually inspired me to help others who have this sort of predicament - wanting to learn more about Islam and embrace it but don't know where to start.

I am grateful that these people have actually already existed in my life (plus proving the point that Brunei is too darn small, no sixth degree- or one degree for that matter- of separation exists) long before my decision has been made. And like socialising, I get to know friends of these friends of these friends. The sisterhood multiplies every time :)

Being pious doesn't mean that you throw your social life away; you just renew it (find more new friends), or refresh it (reconnect with existing friends), or repair it (slowly disengage from the 'unhealthy' and find better relations). I think maybe that's one of the limitations that people see in being religious - that you can't go out and make friends, socialise and have fun. It depends on what kind of friends you are making, what activities you are doing to socialise and what your definition of fun is. I've been around these girls and they are just like you and I. Except they are happy being in love with The One.

For a start (and to maintain the stability of iman) I always try to do the simple things - wear headscarf, pray your daily prayers, supplement those prayers with the obligatory prayers, read the Quran. I read in a book, which I can't quote by who because it's currently being borrowed by Noor (=p) that even though changing your lifestyle is hard, and you fear that you may face adversity, you still have to force yourself to do it. At first it may seem like a nuisance to you, something to hard to do, but in the long run you will start getting used to it, do it as a routine and then grow to love it genuinely.

I once had a phase where I felt naked without my headscarf on. I felt weird not wearing it. At that time maybe it was because my head felt light, or I was conscious because I never really cared for how my hair looked. Slowly after that it was so easy to take off and then it was just gone. I'm ashamed. Being ashamed to society is one thing, which I'm not too fazed about by the way. So aku dulu pakai tudong, kononnya alim, then I dressed down for a couple of years and then pakai tudong balik. People will and have said things, but that's human nature right? I'm more embarrassed at myself, to Allah and to my parents. At myself for not sticking to my principles. To Allah because I chose to ignore His commands. To my parents because even though they taught me right, I still did them wrong.

Finding inner peace is not easy, and the road to self-purification and excellence is a hard one to reach. Maybe doing the simple things will pave the way to being a better Muslim and a better person as a whole.

Pushy sales tactics

2009-11-16T02:54:00.002+08:00

I came across this clip from Family Guy on YouTube. It's pretty funny, especially for people who grew up with old school cartoons. (I remember dinner nights with my ex-housemate Nisa, where we would watch Road Runner and laugh silly. Cartoons back then had more genuineness compared to today's pop culture saturated stuff).

Hilarious yes, but watch the ending. I may be looking too much into this.

In other countries, certainly in the UK where I witnessed this first-hand, sometimes religion is preached through direct selling. There is nothing wrong with raising awareness of religion; dakwah is very much obligated. But forcing people to learn about it, while they are busy walking in the city trying to catch a train or finishing their shopping? There was one time when I was in a rush to get somewhere, and I passed by a man who handed me a booklet. I don't remember what it was about, and did not quite catch what the man was saying to me. All I wanted to do then was get to my destination. I said okay, okay, and walked on with the book, thinking he was giving it out for free. Then he stopped me again and said, "that is five pounds". What the?? Dude, I wasn't going to pay five pounds for some book I didn't even know was good or not. I didn't even know what it was about! I gave the book back to him and carried on walking.

I could go off a tangent here and talk about pushy sales tactics, but I won't. In this consumerist world we all know what that's like. There are also door-to-door 'salespeople', who come to our houses and hand out religious magazines, asking us, just like in the clip above, if we could 'spare them some time to talk about the Lord Jesus Christ'. The lengths these people go to to spread their religion. I am not only saying that about Christianity. This applies to other religions too, even Islam. I bet in other parts of the world, especially in multicultural cities like Birmingham, that people are eager to spread their religion, in the pursuit of unity. Or maybe to bring more people to their church/mosque. Only God knows.

This is interesting because just the other day I was watching RTB and felt a little unsatisfied with their representation of Islam. As a media graduate, albeit not a very good one, I sometimes look a little too much into certain consumer media. I like how RTB are putting quite a lot of emphasis on Islam through the shows and service announcements they broadcast. However, Islam has always seen as a spiritual thing, especially through Malay media. I know religion it is spiritual in a sense, but the media and parts of the society seem to almost always associate it with exorcism, the supernatural, death, tragedies, natural disasters etc. Then the current trend of Islamic themed romance movies such as Ayat-Ayat Cinta can affect our mindset. There is a possibility that failed hopeless romantics see it as a way to achieve their happily ever after, to achieve that temporary happy chemical feeling. Padahal Rasulullah SAW said that marriage is a form of ibadah, a form of duty towards Allah (I don't quite understand the meaning of that concept fully yet, other than marriage = having kids = increasing the population of the ummah. If anyone is kind enough to explain in the comments, please feel free to do so =D Advanced thanks). So if people start getting married for the wrong reasons, even though it is an arranged marriage, or no-dating pre-marriage, if the intention to love Allah isn't there, then balum tantu ibadah perkahwinan atu diterima olehNya.

Even the simple selawat and doa on RTB is read in a chilling deep voice, slow and booming. As if trying to spook us away. Maybe the readers intention is to pronounce the Arabic words clearly so viewers who wish to follow or note down these prayers may do so without rushing. But inda jua payah macam berijap kali ah.

Okay, I should digress. What does all of this have to do with the Road Runner clip above? It's the fact that people are put off with how religion is marketed. It may be that the way people 'sell' religion, be it Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc. puts society off from wanting to affiliate themselves with religion. If a saleswoman comes up to you offering you a product you weren't planning on buying, don't know much about and are remotely interested in, would you stay and pay attention to what she has to say about the product? If she is trying to sell you a shampoo, for instance, that claims to tame frizzy hair. She says, "this is good for frizzy hair, you should try it, your hair looks quite unkempt". Would you be put off at 'quite unkempt'? There are better sales tactics to use on a customer right?

The same thing applies to 'marketing' religion. There needs to be a better way to approach society to raise their awareness of religion. The most common I see is using the scare tactic - the end of the world is coming. Or use the advantaged blessings, or fadhilat as an incentive of sorts- kalau dibaca kalimah ani 100 times akan dapat rezeki yang melimpah ruah etc. I feel that it's dishonest in a way. There is nothing wrong with zikir in remembrance of Allah, or to seek inner peace. But then what about the people who only recite the zikir in the hope that they may receive the promised blessings? It's like we have to have a reason to worship God, a reason that will benefit us in this life only. What about what benefits us in the afterlife?

Okay maybe I sound a little contradicting there, initially everyone has a reason to be closer to God, but then if you work on your iman, you will learn to love God eventually. Then you won't need a reason. Love Him for a reason, and the reason is love (yea, I totally took that line from that old Boyzone song).

So that is why I'm a little unsatisfied with this representation. Islam is supposed to be a peaceful religion that is friendly and accepting of anyone. But how they are representing this religion is as if they want to scare away people, to remind them of impending doom ahead if they continue to sin. An example I've experienced was while in Birmingham, walking in town on weekend. Christians were promoting their religion with handing out leaflets that say 'what if the world ends tomorrow?'. Some others were reading excerpts from the Bible out loudly. Kan menakutkan jua ganya tu. Udah takut barutah kan mencari Tuhan? Andangnya fitrah manusia cematu jua bah kan?

Those are just my two little cents. Please feel free to agree, disagree, comment or share your opinions.

Love again?

2009-11-13T15:41:00.002+08:00

There's this little thing that is bothering me. But it is none of my business so I know that I have no right to be butting in. But something about it bothers me.

There's this person I know, from looking at the way he interacts, I guess he is struggling to get over a breakup. Tapi aku ani salah-salah jua kan bercakap arahnya, pasal aku inda sure jua apa situation nya sebenarnya. Aku agak-agak saja. Lagipun it's none of my business jua bah, karang kana ucap busybody saja. Tapi iatah ni, kalau ia membaca baik. Kalau inda pun, at least the rest of my readers here can take some insight into what I am going to say, because this isn't just for him, but for everyone jua.

I guess his situation bothers me because I just don't expect that from men. Being all vulnerable like that. Growing up with all girl siblings, I don't have anyone who I can sort of 'study' and see how men work. The five years spent in an all-girls school didn't help either. There is so much I still need to learn about the male species.

And also, there are so many other things that are important in life than moping over a breakup, checking her blog everyday for updates or stalking her Facebook profile to see whether she has moved on with another guy.

I watch Korean drama series and see these men crying over some 'first love' that they had but lost or something. Come on. Luan jua kan wear their heart on their sleeve like that. Yes, I'm still skeptical. Awu payah ni kan meng-convince aku. A guy friend described me as hard to impress. I guess I am. Haha, well that aside...

Sometimes it is much easier being single. Then again it's different for everyone. I think sudah merasai and sangal sudah kan bercinta putus bercinta putus ani, ataupun suka someone tapi inda dapat, the cycle goes on. Pandai jua kelamuan akhnirnya.

A friend of mine who got engaged recently said, 'when you fight and get so angry but know that not being together is not an option, that's when you know!'. It made me smile silly and say "aww that's sweet". I couldn't help it, banar jua tu bah. No relationship can go on without arguments, big or small. But at the end of the day, it's about being together and compromising. Inda kan kelahi sikit saja sudah kan give up. And mun sudah both parties are willing to work for the relationship atu, that's already a huge step. Relationships require lots of responsibility, maturity and putting ego aside from BOTH individuals. Kalau rasa-rasanya balum ada all those three, bah baiktah jangan dulu kan serious-serious bercinta kan kahwin apa ani. Sort yourself out first.

My cousin once said to me way back when I was a tween (I think I've mentioned this before), kalau kan bercinta, try to avoid taking it very seriously, karang udah putus menangis saja merana. I didn't understand it before, being a tween and all, udahtah inda kana suruh berboyfriend =p. Now that aku sudah merasai, it makes sense. Go with the flow, see where it leads to.

Moving on is not easy, it hardly ever is. But like anything else, once you get round to doing it, it'll be easier to make progress. One little step at a time. Is her name still in your text message inbox? Sanang saja: Mark all > Delete > Confirm delete > Yes > Marked messages deleted. Just a few clicks of the button, one step is over. Kalau boleh buang tia dulu barang-barang yang ada kaitan sama ia. Kalau inda sampai hati kan membuang, taruh somewhere you won't ever think of looking. Param bawah katil kah, arah belakang almari kah, dalam stor kah. And when you do come across the things maybe in a year or two, or when you move out of the house, and you go through the things, you'll be more ready. And you might just realise that the feelings you had for her dulu were just that. Feelings. Nothing but feelings. By that time hopefully you would have already gotten over her. And when you look through the stuff again you might just find yourself smiling and saying to yourself, "what was I thinking?". You'd probably laugh at yourself for being so vulnerable during the post-breakup.

When I was still in the UK, I thought of buying this book . It is sort of the follow-up to He's Just Not That Into You, which i have a copy of (I bought it two years ago, pre-Hollywood feature movie, okay). But I contemplated on buying it, pasal bila masa jua ku kan ber-relationship ber-breakup ani lagi. Hehe. Kan ku jadikan untuk light reading saja, sayang jua duit. So biar tia inda ku jadi membali.

This might sound lame, but He's Just Not That Into You actually in some way helped me to get over my first relationship. If you've watched the movie but not the book, the book is actually in the format of a self-help book. Tips and examples and agony aunt style questions and stuff. But it was simple and straight to the point. A real eye-opener for those stupefied by love. So kalau rasa-rasanya you need a little boost, I might suggest getting that book. As pathetic as it sounds, it might actually help. Ada tu berjual di Best Eastern :)

Aku hairan how orang yang bercintan-cintun masa muda-muda ani boleh express their love so blatantly in public and to each other. Using the word 'forever'. Aduuii lai, perkataan 'forever' ani rasaku Allah saja yang layak menggunakan. Plastik sampah lagi reput di alam sekitar, walaupun batah (awu, nya iklan di RTB ah), apatah lagi cinta monyet, cinta remaja.

Masa ku ber-boyfriend dulu takut ku kan pakai perkataan 'forever', 'I love you' apa ani. You don't know if you will really be forever with this guy, if you will 'love' him eventually. Ujung-ujungnya putus jua kan? Tapi masa ku ber-darling dulu atu, TERcakap 'I love you' atu ada jua lah. Sometimes him first, sometimes me. Happy chemicals running high kan, inda hairan kalau terluah perkataan 'love' atu. So disambut tah jua with 'I love you too'. Kejam jua kan kalau dibalas sama 'me too' saja, or worse, 'mmmhmm'. Aduii macam naive jua dulu atu. Layan saja tia bah kan.

If you don't agree with what I said so far, please feel free to disagree. I am not forcing anyone to take what I said as advice, you can take it as a point of view. Kalau agree, yay ada orang sama otak macam aku =p If your perception has changed after reading this, Alhamdulillah, ada jua orang mau mendengar cakap ku, walaupun inda bertauliah and macam inda tantu bunyinya.

I'm in no way endorsing relationships before marriage. Aku bercerita ani based on experience, and keadaan semasa, relevant to who I am concerned about. Kalau sudah rasanya kan bertunang atu, Alhamdulillah, one step closer to making your relationship halal. Tapi kalau ada yang masalah relationship nya ani macam inda abis-abis, chill tah dulu. Bukan chill kan give up minta putuskan eh! Chill as in take a step back, look at what the relationship needs and doesn't need. Constantly evaluate your relationship. As you grow personally, your relationship grows. If it goes the other way and you find that things are not working well even after you've tried your best, you know what that means. In lack of less cheesy words, it's not meant to be.

Here are two articles I find very helpful, and are straight to the point. Baca jangan inda baca.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/10-virtually-instant-ways-to-improve-your-life.html

http://www.iluvislam.com/v1/readarticle.php?article_id=2047

Diet coke

2009-11-07T03:55:00.015+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could connect my thoughts to a blogging device, so when I think of something that I would like to share, I can just record it straightaway and not forget! It's frustrating sometimes that you had something good to share and when you finally have the time (and mood!) to blog, it's gone.

Anyway, my topics lately haven't been very light. So I'll just share a light post to read. 3 things I like and dislike. Probably not interesting, but light nevertheless.

I like:

1) Peanut butter. Smooth peanut butter more than the chunky one, but I like both. I also like those peanut butter cookies that come in a square tin, Julie's brand. I like to eat peanut butter on bread and peanut butter with Oreos (yup, just like in that movie Parent Trap). Peanut butter and grape jelly is nice, so as with strawberry jam and chocolate sauce.

2) Dance TV shows. I am currently downloading every season of So You Think You Can Dance, and of course I am an avid follower of America's Best Dance Crew. I enjoy these shows so much to the point of watching them over and over again. I never get tired of it. With watching it repeatedly I can spot every single move or mistake that they make. Obsessed much? I like how people can get creative with their bodies, and move to a piece of music or lyrics to express their creativity. Not to mention the way they move their bodies, sometimes normal people can't even do. I think I would really like to dance if I could and had the time, energy, stamina and money to. But like other things, I guess I should sit this one out, and stay in the audience. Stay in my proper lifestyle =p I can settle with at least appreciating this art form.

3) Everything bananas. Banana ice cream, banana cake, bananas on its own, peanut butter and banana sandwich, banana split, banana smoothie, banana milkshake, banana yogurt, banana juice, banana drink, banana banana banana. Banana fritters not so much though. Macam ambuk pulang bunyinya aku ah.

I dislike:

1) Cockroaches. I more than dislike cockroaches. If you remember last summer I wrote a long gibbering post about my passionate hostility towards these creatures. Alhamdulillah, I haven't encountered any since I arrived home. Let's hope it stays that way.

2) A slow, sloooowww computer. Slow to startup, slow to open programs, slow to load, slow to everything. I don't have the patience for these. I know, I should learn to be more patient. But as far as slow computers go, it is one of my major pet peeves. People, clean up after your PC, please. Don't overload it with unnecessary software. Empty your recycle bin regularly, and if you download large files like TV shows and movies a lot, don't stuff them all in your computer. Store them in an external hard drive. And make sure to backup your backup i.e. save another copy to another external hard drive. Defrag your PC from time to time, and occasionally clear your caches. For laptops, keep it in a slightly elevated position to enable air flow through the vents. Heating up will cause the laptop to perform slower. Come on, these things are easy to do, it doesn't take a computer scientist to pull it off. I don't know why, for me computers always have to be quick, or at least a reasonable pace. Technology should be convenient to use. Anything that takes more than 2 minutes to load or get back to normal from freezing, be prepared for fists banging on keyboard.

3) Travelling by airplane. I hope I never have to take another long haul flight ever again. Next time I'm travelling across the world I'm doing it in short trips. Stopover here for a week or so or more, then continue my journey. I can't stand the pressure changes in the cabin, it's very uncomfortable. The smell of the air in the cabin too, it's not fresh air. Nauseating. Thank God for good airplane food and entertainment. Inda sesuai kahwin sama 'flyboy' ni gayanya aku ani =p I once asked my friend, who is an aeronautical engineering graduate, whether a pressure free cabin can be created. He said it can, but the metal it takes to build that aircraft would be too thick and heavy that the aircraft would not be able to take off. Haha so much for 'air'plane.

By the way, thanks for all your hair salon suggestions! I got my haircut last week at Sari Ayu in Hua Ho Yayasan. Not the result I was going for, but not bad. I still look good, it could've been a lot worse. =p

Late failure

2009-11-03T04:33:00.000+08:00

Back in secondary school, I had a classmate who had problems coping in Chemistry classes. Because she found it difficult to grasp the subject, the teacher was also frustrated and sometimes lost patience and gave her a hard time. After leaving high school, she of course was happy to finally be rid of the subject, and during her time in sixth form, she found her passion in business related studies. She did exceedingly well there, as was even elected as one of the prefects of the school. She went on to receive a scholarship to do a Bachelor degree overseas, followed by a Masters degree.

Her determination, her discipline, and her never wavering faith to Allah, plus lots and lots of love from her family, friends and boyfriend, made everything bearable. The four years of higher education was bearable because of love. It may sound cliche, but sincere love is a strong motivator, no doubt about that.

I am an observer from the outside, this is what I think of her at a distance, albeit being my friend, we do not spend much time with each other. But I can see where she gets her drive from, and it is from surrounding herself with love. Love from her family, love from her friends, love from her boyfriend and ultimately, love from Allah. The love only spurs her on. She knows deep down she is not just going it for herself but also for her loved ones. I would classify her as a late bloomer, if I could, no offense. I once saw her as an average student, occasionally getting her warranted good grades, but not outstanding overall. But now I see where she shines, and I can certainly say she is better off than I am.

Now I will go slightly off tangent. Sometimes you see people who you can tell hardly ever put themselves close to Allah, hardly ever remember Him in all times, whether happy or sad. Close example is someone who doesn't perform the daily prayers. But despite their ignorance of Allah, their life is peachy- fancy house, fancy car, fancy job, beautiful wife, lovable kids. But what does get them through, even at that brief moment where they don't feel empty inside? Love and support. They surround themselves with people who they love, they share their feelings and express it.

I asked a friend this question once- why do people who commit sins and hardly ever remember God still receive His blessings and have a happy life? Yes, Allah is the most generous and showers His blessings to whoever He chooses. But then would He still have mercy to those who continue to disobey Him? Wouldn't He want to guide these people to the right path by inflicting them with adversity and showing them how remembrance to God can benefit them? My friend responded to my reservations, saying that even though these people have what everyone would want for in this life, they still feel empty inside. Like there is still something missing from their life, but they have no clue what it is. So they are left with this constant nagging feeling that something is amiss, and is struggling to find out what it is.

I still, however, find this concept hard to grasp. I guess I can never understand what the answer to my question is, until an example of the situation is plain clear in front of me. Yes, I can be that slow. Tunggutah sampai ada jawapan dapan-dapan mata.

Unpublished blog entry #7: Yet another love entry

2009-10-26T23:51:00.005+08:00

I am still in the process of purging my drafted posts. There are still quite a number of them, and I don't want to publish them all in one go. Come on, think of how will you have to read them. This particular post was written sometime during June of last year. VERY overdue. Even though I feel like there is very, very little insight to share here, I thought I'd just publish it instead of deleting it. It is sort of cringeworthy, but what better way to improve yourself than to reflect on how you were before?

Another love entry. When will I ever stop, you ask. But I don't know, there's always something about love that intrigues me. It's this complicated thing that you try and theorise, just like how people try and theorise feminism. I had a conversation with a friend where we talked about vulnerability in relationships. She claims it's hard for her to be in committed relationships because once she likes someone she tends to show her vulnerable side more. I think we are similar that way- my problem when I fall for someone is that I care too much. I care what for he thinks, I care for what he wants, I care for what he needs. Even if none of that is my business, and even if I cannot afford or do any of his wants and needs. I try so hard to be the good girlfriend, the girlfriend that he won't grow tired of and dump, so much that I'd go the extent to please him. I'm scared of having to lose.

You know that feeling of being used to something so much that when you have to leave it's so hard? Say for example moving house. Imagine you living in this one house for so long that the living environment has grown on you. Imagine if so many bittersweet memories happened in that house, but then you had no other choice but to leave the place. It's more or less the same concept with not wanting to lose your significant other. You've developed an attraction, a connection, a relationship with them. Breaking up means having to let go of that connection, let go of that 'special something' you had with a 'special someone'.

Well, my fear of losing wasn't really the original point of this blog entry but I might move on to it later or in another post. What I really want to talk about is vulnerability. Why do we wear our heart out on our sleeve? Because we like someone, damn it. We like that someone so much that me lose all sense of ego and pride.

When it comes to love in general, I'm pretty much a skeptic. Last night I watched Sepet, a Malaysian movie which came out some 4 years ago. I was going to watch the sequel, Gubra, but God knows where I stashed the CD. It was good but some parts which were meant as satire towards the Malaysian film industry and society were too obvious and very upfront, so much so it didn't give off the impression it was supposed too. But I won't criticise that film now. I want to talk about the main male character of the film. Jason is too good to be true, I suppose. But maybe it was his upbringing which lacked love that made him yearn for it so much. All of it was a little too over the top, in my opinion.

This evening I watched S Diary, a korean movie. It starred Gong Yoo, check him out, he's cute. Anyway, from watching that movie, I will conclude here and now that romantic Korean films and TV series blind you. Love isn't all that beautiful. It's just the thought of love which makes you warm all over. Once you get into the process of being in love and being in a relationship, that's when the reality kicks in. It takes work, and it doesn't come easy. Call me a skeptic, a pessimist, whatever. When I read people's blogs on how much they love and miss their boyfriend/girlfriend, how they say "5 more days till I see you! Love you lots lots", or "Happy 15th Monthsary Sayang!!", I can't help but feel a little sick. Nowadays there is even such a thing as 'weeksary'! What the world up is to these days, I have no idea.

Or maybe it's jealousy. You can never rule out jealousy, no matter how much you deny it is. But when I think about it, would I do that if I could? Would I wish my boyfriend a happy monthsary or make a public countdown of the number of days till I get reunited with him? Would I publicly display how much I miss him and want to talk to him?

You know what. If I could, I probably would.

It's hypocrisy really. Remember when I said, "holding your love in is worse than holding your pee in"? That if you like someone you should just tell them or tell the whole world if it doesn't make you feel better? Well, maybe there are times when you have to hold it in. You can only let it out when the time and place is right. I mean, you wouldn't pee in the middle of a crowded shopping mall would you? You'd wait until you get to a toilet and then pee. Or some might wait until they get home because they have a thing against using public toilets. So that quote isn't applicable all the time; there's always a right time and place.

Another thing is falling in love with your friend. Monica and Chandler have known each other for years before they actually fell in love. I'll be honest, before I knew anything about relationships, before I ever had a boyfriend, I always thought that if I were to be in a relationship, it would be with someone I already knew as a friend. But now I realise that comes hard. And it has it's consequences as well. What if you break up, what would happen to you, him/her and your friends? If you can learn to be civil around each other like Ted and Robin do (who I will not be looking forward to see together the next season by the way -_-"), that is great. The worst thing would be to see each other move on and have new partners. Not only would it be awkward for them to some extent, it would also be awkward for the new partners. Why would anyone be comfortable being around their partner's ex? Sigh. Thinking about this is making me miserable already.

Cerita dari London

2009-10-25T02:20:00.000+08:00

This entry is quite long overdue. I spent a weekend in London about three weeks ago, before catching my flight back to Brunei. This is what my blog posts sound like with minimal editing.

My last day at Uni sorting out paperwork was also the first and last time I prayed at the ISOC prayer room. Kind of like an ironic blessing huh? It makes me feel kind of sorry for myself for not making use of the facility earlier. The room was on the same floor as my department! Come on, could Allah have made it easier for me?

What am I saying, of course He could. LOL. I'm just implying how easy it was to just go in the prayer room after lectures or something, and do the daily deeds.

My last day in Birmingham was rushed, I had more stuff to pack than I thought! I stayed up the whole night packing, and didn't have time for breakfast or a friendly chitchat before heading off to the coach station by taxi. However, I didn't feel I missed out on anything. I think my problem before was that I get easily attached to things that have sentimental value. I've now learnt that I just have to move on. Maybe the jadedness of being in the same place, doing the same thing for four years has made me apathetic.

Anyway, I'm spending three days in London with less than spectacular wireless internet connection so this post will be published when I settle down in Brunei.

I experienced my first hustle the moment I arrived in London. Just as I stepped off the coach and took my bags, a man with those light reflecting safety vests was right behind me with a trolley and asked, "do you need help with that?". Still regaining composure from the two-hour nap on the bus that I just woke up from, I was pleased to see such courtesy. And of course it means I don't need to carry my heavy bags all the way out of the station. I gleefully replied with a "yes, please" and immediately he told me "we do rely on tips, okay". It took a moment for me to register what he just said and the I realised I've been hustled by a cab company. At that moment a gay voice rang in my head saying 'oh no'. If you're not sure what I'm talking about:

I doubt it takes 15 pounds plus 3 pounds tip to get from Victoria coach station to Paddington. Does it? That's the first time I ever tipped anyone too. That had to be the day I happened to have 3 pounds in my pocket.

When I arrived at Brunei Hall, I managed to find a room quite easily. The rest of the day was a waiting game, getting paperwork sorted out. Everyone was helpful though, I'm just glad no one gave me a hard time.

After the formalities were sorted, I ventured on foot to find Paddington Train Station, from where I will take my train to Heathrow Airport. That was my first time walking around London alone! Well, around Praed Street and Edgware Road pulang ganya ku berjalan hehe. Then it was almost dark so I walked back home, getting a little lost along the way.

Brunei Hall isn't that bad. I guess I've judged it quite harshly from my previous experiences there. One of life's important lessons to remember - do not keep your first impressions of something; always give room for your perceptions to change.

The shopping! I cannot say enough of this. There are so many stores in London that are not available in Birmingham! And so many brands I've never heard of. I managed to visit the Inglot store in Westfield and the Illamasqua store in the Selfridges at Oxford Street (yes, more makeup). I've heard of these two brands but never got a chance to see the products in person as they are not available in Birmingham. I wasn't planning on buying anything from Illamasqua! But then the sales assistant was nice and I felt guilty, as I always do, so I got myself a dark purple eyeliner, a colour which I haven't got in my collection.

The sales assistants at Selfridges are nice. Some don't actually make you feel that you are forced to buy their products. Just say no once and we can go, no haggling. London is fun if you have lots of time and money. If you have neither of those, then talan aing liur lah saja. Or stay away from the shops to avoid sleepless nights angaukan that pretty handbag you want so much but cannot afford.

18/10/2009

2009-10-20T01:06:00.001+08:00

I've always wanted a best friend. So much so that at one point I couldn't seem to find the person to become my best friend, I gave up. I summed it down to the fact that I am such a moody brat that no one will ever put up with me. I concluded that I will always have close friends, but never have a best friend. What's the difference between the two, you ask? My definition is, close friends are people you regularly hang out with, have inside jokes with and know quite well. Someone who you enjoy chilling with. Whereas a best friend is someone who will be there for you thick and thin, no matter what the time of day it is. A person who you wouldn't baring your heart and soul too. A person who you wouldn't mind sharing your embarrassing childhood secrets with. A person you could cry in front of, show your weaknesses to. And excuse me for being cheesy, a person who knows you so much and is so close with you that you can finish each other's sentences.

I think I get jealous. No use denying it now, or trying to water down the fact that I'm jealous by substituting 'jealous' with 'confused' or 'in need of'. There's this inane longing for us to be the one everyone likes. When I see people who everyone seems to love and be at ease with, I look at them and think, they are not that perfect. They have their flaws. Either that they are quiet, or eccentric, or have weird taste in music. So what is so special about them that makes people want to hang out with them all the time or shower them with special, sometimes pricey gifts?

Maybe it's because they seem to have a loving character. Or care even though they know they don't have to. Or it's because they have a positive vibe which emanates into everyone that befriends them. Or maybe it's because they have that overall 'look' to them that makes you say, "I want to be friends with that person".

In every stage of my life so far I have come across this type of person - the person everybody loves. And the fact that they seem to avoid me puts me down. I am the total opposite of them - the person everybody hates. This only reveals more of my ugly side - the jealousy. No one likes being disliked, especially when the dislike towards them is being shown so blatantly.

Then again there are times when I think to myself, maybe I'm being choosy, maybe I'm limiting my social scope. As crazy as it sounds, there might be other people out there who want to be my friend. Anyone will be your friend if you let them.

If I were to be honest with you, if you had known me circa 10 years ago, you would have asked me to go to somewhere terrible. Terrible, hot and burning. You wouldn't have given me a chance. My classmates back then probably gave me that chance out of pity. I think now I am a slightly watered down version of the 10 years ago me. My aim is to sandpaper that version, get rid of the kinks and keep the smooth parts. That way I purge myself of the ugly traits and keep the (very few in comparison) good ones, therefore making me, still me. Only better. I can't change who I am, and I don't want to. But I can be better.

Since I've made it clear that I am choosy, maybe you're wondering what criteria I look for in a best friend? Understanding, honest, have a great sense of humour, caring, knows when to leave me alone when I need to be alone. The best friend wishlist is just too much and too impossible. I may as well be best friends with a programmed robot. But you know who has all those qualities (and more!)? Allah. Remembering Him makes my life more sweeter- I think it's the realisation that no matter how much crap you have to deal in your life, you know that there's always a reason why it happens and there is something better coming your way. Allah gives us hope, something I gave up on before. I've learnt that being optimistic doesn't hurt all the time.

In fact, optimism makes you a lot calmer. And if I practice that enough, I could just smooth away those kinks. Let's hope for a better me, personality-wise and Iman-wise. Happy 22nd birthday to me.

Finding Muslimah friendly hair salon

2009-10-15T19:25:00.001+08:00

I've been asking around Twitter and local forums, but I haven't had much luck. But since my blog readership has expanded recently, I thought I'd try asking here. Maybe you could give more options. The thing is, I've been wanting to get a haircut since summer, but then I became aurat-conscious =p So my question is, do you know any hair salons that employ female Muslim hairdressers, or offer services like private rooms for women, where other people cannot see us getting our hair done? Unlike most salons that have clear windows so people can see how the hairstylists work. Or at least salons that carry out these services upon request?

How good their handiwork is is also a bonus (i.e. important =p). I currently have long hair and I want my hair done something like the picture below. So it's pretty much a major restyle.

And since we're on the topic of Muslimah friendly services, you know any spas that provide the same service? Women always need to be pampered. :)

Education and me

2009-10-09T05:03:00.000+08:00

I was thinking of how my birthday will be in about a week's time. How at 22 years old I feel that I have not accomplished anything significant. I am like a drone, doing things because I have to just to get by. What goals do I have? What am I working towards? I bet many college students are thinking the same thing, worrying that they don't know where they are heading towards in life, career-wise. I am at the bottom of the pit, no significance to any part of the working society. There is my very unimpressive CV, no worthy work experience, lack of useful talent, absolutely mediocre people skills. What do I have to offer at my age? I feel it's too late. But sure, sure, it's never too late, age is just a number. However, is that only for the wishful thinkers who pride themselves on being optimistic?

I'm at a stage where I find myself often looking back in my past and thinking what I have done wrong so much that Allah warranted me these punishments. What have I done, what have people around me done? Not succeeding in my studies and not achieving the goals that my parents aspired. Being a disappointing daughter, worst yet, a disappointing eldest child.

Take it from me people, if you decide to have kids, have more than one. Have at least two. So that if one screws up, there's always another to rely on. I am glad my sister is doing well in her academic undertakings. We certainly had different academic upbringings- we went to different schools, and she had the privilege of going to one of the best schools in the country. She is definitely different in character from myself. Although she was more rebellious than I was when I was her age, she had the guts to take a stand for what she wanted. She took part in a lot of ECAs (Extra-Curricular Activities) and national school competitions. She also attended a youth camp in Singapore, if I'm not mistaken during early summer last year. I don't know where the difference in our character was generated from, maybe it was because we went to different schools and she received better education than I did being she was in one of the best schools in Brunei (not that I'm saying my secondary school sucked - there are definitely pros and cons for each).

I remember when I was in Form 3 and the school was trying to implement ECAs to become CCAs (Compulsory Curricular Activities - just like the Science School did). This idea was short-lived however, and did not follow through. Typical? Anyway, at the time I wanted to sign up for the Taekwondo club. My dad flat out refused, with the reasoning that it was a rough sport and that he did not want me become 'tomboy-ish'. I thought his reason was absurd, and I still do now. What kind of excuse is that? I told my sister about this recently and she reasoned with me saying that Taekwondo uniforms are expensive, and that was why my dad refused to let me join the Taekwondo club. Now that reason makes more sense, but if it was so, why didn't my dad say so in the first place?

How humiliating is it that my sister thought about this quicker than I did? A 17 year old has more sense than I do.

I will never truly understand why parents want what they want for their children, until I have children of my own. I certainly know that when I have kids, I want them to grow up in a Islamically aware environment. I do not want them to go astray as I did. At least that's one thing that I know what every parent wants for their kids- to not repeat the same mistakes that they made when they were younger.

My dad was born in the early 60s and grew up in a very average family with 7 brothers and 3 sisters. My late grandfather was a roadworks foreman and my late grandmother did a fair share of odd jobs, mostly housekeeping. Their jobs often demanded them to be out of the house regularly, and for most of his young teen life, my dad grew up living under the care of a retired family friend. My dad would make a few dollars of his own selling bananas at the market. Brunei was still under British residency during the time, not as developed as the country is now, and good education was hard to come by for kids from large and average families. My dad went to Berakas English School, now known as Berakas Secondary School. Leaving the school with not so impressive O Levels, my grandfather and my uncle, advised him to continue his studies at the Teachers' Training College, where he would later graduate with a teaching certificate. That was also where he met my mom.

After graduating from the college and getting jobs as secondary school teachers, my mom and dad got married and a year later I came into the world. I was too young to know why, but I am guessing that my dad was determined to get a better education. Maybe to provide for the family better, or maybe he had an inner desire to excel academically. In 1991 he attended a short course at Pulau Pinang, Malaysia, and towards the end of this course, my mother gave birth to my sister. In 1993 my dad enrolled at UBD, to do a BA in Primary Education. He graduated in 1996 (back then the courses were three years and not four like what UBD currently offers) and worked at a local government primary school before being transferred to the Ministry of Education in 1999. He seemed to enjoy his work there, and looks like he still does. In 2001 he enrolled at UBD again, this time to further his studies doing an MA in Education Management.

All that for promotion or raise,or to really broaden his knowledge, I don't know. As of now, I certainly cannot see myself measuring up to what he did. I know he has my best interests in heart, being the eldest child I shoulder the responsibility of making my parents proud and setting an example to my siblings.

All this talking about the people I grew up with inspired me to share some stories of my friends from secondary school. Will do in the next entry. Again, till then.

Why I am still here

2009-09-29T12:24:00.001+08:00

I am seriously burnt out. But putting more of my faith to God day after day makes me think maybe I was destined to do something else. I don't like to use the word 'destiny' loosely, as I'm not one to believe so much on that kind of stuff. But what if it's true, what if this is God's way of showing me that this is not the right direction for me. What if this is a sign that my life will benefit from doing something else? But that thought may just be me trying to deny the fact that I am a failure.

I would like to start over, start fresh, but at 22 years old? All these years of free, unpaid education, how has is benefited me? How have I taken advantage of the free education and put it to good use?

An online friend came across blog owned by an expatriate working in Brunei as an English language teacher, and I found his insights quite real. Hard-hitting, appalling and some a tad far-fetched, but I for the most part agreed the harsh reality of his opinions. Bruneians who are easily offended may not like it, but for me, having lived overseas for almost 4 years, a fair amount of racist taunts directed towards me, and only then I understand how a foreigner would feel in our country. Out of place and stereotyped. To live in a foreign country you have to tolerate with the culture, both good and bad. Eventually you do get sucked in and just learn to survive in it.

Anyway, back to the teacher's blog. I could see why he felt the way he did. He may have come off a little negative in his writing, but that may have been the result of years of serving Brunei's education regime. I quote from his recent posts on what he thought of Brunei after having lived there for 9 years:

All of us became unsettled. Although the children were getting a very good academic schooling at the International school, we could see that the ‘easy’ lifestyle of Brunei was not giving the children the life skills they needed to survive in the real world-that is, how to be independent. Moreover, I was becoming ‘deskilled’ in a dysfunctional professional culture.

R____’s demise from Cornell was a very good example of the lack of preparation for the real world which Brunei did not provide.

We were all spoiled.

I guess what he's trying to say is that the educational workforce is so unprofessional and underdeveloped that he became 'deskilled' and tired and complacent. Eventually everyone does once they are sucked into the system. There is lack of hands-on and real-world skills. If you compared the opportunities that are available in other countries, what Brunei offers lacks in challenges. In other countries, people would sacrifice their time and strength to be granted a scholarship, whereas in Brunei they give out scholarships like consolation prizes. You show up for a couple of interviews, have a few questions thrown at you, if you have good enough grades, you can go. But the system may have changed since I had to go through it, I'm not sure.

Just look at how the government salary scale is structured. It is based on qualifications, which kind of shows how Brunei really values what education its citizens get, so much that it affects the salary scale, regardless of how demanding or less-demanding the type of job is. If you have the same qualifications, you are going to get the same salary. Regardless of the talent you have or whether you are a lazy prick.

Being a 'recruited' scholar myself, I certainly do not feel there is anything special about me, as I belong to the hundreds of other students who are 'employed' to study and come back to Brunei as 'labourers' of the government. There is no special feeling, as the status of the scholarship is not what I would call prestigious. No selective choosing, really analysing the nitty-gritty, and gruelling interview after interview and test after test. I am just a student like everybody else in Brunei, difference is I am studying in a foreign country.

So can I blame the government and Brunei's 'laid-back', spoonfeeding educational bureaucracy for my failure? How can I, you say, for if not for them who would have provided me with free education and an overseas undergraduate scholarship?

This is why I find it difficult to blame others. There are also my parents, who also played a significantly large educating role in my life. There are definitely things that they I wished they did or didn't do differently. But as I grew older and seen how other people's parents compared to mine, I saw that my parents are way better than what some other parents can be. They have their pros and cons, but they've got the basics down for me. When push comes to shove, I have no one to blame but myself. I am a young adult who is perfectly capable of making the right decisions. Despite this, I don't.

Even if I think hard about what I can possibly do now, I can't think of anything. I know I cannot work in an environment that I am not passionate about. I find that I get bored easily. The people around me affect my performance. And I am definitely not a good academic; I am glad to purge myself of all things dissertation, research or essay-related.

I feel a slight resentment towards the country, more so the government, and I think almost everyone shares the same sentiment. I don't want to be resentful, and I try not to, because of the same reasons as most of the other people in the country. We are given so much benefits - subsidised living costs, free education and healthcare, no taxes. There is hardly anything we can do as we are fed with so much benefits from the government that any complaint we make will come off as ungrateful. These benefits that are everywhere constantly remind us that we are under the watchful eye of the higher-ups.

I know sound like an idiot saying these things as I obviously have never stepped foot in the working world. I am not entirely sure how it is actually like, thus making me unqualified to say these things. One of my fears of working in the government is that I will eventually get sucked into the system and become one of the office drones.

I would like so much to blame my failures on others, but doing that only makes me feel guilty, because I know that there if I had the willpower, I could make that change. I could be strong enough to overcome the procrastination, the fear, the laziness.

The next entry is already drafted and is a follow up to this entry, and it includes a more personal story. Till then.

Thanks

2009-09-28T11:18:00.000+08:00

I was looking through PostSecret photos online for this video I'm working on, and came across this:

Amusing yes, but am I complaining? I guess I am, I don't know. Once in a while I would like to know whether or not what I write is interesting enough to trigger discussions, or at least is agreed on or disagreed on or appreciated. I try not to moan about not getting a lot of comments because I don't comment much on other people's blogs either, only when I feel that what I have to say is helpful or worth reading.

I recently came across a blog owned by someone I don't believe I know, that linked me under their 'Daily Reads'. To know that a stranger thinks my blog is worthy of linking is quite gratifying. I'm not sure if I have any followers, I definitely don't have any public ones. But to whoever who does read my blog regularly, I thank you. Sorry for the lack of better words in the title.

Flogging debate

2009-09-25T03:06:00.003+08:00

I bet you've heard of the Malaysian muslim woman who was sentenced to caning for drinking alcohol in a club. It's hardly news now anymore since the hype was on about over a month ago. My friend Jirin has something to say about the dispute, albeit more vocal than mine. As I read the ayats below, I remembered Jirin's opinions on the matter:

Surah An-Nisaa', Ayat 107-111

Malay translation:
107) Dan janganlah engkau berbahas untuk membela orang-orang yang mengkhianati diri mereka sendiri. Sesungguhnya Allah tidak suka kepada orang-orang yang selalu melakukan khianat, lagi sentiasa berdosa.

108) Mereka menyembunyikan (kejahatan mereka) daripada manusia, dalam pada itu mereka tidak menyembunyikan (kejahatan mereka) daripada Allah. Padahal Allah ada bersama-sama mereka, ketika mereka merancangkan pada malam hari, kata-kata yang tidak diredhai oleh Allah. Dan (ingatlah) Allah sentiasa Meliputi PengetahuanNya akan apa yang mereka lakukan.

109) Sedarlah! Kamu ini adalah orang-orang (yang telah menyimpang dari kebenaran), kamu telah berhujah membela mereka (yang bersalah) dalam kehidupan dunia ini, maka siapakah yang akan berhujah kepada Allah untuk membela mereka itu pada hari kiamat kelak? Atau siapakah yang akan menjadi pelindung mereka (dari azab seksa yang disediakan oleh Allah)?

110) Dan sesiapa yang melakukan kejahatan atau menganiaya dirinya sendiri (dengan melakukan maksiat) kemudian ia memohon ampun kepada Allah, nescaya ia akan mendapati Allah Maha Pengampun, lagi Maha Mengasihani.

111) Dan sesiapa yang mengerjakan sesuatu dosa maka sesungguhnya ia hanya mengerjakannya untuk (menjadi bala bencana yang) menimpa dirinya sendiri. Dan (ingatlah) Allah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana.

English translation:
107) And argue not on behalf of those who deceive themselves. Verily, Allah does not like anyone who is a betrayer of his trust, and indulges in crime.

108) They may hide (their crimes) from men, but they cannot hide (them) from Allah, for He is with them (by His Knowledge), when they plot by night in words that He does not approve, And Allah ever encompasses what they do.

109) Lo! You are those who have argued for them in the life of this world, but who will argue for them on the Day of Resurrection against Allah, or who will then be their defender?

110) And whoever does evil or wrongs himself but afterwards seeks Allah's Forgiveness, he will find Allah Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

111) And whoever earns sin, he earns it only against himself. And Allah is Ever All-Knowing, All-Wise.

It's as if Allah knows we will make those decisions and judgements, way before our time. The whole debate about the Muslim woman receiving caning as a punishment for drinking alcohol, forbidden in Islam, is following the book. Why do we fight for her right? Is it because caning is too harsh on a woman? Is it because we don't want Islam to continuously be labelled as an uncivilised religion?

It's the law. You know the rule- you do the crime, you do the time. Islamic Syariah ruling is seen as a backward, uncivilised law. Heck, the whole religion of Islam itself is often seen as a primitive ideology. I can't think of a solid rebuttal to these views as of now, but it is quite unfair how people are looking at the big picture outside the frame, without analysing the little pixels that add up to the big picture.

Of marriage, divorce and double standards

2009-09-25T00:07:00.004+08:00

Not touching too much on the three subjects above, but something I came across from Surah An-Nisaa' in the Quran.

Ayat 19:

Malay translation:
Wahai orang-orang yang beriman, tidak halal bagi kamu mewarisi perempuan-perempuan dengan jalan paksaan, dan janganlah kamu menyakiti mereka (dengan menahan dan menyusahkan mereka) kerana kamu hendak mengambil balik sebahagian dari apa yang kamu telah berikan kepadanya, kecuali (apabila) mereka melakukan perbuatan keji yang nyata. Dan bergaulah kamu dengan mereka (isteri-isteri kamu itu) dengan cara yang baik. Kemudian jika kamu (merasai) benci kepada mereka (disebabkan tingkah-lakunya, janganlah kamu terburu-buru menceraikannya), kerana boleh jadi kamu bencikan sesuatu, sedang Allah hendak menjadikan pada apa yang kamu benci itu kebaikan yang banyak (untuk kamu).

English translation:
O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will, and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse. And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.

Keep trying to work at the relationship until you really know you can't. I know it's not my place to say these things as I have never been married, but in any relationship, you need to have tolerance. It may be good for you. With something you can't stand but you have to live with, it may teach you to be more patient and tolerant. If your partner has a special diet she has to live by, say she can't stand durians but you love them, maybe it's teaching you to lay off the fruit, reduce the food you eat. In the long run, it is actually beneficial for your health. It's the little things you need to look out for and and it will eventually affect the big picture.

Ayat 32:

Malay translation:
Dan janganlah kamu terlalu mengharapkan (ingin mendapat) limpah kurnia yang Allah telah berikan kepada sebahagian dari kamu (untuk menjadikan mereka) melebihi sebahagian yang lain (tentang harta benda, ilmu pengetahuan atau pangkat kebesaran). (Kerana telah tetap) orang-orang lelaki ada bahagian dari apa yang mereka usahakan, dan orang-orang perempuan pula ada bahagian dari apa yang mereka usahakan; (maka berusahalah kamu) dan pohonkanlah kepada Allah akan limpah kurnianya. Sesungguhnya Allah sentiasa Mengetahui akan tiap-tiap sesuatu.

English translation:
And wish not for the things in which Allah has made some of you to excel others. For men there is reward for what they have earned, (and likewise) for women there is reward for what they have earned, and ask Allah of His Bounty. Surely, Allah is Ever All-Knower of everything.

So there you have it, the never-ending debate about how men have more rights and freedom than women, vice versa. Allah has said Himself that each gender has their own specialty and uniqueness. No one is less than the other. And besides, if men and women were able to do both things the same, there wouldn't be any dynamics between us would there? It wouldn't be exciting. When you list it out, the number of pros and cons of being a man, and the number of pros and cons of being a woman, you can find that we are equal.

What if...

2009-09-17T13:41:00.002+08:00

I am still up, despite going to bed about 4 hours ago. Going to bed in the literal sense, lying down and trying to sleep. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, I think I don't try hard enough. When I can't sleep, I turn on my laptop and browse through websites or watch TV series in the hope that I will get bored and eventually accidentally doze off. I am doing it wrong! I guess I don't feel comfortable yet with just plain lying down, closing my eyes and emptying my mind. Sleep, da*n it. The headache is kicking in now... and to think that I wanted to get up in two hours.

There is this thought that occasionally goes through my mind- only ocassionally, in healthy doses. What if something unfortunate happens to me that causes my life to be taken away (God forbid, Nauzubillah), and nobody realises. Nobody realises that I've died. Say I'm in bed and my life gets taken away from me. Then no one notices. No one seems to realise that I'm lying there lifeless in bed, no one seems to care that they haven't seen or heard from me in days. Or I am out with some people, friends or family, and they wait for me, not realising that I am in trouble and my life is in danger. What if no one seems to worry that I'm gone?

If you were living with me, what would you do? If you were out with me, what would you do?

I'm just playing. Hope I freaked you out a little there =p. I'm sorry to joke about death like this, I didn't mean to offend anyone at all, and I sincerely apologise if you did take offense. Death is not proportionate to age; take good care of how you lead your life, and make wise choices. You never know when your life gets taken away from you.

Unpublished blog entry #6: MY love.

2009-09-16T09:47:00.001+08:00

I am just going through my Drafts folder because there are a lot of stuff in here that I should clean out! Anyway, this entry was drafted over a year ago, and was actually a discreet rebuttal to someone else's blog entry, of which I felt was disagreeing to one of my previous Love & Relationship blog entries. The blog owner did mention that he disagreed with what someone said on their blog about their idea of love, and somehow I felt that person was me =p Perasan, I don't care. I didn't publish this entry immediately because I didn't know how to finish writing up this entry properly. But after reading it again, it feels complete.

I would like to apologise in advance if the words below may offend you in any way. Note that these are my opinions from a year ago. Maybe some of it has changed since. I also don't condone dating relationships per se, neither do I support it. However I can firmly say that I am no longer interested to be in a dating relationship, for religious reasons. And hey, it's so much easier being single =p Anyway, here it is:

These are my opinions and I'm putting it on the Internet so everyone can see and comment on and criticise, but I don't want my opinion to be misinterpreted too. So I'll try to make it as clear as possible.

When I'm talking about love here, it's about relationship love. Two people, guy-girl, guy-guy, girl-girl, whatever your taste is. Love is universal; there is love for family, friends and God, but in this post I am talking about two people in a relationship or are looking to be in a relationship.

When I say you have to work for it, I mean compromise. What if you meet someone, get to know them, flirt with them and start going out. But then you both realise that there's so many differences between the two of you. You're not going to be immature and leave that person because of a few things you two can't deal with. But then again you're not going to be a doormat and change yourself just to suit his/her wants and needs. The way to deal with it is to talk things through. COMPROMISE. But when you try and try and it still doesn't work, then it won't. You can't be together. See where I'm going?

Call me a skeptic, a pessimist, whatever. This is reality. All those cheesy romance movies clouded our thoughts with rainbows and butterflies that we lose sight of what is really in front of us. Could you imagine doing cheesy and corny stuff for your beau? Even if you said you would, would you REALLY? I am still waiting for someone to prove it to me. Do it and prove me wrong.

These are my opinions, again as I already stated. If you still want to stick to your theory that when love is right, it's easy, then that's okay. You're going to be one lucky person.

I started a topic on a forum I frequent about love at first sight, and there were some disagreements about whether it exists or not. We found that the disagreement stemmed from the fact that we each had different views on how love is defined. We each had our own way of interpreting what love is. Some were realistic, some were pessimistic (I'd say I was the former, but you'd probably say I'm the latter), some others were idealistic, and others were optimistic. It all boils down to how you define love. Some defined love as the first time they saw someone and their heart says, I want to be with this girl. But then again, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT PERSON. How can you LOVE them?

That word 'Love' is overrated, really. When you've reached that sense of content, when you are totally comfortable with that person, you don't care if you have bad morning breath or sweat like a pig in front of them, because you feel that you can be yourself around them. Now that's love, baby. Well, at least that's MY definition of love. Some couples can be together for months, even years, before they proclaim that they are truly in love with their other half. There's no rush to be in love with the person you are seeing. You can like someone easily, but to love takes time and a LOT of patience.

I used to wonder how people could move from one guy/girl to another even after they just broke up from the previous guy/girl. Then I realised (maybe I'm wrong but it's just a thought) that it was because they weren't trying too hard. It's not that one cannot wait that they'll settle for the next person they are seeing. It's just that you might never know if something could happen between the two of you. What if you go out with someone, but then there wasn't really any 'chemistry' (or 'compatibility' or whatever you call it =p), so you think, nah, this won't work out. You are going to give up just like that. So if after that you meet another person who catches your fancy, you get to know each other, like each other, flirt with each other and eventually go out. Kalau nada, then over lah. People who have a lot of friends socialise a lot tend to go out with different people. You know, person meets friend who introduces person to friend of friend and they get to know each other. The whole one degree thing.

I think my mistake was that I wanted to be friends with the people I was seeing. When they show a slight interest to be more than friends, I start to panic and think, how should I get out of this one. I'd treat him as a friend. I don't want to seem desperate, so no calling or texting unnecessarily or repetitively.

One thing about me though, I don't think I can ever dump someone. I don't know how to let go first. Unless he's really annoying, has a huge ego (INDA MAU KALAH), is immature and clingy.

I think I'm falling in love

2009-09-16T01:01:00.002+08:00

At times when I feel Allah blesses me with good things, even if it's the slightest bit of good that can be easily disregarded, I feel like I'm in the ultimate love relationship. Take for instance a man-woman relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. When we please them, often times we want them to return the favour by pleasing us back or at least showing their gratitude with a simple 'thank you'. But if we don't receive gratitude, we can feel neglected. Vice versa. If you can still feel neglected, can this be called the ultimate love relationship?

On the other hand, our relationship with Allah differs than relationships with humans. Allah shows us His love by blessing with good things in this life and the Hereafter. And all we need to do to show Allah our gratitude and return His love is to praise Him in our prayers and supplications, never forgetting Allah just like He never forgets us. Nothing more. No spending large amounts of money buying material gifts, no risk of being cheated on or dumped. Because no matter how many people love you, no matter how much one person loves you, their love cannot amount up to how much Allah loves you. Allah can change our course of life in an instant, and He never makes you feel neglected. Whatever things Allah has in store for us we should accept, for only Allah knows what is best for us.

I also kind of realised that it doesn't matter if people don't love you the way they love some others. It doesn't matter if they don't shower you with gifts or thank you for little thoughtful gestures you do for them. We are after all human, and we are not perfect. We can never repay everyone the way they are meant to be repayed and the way they want to be repayed.

Allah can do anything, we can ask whatever we want from Him and it will be granted by His discretion. Asal jangan minta yang inda tantu-tantu lah. Sometimes when I see others receiving so much love, I think to myself why don't I get that much love and attention too? After reflecting back on my character, I see why it is so. But then I compare them and myself and think, am I that far off from them? Am I jealous? Maybe. Who doesn't want to be loved. But then realising Allah is always around makes things better. I may not be loved so much by the people around me but I'll always have Allah. Maybe because I kind of set myself apart from others, I don't hang out or spend much time as often, so there may be inside jokes or moments which I don't have. I don't talk much, don't share much, don't joke around as much, don't show as much love. I don't go "I miss you" all the time. Even if I really mean it it's hard to say. Ego? Maybe, or I find it uneasy to wear my heart on my sleeve.

Often I don't know what to say. So I don't say anything at all. I have a hard time explaining myself verbally, and even written form. Why is it that I have so many drafts in my Blogger editor? So much to say but you don't know how to say it.

And that's what's amazing about the relationship with Allah, I think. No matter how hard it is for you to string words together to explain what you want, it doesn't matter because He already knows what you want. He knows everything that's inside your mind and your heart. It's the easier relationship ever. The hard part is returning His kindness and blessings.

I sometimes like to look at the little things that are often overlooked. Even an offer for help, or a simple act of gratitude shows affection. So I try not to complain when I don't get as much love from others. Because showing love isn't just through gifts and gestures. Sometimes you don't know how people show you that they love you.

Over the years I kind of learned not to put too much hope into anything or any situation. Which I guess causes the setback whenever I want to hope for something from Allah. So from here on, I will try to put my hopes up whenever it has something to do from Allah. No keeping hopes up in competitions, no keeping hopes up whether or not someone will remember your birthday and get you the gifts you want, all that jazz. The only one who has the ultimate power to do anything and make your hopes come true is Allah.

And lastly I want to share with you something enlightening. Baba Ali, the guy on YouTube who 'reminds us in case we forget', shared this quote on his Twitter @ummahfilms - "If you only have hope, then you get lazy. If you only have despair, then you are going to give up. The goal is to balance the two."

To die or not to die

2009-09-11T00:00:00.002+08:00

I found sharing short extracts from the Quran that I find reflects our lifestyle and serves as a reminder to us quite enlightening, and is also beneficial for both my readers and myself. So I thought I'd give them it's own category. Today I came across another revelation from the Holy Book.

If you ever been given a choice, whether to choose life over death, which would you choose? If you were told you would die tomorrow, would you be scared to die or would you accept you death willingly and confidently?

If you answered scared, think of why.

In Surah Al-Baqarah, Allah reminds the Jews of their wrongdoings - altering the contents of the Torah, killing Prophets after Musa A.S., not fulfilling their promise with Allah regarding payment of zakat etc. The Jews however, claim the following in part of ayat 80 of the Surah:

Malay translation:
"Dan mereka (Yahudi) berkata: "Kami tidak sekali-kali akan disentuh oleh api neraka kecuali beberapa hari yang tertentu".

English translation:
"And they (Jews) say, "The Fire (i.e. Hellfire on the Day of Resurrection) shall not touch us but for a few numbered days".

Allah then retorts in the following in the same Surah, ayats 94-95:

Malay translation:
94. Katakanlah (wahai Muhammad kepada kaum Yahudi): "Kalau syurga negeri akhirat itu telah menjadi hak istimewa untuk kamu pada sisi hukum Allah, tidak boleh dicampuri oleh orang-orang lain (seperti yang kamu dakwakan itu), maka cita-citakanlah mati (supaya kamu dimatikan sekarang juga), jika betul kamu orang-orang yang benar".

95. Dan sudah tentu mereka tidak akan mencita-citakan mati itu selama-lamanya, dengan sebab dosa-dosa yang telah mereka lakukan; dan Allah sentiasa mengetahui akan orang-orang yang zalim itu.

English translation:
94. Say to them (the Jews): "If the home of the Hereafter with Allah is indeed for you specially and not for others, of mankind, then long for death if you are truthful."

95. But they will never long for it because of what their hands have sent before them (i.e. the sins that they have done). And Allah is All-Aware of the Zalimin (polytheists and wrong-doers).

Simply put, the Jews, who claimed that they belong in Paradise in the Hereafter, were told by Allah (through Rasulullah SAW), to ask for their deaths, if they felt confident that they will end up in Paradise. But the Jews will never ask for this, because they know that they have sinned, and therefore are scared of ending up in Hellfire after their deaths.

Can you see how similar this is to us? I don't mean to generalise 'us', but reflect on yourselves, really ask yourselves the question, are you scared of death? And why? A person will not be scared of death if they know in their heart that they have done as much as they can to please Allah, and stay away from the sins. Until we feel that, our Iman is never going to be enough to face death.

Unpublished blog entry #5: This is why I don't watch Gossip Girl

2009-09-09T08:00:00.004+08:00

This was a post I drafted over 11 months ago, and is a rant in most ways towards some hate I received last summer plus a few things that I was unsatisfied about then. This blog had a tagboard back then and someone (or people, I am still not sure) posted nasty things about me on it. The paragraph below was sort of like my retaliation or last word towards the hate. Excuse the language, mind you this was written 11 months ago. You know how I was then =p.

I'm tired to fight, I'm tired to argue. There's so many things that I'm not satisfied about, and there are things that people aren't satisfied about myself. Rather than going on a rampage of rants and personal attacks, I'll just say this. If you have any issues with me, tell it straight to my face. Don't go on Facebook and complain on your status; freaking do something about it. Tell it to me in my face - through MSN, e-mail or whatever if you don't feel right talking to me about it. Don't drop hints or fake excuses in the hopes that I'll realise what you're trying to say - just tell me as it is. Even if it may hurt, at least I'll realise what it is I've done wrong and try to do something about it.

Don't throw a bunch of insults at me on my tagboard and expect to get away with it just because you're 'anonymous' and 'a friend of anonymous'. And especially don't accuse me of doing something that I didn't do. Get the whole picture - don't just assume things and blame others because it makes you feel better about yourself and pushes aside the possibility that it was you who f*cked up. How do you know what you assume is true if you don't ask me first? There are always two sides to the story. Your assumptions are WRONG. And if you are reading this then you're just contradicting yourself when you said you are "no longer my reader". Try leaving even a trace of you being on this site and I'll shove those four words in your face to show the hypocrisy. And freaking, f*cking please - refrain from name calling. Calling people with disrespectful names just shows immaturity.

One of the worst things in the world to do is make up false stories about someone. I can say I'm sure I've never done anything like that, none that I recall of (if I have I'm sorry and please do remind me if I had). Don't say outrageous things about me if you never even met me in real life. And don't freaking judge me from what I did years ago, how do you know if I'm still the same person? You wouldn't if you haven't seen me in years, would you?

I couldn't care less if I sound like a hypocrite now, I'm only human and no human being is perfect. I can only try my best to not contradict myself. I'm just so sick and tired of what some people keep throwing at me right now. People always have something to say, and it's hardly ever positive.

Let it go and freaking move on, life will be better that way. It's not like I'm in your way - I never was. Your insecurity chose to see me as a threat and turned you into a psychopath. Let's just freaking respect each other as human beings. I don't get in your way, and you don't get in mine. Okay? We have separate lives we can live harmoniously in, no need to pick fights just because you like the drama.

F*ck, I'm so pissed right now; I've been keeping all that in since summer up till now. Things keep adding up and I just can't take it. I'm just freaking unsatisfied with all the disrespect, sick of the drama. You know what the best thing is for everyone to do? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Let Hollywood handle the drama.

That was then. I'm glad it's over. Those who witnessed the hate know I chose to ignore it, but God knows I was trying real hard to find out who it was. I chose to ignore the nasty comments eventually because I did find out who did it- through guesswork but I was sure nonetheless, and I wasn't phased because we didn't know each other at all. I mean, we did know who each other was, but know each other personally, no. It was just an immature attack and I was not in the wrong, so it didn't make me feel guilty. But at the same time there were also messages posted on the tagboard which I felt were from other people who took timely advantage of the hate and egged it on, making it seem like it was from the same person. I think so because the hostile comments felt so personal. They were describing things about me which I felt were true, but true at another time - a time when I was younger and in high school. I haven't met my high school friends in years, and if it my guesses are true that it was indeed an old classmate or friend who wrote that, it bothers me. It bothers me because I find it appalling that someone who hasn't met me in awhile but remembers me from years back can still keep all that hate. And to take advantage of someone else's hate and spur it on is... I can't think of words to describe it.

I am definitely not a person you will like entirely. I can be irresponsible. And I do treat people like crap sometimes, as if I'm the queen of the world. But the thing is, I realise it. And I then I feel guilty about it. You know how tiring that is? To actually give a hoot about other people's feeling after you've wronged them? (excuse the lame word 'hoot'- I was going to say d*mn but it's kind of a swear word - I'm trying to lay off swearing). It looks so easy and cool to be Dr. House (from the TV show House- duh) or Dr. Cox (from Scrubs), the guy who treats everyone like crap but is still befriended and respected. They are fictional characters! In real life if you give someone crap in their face you're going to be the black sheep wherever you are.

I am never happy with who I am, that is why I am trying to better myself and be happy. So far it's not making considerable progress. May Allah help me. And I guess it's fitting in with this post, to apologise to whoever reads this if I have or may have wronged you in the past, whenever in the past. Whether it was from 15 years ago or 10 years ago or 3 hours ago. Forgive me if I inadvertently hurt your feelings, made you angry, pissed you off, patronised you, belittled you, made you feel inadequate or incompetent, made you feel left out, spoke bad things about behind your back, mocked you, mimicked you in a derogatory way, stereotyped you, snapped at you, ignored you, ignored your feelings, tried to avoid you... the list goes on, feel free to add to it. I apologise whatever I have done to make you feel so. The good comes from Allah and the bad comes from myself.

Is it possible to ask for advanced forgiveness? =p In case I mess up and be a 'female dog' again? (I know, I reaaallly am working on the swearing thing). I'm sorry.

If you're wondering why I don't have a tagboard on this blog anymore, it's because I wanted the comments that I received to permanently stay in the blog for future reference. Most tagboards have a limit to the number of messages they can store for free users. So I didn't find it feasible. And nowadays every blog, especially Bruneian blogs, have tagboards, I find it kind of tacky. Plus, I want comments to be placed in one place only, for consistency and easy reference. In no way did I get rid of the tagboard because of the hate I received last summer. That has now flown over my head. Anyway, I got the permanent comment idea from another blogger who has stopped blogging.

Just some rant

2009-09-01T11:23:00.005+08:00

I have wanted to cut my hair since the start of the summer. Yes, yes, I've only just chopped my locks off at the end of '07 but I feel like wanting to look at myself with short hair more often. Long is nice, long is feminine, but somehow I get bored by it easily! Maybe it's because of this silly theory I have with hair; that women with short hair are single and carefree while women with long hair could be attached or too feminine and not carefree. Silly theory, I know. Ignore it. There are times when I look at my long hair and think it's really pretty. Then I think twice about whether or not to get it cut. Sigh. Being a Libran is not easy; we're an indecisive lot.

Regardless, I think I should cut my hair, to get rid of the artificial colour I used on it. The details on the package says semi-permanent, but no, it's still there. You can see under direct sunlight.

I remember back in college, I was talking to a male friend and randomly said, 'I need a haircut'. He then replied, 'why do you need one, no one can see your hair anyway' (I regularly wore the headscarf back in the day - just like most Bruneians I guess I only wore it out of culture's sake and out of parent's sake). His reply ticked me off a bit, because hello, who can see my hair? I can! I can feel my hair too. Looking good equates to feeling good and thus results in higher level of confidence and happiness.

Just because we women who wear headscarves don't show our hair in public doesn't mean we don't have the right to feel pretty. What some men don't understand about women is that women want to look good so as to feel good about themselves. Sure there are other ways to make yourself feel good. But looking good is one of the easier ways and it wouldn't hurt to do the easy things. Plus, presentation is key. Men moan about how they like their women to not wear makeup and look natural. Well men, what you don't know is that the attractive women you see wherever you go who look like they're not wearing makeup. Well, they are. No one is born with flawless skin. Lipgloss counts as makeup, a blot of powder counts as makeup. What about those celebrities you praise and drool over so often, do you think they would look that sexy if they went bare-faced, au naturale? I don't want to sound rude, but. You're men, what do you know about makeup! Unless you're a makeup artist or actually wear makeup yourself, then you wouldn't know. That is why there are natural-looking makeup looks, so we can carry out our day to day tasks looking good and not being judged by slapping our faces on with colour cosmetics. We women like to feel good about ourselves, regardless of what you say. What we do to ourselves is so that we look good, and it is hardly ever for garnering attention to ourselves. In this day and age, you'd be hard pressed to find natural beauty that isn't enhanced with cosmetics, or sometimes technology.

Just like how some women can't understand football and other manly stuffs, some men can't understand makeup and women related stuff. I know some men who don't like their women to get involved in male-dominated activities. So men should know better not to meddle in the feminine affairs.

We can have this debate over and over and it'll never end. It's always double standards, men to women, women to men. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree. We are so different from each other, we can never understand fully even if we try. So sometimes compromise is the best solution. Understand as far as you can, and if you can only go so far, then compromise.

I apologise for any sexist notions, cultural stereotypes and generalisations I may have mentioned. This is one of my posts where I type and immediately publish. I'm not angry as I was typing this entry, I'm just miffed at how fussy the opposite gender is towards women and their beauty habits when nowadays beauty everywhere is manufactured, it's not just the women who are brainwashed.

Trouble sleeping

2009-08-20T11:41:00.005+08:00

I can't remember a time when I lay down in bed and actually planned to sleep. Sure there are times when the next day there is a big event or exam or whatever. But on normal days when the next day is just another day, I never say 'tonight I'll sleep at this time'. I never go to bed, close my eyes and make myself fall asleep. I sleep only when I feel sleepy, not at any scheduled time. I sleep only when I am extremely tired and eventually nod off. I hope that made sense.

I never go to bed at night at peace with myself and sincerely thinking to Allah, thank you for today. Now I try to remind myself that before I sleep, I should thank Allah for anything, even if my day was bad.

Yet I often have trouble sleeping. Is it because I refuse to sleep since I have not finished my tasks? I know that I have incomplete tasks yet I continue to put them off. At this point I can't deny something is wrong with me, mentally.

My good friend always reminds us to 'sentiasa perbetulkan niat', or constantly correct our intentions. I didn't really understand by what she meant at first. Sure we know that if our intentions to get closer to Allah and strive for His blessings is for all the wrong reasons, such as to show off our piousness to others, or to ask from Allah something that is against Islam. But you never know, your intentions that you think are pure can change anytime. I think it is every Muslim's fear that we succumb into riya' - showing off our piousness to impress and receive admiration from those other than Allah. Pondering more upon what my friend said, I realise that like any other task or journey that you set yourself up for, you need to set short-term goals and long-term goals. There are the smaller tactics that will supplement and eventually lead to bigger strategies. And for now I feel that my intentions is to seek inner peace. When I am at peace with myself, when I can be positive and can be disciplined then I can go the step further. I apologise if this sounds selfish, but I find learning and doing too much at once can be overwhelming. I'm at a place where I am not happy with how I am - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My low self esteem drags me down no matter how much I learn to improve. So I want to sort that out. I want to be a happy person. I'm not trying to sound like a religion skeptic here, and in no way am I disrespecting Allah and Islam, but with just prayers alone, I cannot hope for myself to change. There has got to be some other way, some sort of mental change, some disciplinary method to change my negative mindset. Whatever it is, I hope I find it. And if you know how I can find it, please let me know.

The right amount of bulu

2009-08-17T10:35:00.008+08:00

Living abroad away from family I experience things I would never have if I had stayed at home. One of them is living with and hanging out with guys. I've hung out with guys more times in the UK than I have in my whole 17 years prior to living in the UK. Actually now that I typed it out it kind of sounds exaggerated - but hey, hanging out at school doesn't really count.

I come from a family that consists of only one male, so I don't have many examples of men who are capable of doing jobs that are stereotyped for women. From living overseas, I start to see that men are capable of doing 'female' jobs, such as housework. And those who prior to studying and living abroad, had never laid a single finger on a frying pan before, and depended on microwave dinners most of the time, now can conjure up a simple but nice home-made meal. Looking at the growth of guys here, and from how they used to be, I couldn't but think of the criteria a women would look for in a husband.

Anyway, I think this post will be about marriage. Nothing fancy - just my thoughts on marriage, and my current ideas of an ideal husband. I don't know why, this summer seems to have so many engagements and marriages. Maybe it's because most of the people getting engaged or married are people I know or know personally. It makes me think, 'wow, we're old enough to get married'. Then I recall how old I am and feel that I'm still young. Maybe I feel that way because I am not mature enough as a person. I will be 22 years old in two months. But putting maturity aside, just looking at the numbers, I don't think I have reached the age where I am old enough to get married. If I were in a steady relationship I might think differently. But let's say I am not thinking of getting married anytime soon, neither am I looking to get married. I need to sort myself out first. I think it'd be better to save myself and the supposed future husband some trouble and fix the crazy in me first before starting a new life together with him.

I have been thinking though, more lately than before, about the idea of a Muslim marriage. When I say Muslim marriage, I mean the no-dating-before-marriage, no relationships thing. It sounds 'primitive' when you say it like that, but when you think about it, it's sort of an easy way to get married. You save yourself the hassle of dating, spending money on someone who might break up with you when you don't see it coming. You don't have to worry if he or she might dump you at any given time, you won't have any regrets spending money on them if they do end up dumping you. Simply put, you save time and money, and no broken hearts.

But then you may argue that if you get married with someone without having a relationship with them beforehand, how are you supposed to know what kind of guy or girl he/she is? How do you know if he/she is good enough for you, is worthy of marrying you? Shouldn't you get to know the person first? For all you know, the man could be a womanizer, the woman could be a control freak. And then there's the issue of experience. If you never dated before, you might not know how hard it is to be in a relationship. Because maintaining a relationship isn't all rainbows and butterflies. There's a lot of give and take, and compromise.

I slightly agree with the whole experience thing, because my past failed relationships have taught me some things and made me emotionally stronger, less naive, less prone to falling head over heels. Men are very different from women, a fact that I only known quite recently. We women think we know men, but no, there's much more to men. But let's save that for another entry. Digressing...

Before my decision to become closer to Allah, marriage wasn't something I was very excited about. I didn't have a set age of when I plan to get married. I always imagined that I wouldn't think about marriage seriously until I was 30. I thought I'd embrace the single life, earn loads of my own money, enjoy time with my friends and all that jazz. I'd been laughed at when I admitted I wouldn't get married until I'm 30. As a woman, 30 years old is quite late to be just married, and I don't think it's just because of the biological consequences (having a baby after 30 etc). It's ironic that it's considered acceptable for men over 30 to still be unmarried. Pfft, double standards. But getting back to what I was talking about earlier, I have girlfriends who are so looking forward to the prospect of getting married, even though they aren't in steady relationship or are not engaged yet. I couldn't understand that before. How people are so excited to get married, when there is still so much of single life to embrace. Settling down in your job, paying off your car loan, moving out of your parents house and finding your own place to stay. I want to do all that before I get married. But you never know what is in store for you. I used to silently mock these ladies who are so excited at the idea of marriage. Is it because marriage seems so romanticised? It's always "congratulations, the bride looks so pretty, I'm happy for you, Oh My God look at the size of that ring!" Everything about the wedding day has to be perfect - the clothes, the makeup, the flowers, the food etc. Everything has to be grand. I don't really see why not, since it is a big day and who does not like getting attention? I just feel marriage is so romanticised, to the point where every single little minute detail is such a big deal. Could this be the result of Hollywood romance films? (I still don't think The Notebook is the best romance film ever - in my opinion!). And then there's the nosy post-marriage questions: "so are you pregnant yet?". It's great and everything, and marriage is definitely a good thing. But I don't know, the whole romanticised thing kind of puts me off a little. It's probably just my opinion. I'll never know until I get married. Who knows when that'll be. For now let's just hope there will be less movies that blind us from seeing the real deal in romantic relationships.

But that was me then. Ever since I learned more about Islamic marriage, I kind of warmed up to the idea of marriage. Although I still am not eager to get married anytime soon, I have been imagining how the marriage could go down and how I might meet the future husband. Come on, don't tell me you never think of how you might meet the man you could spend the rest of your life with. Deep down under all the skepticism I am still a girl. I imagine my prospective husband could be a work colleague, I don't know. Or a friend of a friend, and we could bump friendlies at an event or something, exchange a few words, nothing flirty. Or he could be someone I already know, maybe an acquaintance, or an online friend, or an old high school classmate I haven't met in a long time. Who knows. Or he could be an expatriate working in the country, someone related to the royal family, or even a prince. You never know...

Good God, I am actually laughing now, the whole thing sounds corny. But excuse me, maybe it is because of the surplus of engagements and weddings at the moment.

I hope I can say this on behalf of all muslimahs, that women want a husband who can lead his family to follow the Islamic way of life. I hope to be part of an ideal muslim family. I want my kids to include me not only as their mother but also their teacher, their best friends and their confidante. Excuse me for being cliche by saying that behind every strong man is a strong woman. A woman offers their support for her man. Husbands and fathers cannot do it alone, just like how we as humans need companions in our life.

If you're worried that you don't know the man enough before you marry him, think of it this way. If a man is a Muslim first before anything, and puts Allah first before anything, then insyaAllah you can trust him to treat you with respect. If you are worried that he might cheat on you during your marriage, look at how he faces Allah. If he truly fears Allah, he surely would not dare to sin. Ultimately, if the man is a well-rounded, responsible Muslim, he will, insyaAllah, succeed in being a good husband. Don't forget that as the wife, women also have the responsibility of supporting the marriage. Just like a dating relationship when we talk about effort, both the guy and girl need to work to make the relationship happen. The happy chemicals are going to wear off sooner or later, and you can't rely on the physical side of things to keep you staying together. (May I note though that physical relations between men and women who are not married are forbidden. But I bet you already know that, don't you? =p)

I don't want to sound cheesy, but sincerely, may Allah bless us Muslimahs to end up with soleh husbands. As for me, I would just like to add a few criteria to the list: he must know how to cook and do housework. Who is going to take care of the household if the wife falls sick or is in bedrest after childbirth? Don't be smart and answer, 'the maid'. You can't rely on outside help all the time! Also another important criteria because I can't stand it - my future husband has to have clean cut fingernails AND toenails. Come on guys, long toenails are disgusting!

I had a dream a couple of nights ago, that I had a baby. I dreamt I gave birth to a baby boy. It was virtually painless; in real life it would've probably hurt like God knows what. In the dream I was holding my baby and I never felt so much love for something I owned. I technically own the baby because I gave birth to it so I'm the mother and the baby is my child. And it's just an amazing feeling, that feeling you could love something or someone that way. I never felt it before. Too bad it was in a dream, I find it difficult to relive dreams, sometimes even remember them.

You know what, maybe I have been watching too much Friends reruns. Rachel gives birth to Emma, and Monica and Chandler adopt twins and agh. Man, that show has a lot of babies.

I need answers

2009-08-14T06:30:00.005+08:00

About a week ago I posted a tweet that read, "Allah will always help you, but first you must help yourself." Problem is, how to help yourself when you don't even know how??. I got some good feedback from it, thanks. But none of them didn't really answer what I really wanted to know. What I wanted to know was how to help yourself to make the effort so you can improve yourself and your capabilities. Because we can pray as much as we want, recite zikir and read the Quran as many times as we want, but to push ourselves to do our worldly commitments? For example you have a very big important work-related project that is due soon. How do we to push ourselves to do it? We can ask help from Allah all we want, but if we don't do our part in making an effort and actually doing the work, there won't be any progress. Much like the infamous saying that with prayer also comes effort. So what I'm asking here is, how to help yourself, how to push yourself to just go and freaking DO something? Because prayers alone are not enough. Allah wants us to work for what we strive for, or in some cases, to work for what we have to achieve to just plainly survive.

I'm thinking maybe it's a psychological problem, like procrastination. Procrastination can be caused by a lot of things. In my case, it stems from fear. Fear of what, I'm not pretty sure myself. Fear of failing? Is it because I feel the task is too hard? If that is the case, then why do I not work hard to avoid the failing? Why do I refuse to face reality and hide behind the easier tasks in life? Is this some sort of psychological problem? Because I feel that any amount of help that I receive from Allah will not suffice unless I also help myself to improve and get over this so-called fear.

When I think about it, solat helps to cure procrastination a bit. We are recommended to carry out the daily prayers as soon as the time for prayer has come. Whenever the Azan is read out, we are recommended to put our daily tasks on a momentary hold, do the ablution and perform prayer. So no putting off prayers to the last minute. Sadly this is what most of us do, and I confess I am also a culprit. During prayer we face Allah. We should be happy to face him, anxious to receive His blessings. It feels easy to face Allah, but why does it not feel easy to face the worldly tasks set upon us?

I'm really exposing too much here, being all emotional and baring my fragility. But I'm looking for answers and it's so hard now. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of this sickness I have which now only I can cure. It's so tiring being like this.

One of my favourite Scrubs quotes

2009-07-26T09:58:00.005+08:00

Scrubs came to an end a few months ago and I am currently downloading Season 1 as we speak. I've streamed and watched every episode and I have to say it is one of my favourite TV series ever because it's a good mix of comedy and drama. Some people might not really understand the humour and I know some people who find the series boring. I find the comedy to be a little similar to that of Family Guy where it's just totally random. I've watched a couple of behind the scenes stuff and the producer says that they wanted a Simpsons kind of humour in it. All this comedy is mixed in with a good amount of drama which is not too overwhelming and makes you stressed out hehe. It deals with real life situations and has anecdotes relating to plain reality, like death and moving on, how to handle superiors at work, committing to marriage, learning to grow as a person. And the show has some of the best quotes ever. Oh and I should mention they use a lot of awesome songs on the show too.

Anyway that was my little tribute to the show. Now to wait for the first season to finish downloading... at this glacial pace... snore. And then 7 more seasons.

Takut ku sebenarnya...

2009-07-07T18:47:00.012+08:00

"Takut ku sebenarnya...". Something I've been saying to myself over and over lately. There's so much to ask for - always have consistent iman, pray for my parents' well-being and receive Allah's blessings in this world and in the Hereafter.

There is also so much to improve on - iman, performing prayers on time and with khusyu', remembrance in Allah, covering aurat properly. While learning to improve myself and my Iman there are also bad habits to discard - backbiting, gossiping, daydreaming, procrastinating, leaving prayers to the last minute, impatience, giving up easily, bad temper and there is so much more that what I just listed is not even half of it. Where do I start? By listing it all down? Ya Allah, it could fill pages and pages of books.

And the main reason for now why I'm scared and worried is because everything I have now and what I wish for can be taken away just like that. I'm scared that what I have been praying for this past month will not be granted by Allah. Because if what I want does not happen, I cannot imagine what better situation is in store for me in the future, no matter how much I try. If I myself cannot imagine what good it can do for me in the long run, then only Allah knows what's good for me. If my prayers are not answered now, either something better will happen in the future or that is the punishment I receive as a result of my sins.

Think of the times you thought to yourself "why does bad things always happen to me?". Let me share with you something my friend Hajah Diyana shared on her blog:

Ujian - hadapilah ia dengan penuh kesabaran dan keredhaan.

"Dan kami menguji kamu dengan kesusahan dan kesenangan sebagai cubaan; dan kepada Kamilah kamu semua dikembalikan" (Surah Al-Anbiya': ayat 35)

Hadis sahih yang diriwayatkan oleh Abu Hurairah R.A bahawa Rasulullah SAW bersabda: "Sesiapa yang Allah inginkan padanya kebaikan, (Allah) akan mengujinya" (Hadis riwayat al-Bukhari)

Manakala hadis lain membawakan mesej yang lain pula, iaitu riwayat Anas bin Malik R.A daripada Rasulullah SAW: Besarnya pahala (balasan) adalah seimbang (setara) dengan besarnya cubaan (bala). Dan sesungguhnya Allah, bila menyukai suatu kaum, Dia akan memberi cubaan kepada mereka. Maka sesiapa yang redha, baginya keredhaan Allah. Dan sesiapa yang marah (tidak dapat menerima cubaan), maka baginya kemurkaan Allah. (Hadis riwayat Ibnu Majah)

Di antara sebab-sebab kita diberi ujian ialah:

1) Sebagai balasan di dunia ('uqubah wal jaza')
Pertanyaan Sayyidina Abu Bakar R.A kepada Rasulullah SAW: “Wahai Rasulullah! Bagaimanakah (bentuk) kebaikan itu setelah diturunkan ayat ini - 'sesiapa yang melakukan kejahatan, dia akan dibalas dengan kejahatan itu'? Apakah setiap kejahatan yang telah kami lakukan kami akan diberi balasan?”
Maka Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “Semoga Allah mengampunkanmu wahai Abu Bakar, (Baginda berkata demikian) sebanyak tiga kali. Bukankan engkau jatuh sakit? Bukankah engkau merasa sedih? Bukankah engkau dilanda keletihan? Bukankah engkau ditimpa bala (musibah)?”
(Abu Bakar) berkata: “Aku berkata (kepada Rasulullah): “Ya!”
Baginda bersabda: “Maka (dengan) itulah kamu diberi balasan semasa di dunia." (Hadis riwayat al-Baihaqi)

2) Penebus dosa (kaffarah)
Daripada Abu Hurairah R.A mengatakan, apabila diturunkan ayat 123 dari Surah an-Nisaa’, kami (orang-orang Islam) merasa sangat sedih. Lalu Baginda SAW pun bersabda: "Bersederhanalah (jangan terlalu berlebih-lebihan atau terlalu lalai) dan berusahalah melakukan (perkara) yang benar. Maka pada setiap musibah yang menimpa seorang muslim merupakan suatu kaffarah. Sekalipun (musibah itu berupa) bencana yang menimpanya atau duri yang menyucuknya." (Hadis riwayat Muslim)

3) Diberikan ganjaran
Hadis yang diriwayatkan oleh ‘Aisyah R.A, Baginda SAW bersabda: “Tiadalah seseorang mukmin yang tertusuk duri atau lebih dari itu melainkan Allah mengangkat satu darjat (dengan tertusuk duri itu) atau menghapuskan daripadanya satu kesalahan.” (Hadis riwayat Muslim)

I also want to share with you these hadith:

“Dua kejahatan yang disegerakan balasan di dunia adalah zina dan menderhaka kepada dua ibu bapa.” (Riwayat at-Tirmizi)

"Allah postpones the punishment for one's sins till the Day of Judgement if he so desires. But He awards the punishment for disobeying the parents during this life, before his death. (Al-Hakim)

The first hadith mentions two sins - fornication and disobeying parents, and the second hadith also mentions disobeying parents. You might think "okay, but I've never had pre-marital sex and I've always respected my parents. But the Quran also mentions these two sins and has its accepted interpretation:

"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a great sin and an evil way." (Surah Al-Israa, ayat 32)

Notice that the ayat states "do not come near to unlawful sexual intercourse". The accepted interpretation of this ayat of the Quran is is that we can't even come close to actually having pre-marital sex. Coming near to fornication includes kissing or even just plain holding hands, and closer to zina are touching, fondling and also do-it-yourself zina i.e. masturbation! Basically coming near to zina is anything that can heighten your sexual drive and lead to zina.

Imaam al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: The ulama said that the phrase "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse" is more eloquent than merely saying 'Do not commit zinaa', because the meaning is 'do not even come close to zinaa'. This means not doing any deed that may get close to zinaa or lead to it, such as being alone with a member of the opposite sex, touching, looking, going to evil places, speaking in a haraam manner to a woman to whom one is not related, thinking about and planning immoral acts, and so on.

To disobey your parents is easier than it it seems, that sometimes we don't even realise that we are doing it. We can hurt their feelings without us even realising. It can be through a simple act of ignoring their calls or making up excuses to get out of doing errands for them, or just not giving them enough attention. Parents are also humans and they also need attention from their loved ones.

As mentioned in the Quran, even a simple offending sigh to our parents is counted as a sin.

"Dan Tuhanmu telah perintahkan, supaya engkau tidak menyembah melainkan kepadaNya semata-mata, dan hendaklah engkau berbuat baik kepada ibu bapa. Jika salah seorang dari keduanya, atau kedua-duanya sekali, sampai kepada umur tua dalam jagaan dan peliharaanmu, maka janganlah engkau berkata kepada mereka (sebarang perkataan kasar) sekalipun perkataan "Ha", dan janganlah engkau menengking dan menyergah mereka, tetapi katakanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang mulia (yang bersopan santun)". (Surah Al-Isra', ayat 23)

What this whole post is trying to get at it is that there are reasons why what we pray for does not get fulfilled, and why bad things happens to us. There are three reasons quoted above - as a punishment in this world, as redemption of our sins or a better thing will happen to us in the future.

Those who commit either of the two sins, or both (Nauzubillah) - fornication and disobeying parents - will be punished in this life. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that maybe your life isn't that blessed because you've done these two sins before. I was so scared when I first read those hadith. During a phone call to home I asked for my parents' forgiveness. Well, I told them about the hadith first then I asked them for their forgiveness. Inda cali tu if I tarus-tarus minta maaf arah dorang out of the blue and they think something might happen to me. Haha.

I'm still scared, Ya Allah. Next week I will find out whether my prayers have been answered. May Allah forgive us for our sins, give us His guidance and His blessings. Amiin.

Justified

2009-07-01T05:50:00.006+08:00

I said I'd come back when I'm free as a bird but I'm not yet exactly. But this post just keeps on calling to me to be published. Mun sudah drafted since last month. Anyway, I felt this post was important to justify my actions and changes that some of you may have noticed lately. I'll let you on the inside scoop. The reason I am telling you this is not to be some sort of preacher, or God forbid, trying to show off. It's just that I feel people should know how I came to this point, so that we all can avoid negative judgements or assumptions.

It started when I realised how I've wasted so much of my time. I was scared of facing reality, I was afraid of confronting my responsibilities. And that's when I lose hope and give up. I give up easily. My lowest point, even if it was for a second, was when I actually considered suicide. I thought, what if I killed myself, that would be the easiest way out and I dont have to deal with everything. The thought fluttered by briefly in my mind, so subtly and casually. But it still freaked me out.

At first I thought it was a psychological thing, how can someone be such a chronic procrastinator? I summed it down to fear. It could be fear of commitment, fear of failure, I can never be sure. I searched the Internet for answers. And you know the Internet, there's loads of crazy 'poo' on there (hey, I'm still working on the putting off swearing okay?). There was this one site which offered therapy sessions for chronic procrastinators and stuff. Thinking back now I can't believe I actually considered that stuff, even for a brief moment.

I actually thought of killing myself. It's freaky because it's such a condemned, frowned upon thing. Not only morally but religiously. I kind of understood the reason why the people who did commit suicide or have thought of committing suicide. At least I knew where they were coming from. Could it be easier? Could all you worries just be over, and other people will no longer be bothered by your presence? Is that the easy way out? Astaghfirullah. I have never thought about suicide that way and even I myself was taken aback when the thought crossed my mind. Very weak people succumb to suicide, to actually take their own life isn't courageous at all. They are scared to face reality because it seems doomed, there is nothing else left besides failure. And ending one's own life is the easiest way out.

Then at my lowest, most pathetic state, I remembered God. I remembered religion. So again I used the Internet to search for that, and came across this particular blog post from Ness (she is an awesome writer by the way, check out her site). And what struck me the most was this paragraph below which included an excerpt from the Quran, Surah Ar-Ruum, ayat 33 and 34:

While struggling for help and trying to find a cure for my mistakes, I failed to immediately see that Allah is always there for His creations. But I was never there for Him. It was like a relationship gone bad. If you're always doing favours and nice gestures for your boyfriend but he ignores them and does not appreciate it, sasak jua kamu kan tu? Allah has given us so much in life, from the food that we eat to the money we are given each month to the technology that makes it easier for us to communicate with our family and friends. And do we repay Allah for all these blessings he has given us? Allah gives us so much in this life, and all He only asks from us that we worship Him, do what He says is good and stay away from what He says is bad.

My goal for now is to find inner peace. I question myself, why am I so impatient? Why do I sometimes (well, most of the time) lose my temper at the most trivial of things? Astaghfirullah, these are the symptoms of a hard heart. And it's tiring having to have all these ugly traits within you. I question why my mind, heart and soul hardly ever feel calm and at ease. I ask myself why do people dislike me, don't like to be around me or find me uncomfortable to be with. All my bad habits are, I found to my horror, signs of a hard heart. And a hard heart is caused by weak Iman.

While some of you may think that this is a 'timely' transformation, i.e. I'm going back to Brunei for good, that thought never crossed my mind when I chose to follow the straight path. Cubatah kamu pikirkan, I have about another month in the UK before I fly back home. Why do I not choose to make most of that time to commit sins, go clubbing and partying, miss prayers, wear clothes that reveal my aurat, waste time daydreaming and doing useless things, gossiping and backbiting berabis-abisan before I return to Brunei for good and probably never see UK again? Why don't I start being pious the minute I step back onto Brunei soil instead? Why start now? If you were someone who wanted to get most of the freedom living in a democratic country away from the prying eyes of your own culture and society, you would have used the last of the time you had to do the things you couldn't do back home, right?

My point is, I am sincere in what I have chosen to do and follow. I had qualms in the start of whether or not I could go through with this. I worried it would just be another phase, that I would revert back to my 'uncivilised' ways. This blog entry here is just my effort to try and avoid negative accusations. It's for the benefit or not only myself, but more so for the people who might start gossiping and spreading rumours. People always have something to say and usually it's not very nice. To be honest, even I was one of those people who thought 'apa ni eh, menunjuk alim' whenever certain people display their faith in Islam. I also sometimes felt inferior to those who make it apparent that they put their faith towards God first before other worldly matters. All these thoughts have crossed my mind before. It's hard to not be judgmental, even for the most diplomatic of people. The purpose of this blog entry is not to show off, God forbid those intentions come to mind.

I don't think I've changed much for now. And I don't want my friends to 'alienate' me thinking I'm off bounds just because I'm alim. If a person is in tune with their religion doesn't mean that they're boring because they don't do stuff like go to clubs or parties or dress in fancy revealing clothes. I'm the same person you have come to known, only now I'm trying to be closer to my God and my religion. I leave the bad things and embrace the good. It's definitely not easy because there are certain things you're used to doing and then you suddenly have to be rid of it altogether, and vice versa.

Please pray for me that I will stay in Iman, that this isn't a phase where when once I am blessed with good things once again I forget about Allah and revert to my old ways. Nauzubillah. If you see me, please remember that I am learning, forgive my mistakes and negligence, and please do not hesitate to correct me. Umat Islam menolong sesama sendiri memperbaiki Iman. How this religion brings its community together is beautiful.

Back from the dead

2009-06-30T12:00:00.002+08:00

Good God, it's been over month since I last written something here. Yet I have eight drafts lined up in my post editor. It's hard to press publish when you're not sure if your message that you want to put across is clear. But here's just a post to put things back into gear again.

I'm staying at First Avenue now and the living room smells like lilies. The smell of lilies reminds me of my 20th birthday. I like flowers. They're so pretty and nice and they're alive as well so you have to take care of it everyday. It's like having a pet. When I have my own house in the future, InsyaAllah, I want to grow a mini flower garden so can I wake up to the smell of fresh flowers everyday. Every time I come home from work the first thing I smell will be the scent of fresh blooming flowers. I don't know if a home flower garden is possible in Brunei weather but I'll have a go. I'm no gardening expert. I just want fresh flowers to be in my house all the time.

Two days ago I finally finished cleaning out the house I lived in. Yesterday morning our housing agent came and the keys were officially handed back to him. So that's one thing done and off of my hands. A stupid thing happened the night I finished cleaning - I was moving the last of our stuff out, which was mainly heavy boxes and furniture we no longer needed and wanted to give away. I wanted to give my swivel study chair away and Saiful already booked to take it. He put it outside the house for awhile while he helped Kash carry a heavy TV over to 688. Then some car stopped in front of our house, we didn't know what the dude in the car was doing. And we saw the chair was gone. It took a while for us to realise that the dude in the car drove off with my chair. We all just stood there confused. It really pissed me off. You can tell by my straight-worded descriptions that I'm trying so hard not to swear right now. I was seriously pissed off and still kind of am. Some stranger drives off with my chair, stole it right in front of our noses. I know I said I don't need the chair anymore but taking someone's stuff right in front of their faces is just plain rude.

I admit I didn't handle the situation well. I realised a little late that it was Allah's test of my patience. Maybe the chair wasn't good enough for Saiful, who knows, Wallahua'lam. And apa nya orang, bukan tah rezekinya tu. Everything happens for a reason. Even if something bad happens now, good will come out of it because Allah has a better plan for us. There was a minor crack on the plasticky bit at the back of the chair anyway, so whatever (sasak kali ku masih haha). Thank you so much to Kash and Saiful for helping carry the heavy stuffs out of the house. You guys have strong man hands.

Anyway, there are leftover furniture and appliances from my old house. Stuff like fan heaters, coat hangers, lampshades, an analog radio, a printer (a little dysfunctional but if you can fix the ink cartridge that's great), wastebasket, extension cables and some other appliances. So if anyone wants to grab some it's first come first serve. But I'm kind of hoping that the new students would benefit from it. There are also loads of leftover kitchen utensils as well, the new students would find that helpful I bet.

I'll write more when I'm free as a bird. Till then, stay healthy.

Three simple words

2009-05-20T06:01:00.005+08:00

Salam and hello!

I haven't fallen off the face of the Internet, no. Like every other university student, I'm busy finishing up assignments and projects. I have my production project due in 3 days, and next week will need to hand in a vacancy 'advertisement' for my assessed interview, which is on the week after. And the week after that will be my project exhibition!

At least all of this is within a week of each other so it gives me some time to get ready. I know that's good, Alhamdulillah, but three more weeks seems so long! Everyone is done by the end of this week or next week, and my housemates will start packing things to go home, and I'll be under pressure because I'm the only one who won't have packed yet because I still have assessments underway :( I'm so jealous. Astaghfirullah, please help me throw these ugly feelings away. InsyaAllah, Allah will guide me through these three weeks, and smooth sail through the one week or so (only one week??) where I will pack my things. We'll be moving out of the house by the end of next month, so pack pack pack. Four years worth of stuff :(

Subhanallah, I cannot stop asking for strength and help from God. May Allah show His love and mercy. To all of us :)

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, sometimes I feel so lonely upstairs in the attic. To fill in the quietness, instead of music I put on TV series and more recently, Islamic lectures and talk shows. Just so it seems like there are people in the room with me, talking.

I can't wait till everything is over for everyone so we can all hang and chill and have a good time together. All this time I had totally underestimated the importance of good company. Let me be sappy to all who are reading here and say to you, "I miss you". Boohoo. Okay, hope to see you all in three weeks time!

Astaghfirullah.

2009-04-30T18:09:00.005+08:00

Lately I've been pushing myself to the limit and this morning I woke up with a bad headache, (which I still have and am trying to find a cure), and I'm thinking I've got no one to blame but myself for putting me in this situation. Which lead me to do a bit of searching and I found a post from this blog.

Read the last few paragraphs of this post. I will admit, I have been reduced to tears by it. I would paraphrase this in English but I don't know the words for it. Manusia ani lalai. I'm one of the many. If millions of other people in the world can be faithful to their beliefs, why can't I? It's never too late to start. Start little by little.

Solah is the foundation of Islam, it's like a ritual or a thing you do daily. To explain it in simple terms, take for example taking a shower or brushing your teeth or having a pee. You cannot not pee in a day (unless you have an extremely weird bladder), or else you can suffer from urinary infections, or in a less life-threatening view, wet your bed. So if we can do those things several times everyday, why can't we perform our five daily duties everyday as well?

It takes willpower and I'm going to strive for it. And I realise that I work well with support and motivation, and togetherness. Come join this journey with me, slow or fast, hard or easy. It doesn't matter as long as we can see the big picture ahead. Start by building your foundations, Allah does not ask much from us, other than we praise Him have faith in Him and do what He asks of us.

Urban Legends

2009-04-19T07:23:00.023+08:00

Just the other day my friend was telling us a chilling story he heard from a friend. And just minutes ago I went on http://www.fmylife.com and there was the exact same story that my friend told us that night.

Turns out it is an urban legend. But nevertheless still chilling all the same. The entry has been deleted since, but here are some more to read: http://www.snopes.com/critters/snakes/measured.asp

There is another urban legend I heard from my mother. When I first heard the story from her, obviously I thought it was real, but turns out there are other people who have heard of the same story. It maybe be true, it may not, that's how legends work. But the story my mom told me went like this.

It was the last day of term for a girls' boarding school and everyone was getting ready to pack up their things from the boarding house and go home. As the day went by it was finally time to close the school for the long holiday. Eager parents were waiting readily outside the boarding house gate to fetch their children, excited to be spending the holidays together. But one young girl was no where to be found. Her parents were very upset and soon reported the matter to the police. A search party ensued but they could not find the girl anywhere. A missing person report was also filed but no one came forward with any news. Day after day passed by and soon it school was in again for another year. The search for the young girl was hopeless.

The night before school started again, young girls were filing into the boarding house and settling back into their rooms. But one girl found her room to have a nasty stench. She complained to the warden about it who then set to check out what the source of the problem was. But before I go on to tell you what the warden found, let me tell you something else that happened on the last day of school.

On the last day of school, a young girl and her friends played a game of hide-and-seek and she chose to hide in the closet in her room. The other girls, within all the excitement of playing as well as spending the holidays with family, forgot about the girl. She on the other hand, thinking that her friends were still playing the game, waited patiently to be found and eventually fell asleep inside the closet. When she woke up, she found that the closet was locked from the outside. Before closing down the school, the warden locked all closet doors for security reasons. With no one in the school to hear her, and the security guard probably miles away from her room, there was no way out.

Now if you haven't put two and two together, let's go back to the story earlier. The warden eventually did find what caused the awful smell. The stench came from inside the closet - it was the smelly remains of the young girl lost months ago when the school closed.

So, how was my story-telling? I suck when it comes to explaining stories or telling jokes. I can't make a story dramatic and have the same impact as good story tellers do. And I mess up jokes, the punchline is delivered wrong, etc. So I kind of made an effort on this one. Anyway, when my mom told me this story it sent chills down my spine. Imagine the spirit of that girl, still haunting the closet, wailing and begging to be found and let out. I can imagine Samara from The Ring climbing up that dark well, her nails bleeding from scraping on the hard stone...

Shit, I better stop, I'm creeping myself out. What urban legends have you heard of?

The true coward.

2009-04-16T20:33:00.004+08:00

My sister spent almost a week here for her term break and is on here way back to London as we speak. And for once, I feel a little bummed about it. Holidays are over, it's crunch time. Everyone will be busy with revision and coursework. But I'm scared. Most of the time when I can't do something well, what I resort to is just not doing it at all. I just give up. Which is so, so wrong. Sometimes we have to realise that there are no second, third or fourth chances in life. We can't always give up now and think, 'oh, there's always another time'. You think I'm brave for walking home alone at 4 in the morning? Think again. Anyone who doesn't fall under the pressure and give up because they're scared they'll fail at their commitments - those are among the bravest of people. I'm just a coward. I'm scared and I just want to shake it out of me and tell someone. But that means letting people down, embarrassing myself and showing what a disgrace of a student I am. I am always uncomfortable when people start talking about coursework. And I hate that because why should I be uncomfortable? I am a student and that is what I should live up to!

Today I'm going to get off my lazy butt, take a shower and start cracking my skull open with some books.

Right after I catch up on my TV series. Tuuu kan! There's always at least 10% procrastination in everybody. Ooh I almost forgot, Prison Break is back on air soon. It better be good!

Karit

2009-04-14T06:54:00.004+08:00

I don't like it when I feel like my time is taken away from me. Siapa jua suka kan. Entah, I can be selfish. Maybe more than I realise. So when people try to take over my 'me and you' time, I can't but feel pissed. No, I can't find a fancier word for it so 'pissed' will have to do. But whatever. Maybe I'm not a fun person to spend time with one on one. Or spend time with at all. Okay, how do I put his in a way that's easier to understand.

Here's an analogy. Back when I was still with my ex and we'd spend time together, I'd feel slightly selfish if someone else were to spend more time with him than I did. It kind of took our 'together' time away. The same goes with other important people in my life. I guess I don't know how to appreciate something I got until someone else gets it. Urgh. I really, really hate this feeling. That's why I'm writing about it. I can't shake it off until I tell someone but it's hard to tell without showing all the ugly stuff like selfishness and possessiveness. I just don't like my plans with someone to be cut short because of others.

Okay, enough bantering from me. I'll just have to deal with it. Sharing is caring, whatever.

Here is Azmi with his rendition of D'Masiv's Merindukanmu. I can listen to his voice all day and all night.

MisteR A to Z

2009-04-08T06:59:00.017+08:00

I am still elated about the Jason Mraz gig I went to see earlier tonight. I have been to a couple of gigs and concerts these past months but never really talked about it. You know what, tonight I have been feeling slightly happier and energetic than usual so let's document this moment before the crankiness sets in again.

I recorded a bunch of videos and found out some stuff which explains the stuff that happened tonight. Jason came on stage dressed in these weird pajama pants, a piece of asparagus held in his hand like a cigarette and on top of his head, a cereal box cut into the shape of a hat. He looked loony but turns out there was a reason.

Damn it, I wish I could see him get out of bed in the morning. And guess who caught that piece of asparagus? It landed right on Mus's jacket. We told him to keep it obviously. I guess no one wanted a piece of asparagus, even if it was one bitten by Jason Mraz.

Opening for Jason was Marit Larsen from Oslo, Norway. She was a member of M2M, I think they've disbanded now. If you can remember their popular songs were Don't Say You Love Me and Pretty Boy. Tonight she kind of reminded me a little of Bjork. It must be the hair and way she sort of shakes her head in a cute way when she sings. I like the way she dressed. I think I want to try to dress like that. Just try.

Also opening for Jason were Two Spot Gobi, a band from Brighton, UK. These men were awesome. I like the upbeat, jazzy vibe they have. Two Spot Gobi have the cutest bassist. There were a number of lookalikes I thought tonight. The bassist looked like James McAvoy, while the lead singer is reminded me of Daniel Bedingfield. Jason Mraz's percussionist looked a little like a slightly plumper Jared Leto, with longer hair and without eyeliner.

I like both opening acts, they really tied in with Jason Mraz's genre and are super talented. Jason was his awesome self, when he sang his voice sounded flawless just like it does on CD. He has a quirky sense of humour as well which makes him cooler than he already is.

Also because of this, I love Jason Mraz more. Shout out to the short people!

For me, the night was only ruined by two things: 1) These no-mannered idiots (sweaty and smelly ones may I add) who kept pushing against us when there was clearly no space left. We paid the same amount to see the show, just freaking suck it. 2) I was looking forward to seeing Two Spot Gobi after the show and taking a picture with them and their ridiculously cute bassist, but as we walked out off the floor up a flight of stairs, we found ourselves outside on the street again! Looked like we took a wrong exit. Ah well that was my fault.

Most of all, I think to enjoy a gig thoroughly, you have to have great company. Thanks for tonight, you guys. There wouldn't be anyone to bitch about cranky and unmannered people with, in another language. Respect to Jason Mraz for remembering us shorties!

Untitled

2009-04-04T12:12:00.005+08:00

There's not much to say lately. I don't feel like talking. Both in the sense of making conversation and actually physically talking. Although I sometimes feel empty so I try to say something, anything. But it doesn't come out sincere, so I thought "why bother". At times I find it difficult to explain what I want to say; it doesn't come out right and people don't understand it, that gets frustrating. It's easier to say (type) things on the web, it's easier to think thoughts through in my head, but when it it comes to actually conversing with another person, so many other things are involved. Just the way people talk are different. Language, accent, choice of words. Then there's the matter of facial expression and tone of voice. What the hell am I getting at here. Point is, I get frustrated when people don't understand what I'm saying so I choose to just shut up rather than waste my energy being angry at myself.

I'm just in this apathetic state, nothing seems to excite me anymore. And I think I know why. And until I sort that out, it'll be hard for me to be completely worry-free.

I used to think that people who dropped out of school early didn't have any goal in life, didn't have any ambition, didn't have any drive. They always gave the same reason for dropping out - I am tired of studying, I can't do it anymore. I actually know how that feels like now. I can't push myself; if I do it's like a weightlifter trying to lift more than he can hold up. I have dreamt of things that I want to do because I enjoy doing them. What I am doing now will lead to something I enjoy doing (hopefully), it's just that I can't take the studying anymore. The academic side of it is just not that intriguing to me. Maybe I need a new process of learning, who knows what will work. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. But for now I guess I'll have to pull through these last few months.

Maybe someday when I'm ready to become a student again I'll be better at it. Yes, I am a little apprehensive about not being able to get the opportunity to study again, but I'm ready to take that gamble. I somehow know that if I force myself to do this again, I'll fail miserably. I'll be letting down myself and most importantly, the people who care about me.

Snore.

2009-03-27T13:28:00.013+08:00

Last week my housemate, who was at home, asked to buy a pack of cigs for her while me and my friend were out, and seeing I was the only one who brought ID along, I went ahead and did the errand. Asians look younger than their age, okay. Petite asians some more. Anyway, Tesco's cashier queues at 5pm are like rush hour traffic, so that gave me ample time to get ready. Passport in hand, I put on my most grown-up looking face. God knows what that looks like, I just try. When it was my turn I strode up confidently to the counter as if I bought cigarettes everyday. "Malboro Lights please, the 20", I said to the guy behind the counter. I was actually cringing inside dreading that ever so condescending question. But whaddayaknow, I did not get IDed! A highlight of the week there and it made me feel a teensy good about myself. I know it sounds so sekadar but for me that's quite an achievement.

Maybe the dude was just lazy to ask for ID.

I am so apathetic right now, it's a social hazard. I can understand why some people don't enjoy being around unenthusiastic persons. Give me something to be excited about! Give me something to look forward to!

Anyway, I was thinking of doing a sort of 'tribute' to the 90s. I grew up in the 90s, and while I might not remember what happened in the early 90s, I recall most of the mid and late 90s. It's nice to look back at those days and think, "what the hell". So here's a little taster, I'll start with something everyone knows. If you don't know this then sorry kid, you're too young =p

Funny that everyone else is doing the infamous macarena dance while those two old dudes are up there looking like they are trying hard. The first girl that 'sings' reminds me of Sarah Silverman.

Grooming and shaping eyebrows

2009-03-19T17:25:00.003+08:00

Well-groomed eyebrows are important. It provides a 'frame' to your face, can make yours eyes appear bigger and enhance your complexion. Here are some tips to groom and shape eyebrows.

The Sharpie eyebrows. Do not make your eyebrows look like they are drawn on. Remember what Amy Winehouse said: No, no no.

The monobrow. Even men aren't allowed to have this! Nuh-uh.

A natural but well-groomed look is the way to go. When applying eyeshadow or contouring your face with bronzer, the brow bone is one of the key areas to highlight. So make sure to keep this area virtually hairless. You can get rid of stray hairs by plucking, waxing or threading.

Before starting the hair removal process you need to know which hairs you are going to remove and which parts of your eyebrows you want to keep in place. Also, know where your natural arch is. Remember, keep it natural - do not overdo it. Here is a guide chart on how to find your natural arch and where your eyebrows should start and end.

Here are the basics, and there are 4 key things to know:
The brow starts (line D) a little bit in towards the center of your face from the corner of your eye. It ends at line F, which is roughly a 45 degree angle that starts at the brow beginning and runs alongside the outside edge of your eye. Use your brush to estimate this.
The bottom of the brow (line B) is at the same height as the top of your eyelid. Both ends of the brow should be at roughly the same height, with the tail end perhaps a little higher.
Your eyebrow’s arch (line E) should be in line with the outside of your iris (the colored part of your eye) when you’re looking straight ahead.
Your brow height (line B to line C) should be about the same height as from the top of your eyelid to the bottom half of your iris (line A to line B). Another way to look at this is while looking straight ahead with your eyes open normally, the height of your eyelid should be about half the height of your eyebrow.
Source: http://www.chickjunk.com/makeup-tweezing-and-shaping-classic-eyebrows/

For plucking, all you need are a pair of tweezers and a high tolerance for pain. A cube of ice or a cold, damp cloth may also come in handy to ease the pain.

Here is a good video tutorial to show the basics of eyebrow grooming and shaping.

You can thread your brows either at a beauty salon that offers this service or by yourself. When choosing a beauty salon to thread your eyebrows, make sure they don't overdo. I personally do my eyebrows myself as I know my limits. Here is a tutorial on how to perform DIY threading and the tools you need for it.

Waxing strips specifically for eyebrows are available at most drugstores, and of course, with all hair removal, a high tolerance for pain is needed.

It may hurt the first couple of times when you start grooming. But the pain will recede in time when you make it a routine and get used to it.

Current addictions

2009-03-19T04:21:00.003+08:00

Some things I am liking so much now:

The third season of America's Best Dance Crew is over and done with. I am actually happy that Quest Crew won, even though I really thought Beat Freaks were going to get more votes. Now instead of watching the whole shows, I just fast forward through to Quest Crew's performances. Fangirl tah jua banar eh.

How sexy is this? I know this clip is old, but I was looking through YouTube videos of Quest Crew, and it turns out almost all of the guys from the crew have been on So You Think You Can Dance. Most of the guys have gone through auditions, but only Ryan, Hok and D-Trix have actually competed on the show.

The song is called Make It Work by Ne-Yo. Hot song + hot choreography = hot show. I love how they had the perfect facial expressions for the whole set. Because of this clip, I think I have developed a teeny weeny itty bitty crush on D-Trix, who I now have a habit of calling Dominic. And because of Dominic, I am downloading this whole season as I speak. How obsessed am I?

More on the awesome invention that is called YouTube, I am currently loving ryanimay's piano compositions. Each one of them has a story behind it, and although I have no knowledge on piano whatsoever, I feel that the instrument sounds beautiful. If you are wondering who ryanimay is, he is Ryan Conferido from So You Think You Can Dance Season 1. He is also from Quest Crew, who are the winners of the latest season of America's Best Dance Crew! WELL, WHADDAYA KNOW. So I am obsessed, go cry about it somewhere else. I'm just saying I stumbled upon this due to YouTube's awesome search and related videos feature. And you can't deny Ryan is quite a talented dude. Here is one of my favourites from him:

Cow jumped over the moon

2009-03-13T08:00:00.004+08:00

http://www.martinsays.com/post/81587842/i-feel-like-chatting-about-some-random-shit-to#disqus_thread

HA. From the man himself. I never would have known either way. But there you go, Boys Like Girls do not have an album called Heavy Heart. Regardless, their leaked stuff still sounds good despite being Garageband produced.

Whoever came up with the nursery rhyme Hey Diddle Diddle must have the most random imagination in the world. The lyrics make no sense at all, even if I try to think of the dirtiest underlying meaning possible.

Old school Sesame Street makes me appreciate my childhood more.

By the way, there are a lot of Friday the 13th's this year, as well as the 1st of every month falling on a weekend.

Budget long-lasting eyeliners

2009-03-03T09:49:00.002+08:00

I figured with my increasing interest in makeup, I'd share some tips about cosmetics. As a materialistic student who is constantly finding ways to budget while at the same time resisting the temptations of the material world, I always want to find the best products for the best price i.e. the lesser the price, the better. In my opinion, there is no need to shop for high-end products when cheaper alternatives which work just the same (or better) are available. You know that's just peer pressure. On the other hand, if you're as rich as Donald Trump, feel free to spend on whatever you please, expensive or cheap. I'd do the same if I had unlimited access to money =p.

Here I share with you some eyeliners which work wonders for the cost of less than £10, and considerably less than any mid or high-end brand. I will be using a couple of cosmetics jargons here so if you're a beginner or know nothing at all about makeup, bear with me.

GOSH Velvet Touch Eyeliner

These eyeliners really live up to their name; on application the liners glide effortlessly without tugging on the eyelids. As for colour payoff, it is highly pigmented and comes in a wide variety of colours. Take a look for yourself here! It is also waterproof and long-lasting. If you should come across these lovely things,have a swatch on the back of your hand, let it set for a while and then test the long-lastingness of these babies for yourselves. And for only £4.89, these liners are amazing! GOSH products can be found at most Superdrug stores in the UK.

Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil

Urban Decay is sort of a mid-end brand, where the price isn't too pricey but pricey enough for the amount you're getting compared to drugstore brands. Retailing at £9.00, these liners are exactly what they claim to be - it is long lasting and glides on effortlessly. It is very smooth on application, and if you're looking for a black eyeliner that is pure, deep, true and the blackest black of all, try this eyeliner in Zero. Urban Decay counters can be found in Debenhams and in larger Boots stores.

Sleek Ink Pot Gel Eyeliner

Gel eyeliners are all the rave right now, mainly because of its waterproof and long-lasting finish. Some high-end favourites are M.A.C Fluidline and Bobbi Brown's Long Wear Gel Eyeliner, which retail at £10.77 and £13.21 respectively. But with the Sleek Ink Pot, even though the amount you get is a little less than of the formers, you only have to pay a whopping £3.99. How's that for a price difference. I have not tried M.A.C's or Bobbi Brown's gel liners before so I can't offer any comparison, but for a product worth £3.99, it does deliver outstanding results. This pot comes with a tiny eyeliner brush (which I recommend not using- invest in a better eyeliner brush). The amazing thing about gel liners are it is so waterproof that you can apply it on your waterline and it will NOT budge at all. I have tried this with the Sleek Ink Pot, and was amazed at how long these things lasted on my waterline. So if you've always been looking for something that will stay on your waterline, gel liners are the way to go. You can find the cute pots at Superdrug stores across the UK.

Prestige Total Intensity Eyeliner

These eyeliners are new from Prestige (I think, as they were on offer recently and I never seen them on the shelves before), and Prestige is also known as one of those drugstore brands that make some really good products. Their eyeliners are no exception. At the moment, there are only about six shades available for this range, but all colours are outstandingly vibrant. The black one applies on shiny but dries into a deep matte black. The rest of the colours have hints of glitter in them. And similar to the Urban Decay 24/7's, the black colour for this Prestige eyeliner (Deepest Black) is a really, really deep black. So if you don't want to spend £9.00 on the Urban Decay 24/7's, you can grab this one instead at only £4.88. Prestige cosmetics are sold at most Boots stores in the UK.

Prestige Waterproof Automatic Eyeliner

Another waterproof miracle from Prestige, these eyeliners come with twisty-bottoms, so there is no need for sharpening. My only gripe with this is that application is not smooth; there tends to be a little tugging. Colour variety is also considerably less compared to that of GOSH and Urban Decay, but the colour is long-lasting. I forgot how much these are sold for as I bought mine some time ago. But it shouldn't be more than £5. These eyeliners are available at most Boots stores across the UK.

Barry M Intense Eyeliner Pen

Like the Prestige Waterproof Automatic, these liners don't apply as smoothly as the ones I've mentioned previously. But the lasting power of these twisty-bottom pens are impressive for a product that costs only £3.95. Barry M products can be found at Boots and Superdrug stores across the UK, and people living outside the UK can enjoy this product as well since it offers international shipping! Go and indulge on http://www.barrym.com.

Now the trick with these eyeliners is to let it set for a little while after application, and they will last all day.

Chicken wings

2009-02-24T14:26:00.008+08:00

Hey, it's been awhile. I apologise for being so blah lately. Right now I have no motivation at all. I feel like a person who doesn't get asked to do anything because they know I'm unreliable. It makes me miserable to see that other people are doing stuffs that I can or should do. I can't blame them fully though because the current state of my coursework reflects just that. I'll be very random here as I have so many things to say in my head but I find it so hard to express them in typing.

There are a number of things I miss now that I haven't got to do in a long while. I miss playing Dance Dance Revolution. I'm not ashamed of admitting I like this game even though it seems dorky and childish. Because it's one of the few things I'm good at, so I don't care what anyone says, no one can take it away from me. It's a shame though that I haven't got to play it in a while. Maybe when I earn my own money and save up enough I'd buy myself my own PlayStation console and a whole bunch of games. That way I never have to complain again. Haha. Still it would be nice to have a DDR marathon again.

I was watching a video earlier and these people were eating donuts and it made me crave for Krispy Kreme donuts, hot off the rack. Nyum. I haven't had those in a looong while.

I also miss listening to music on the bus. My travels have been music-less and there's nothing to distract me while I'm commuting except for my daydreams. I have a mp3 player which I don't use anymore for a number of reasons. One, it doesn't have those wheel thingies that iPods have which makes it so much easier to search for songs to play, as opposed to pressing 'next' all the time until they get to the song they want to hear (which is why I want an iPod but I don't feel like spending that much money now). Two, I am now a proud owner of a MacBook, but the application of the mp3 player I have can only be accessed through a computer with a Windows operating system. And you know I can't be bothered to switch on my old laptop anymore, it's old and it takes ages to do that. The USB ports are dead anyway. POINT IS, I miss listening to music on the bus. And my small earphones are busted.

Okay I don't know what else to say now, so I'll just leave you with this little clip from Scrubs. A new friend brought up an awkward subject while we were having a conversation and did something similar to this, only with a less amusing word. And it left me in fits of laughter. Never thought it'd happen to me. Here's J.D. doing what he does best:

TV quotes

2009-02-11T14:51:00.007+08:00

I just spent almost half an hour searching for this quote I got from somewhere. I just happened to click on my Windows Live profile and it has a log of what personal messages you put on your instant messenger. I used this quote months ago and could not for the life of me remember where I got it from!

"because the cookie said so."

I think I got it from a TV series. The personal message was dated 24th November 2008, so I figured I must've got it from an episode that aired on the same day or the week before. I narrowed it down to the few TV series that I watch (goodness there isn't a lot) and the only possibilities are Chuck, The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. Come on, I doubt something as cheesy as that could appear on Prison Break or Heroes. Scrubs is definitely out of the question because the new season hadn't started yet at that time.

I want to give up but I can't, it's really bothering me. Argh, how frustrating is this. Please help me if you can? On another note, I am currently through the fourth season of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Haha I downloaded the whole series, still as funny as ever.

White February

2009-02-05T12:46:00.003+08:00

It's 4.45 am, and the only reason I'm posting this is to say... it's snowing outside. Very heavily. Yay! Except for the cold temperature, I really like this weather. Hey, I'm from Brunei, there is no such thing as snow there. My room is on the attic level so I have one of those loft windows that are sort of slanted because it's on the roof, so my window is covered in white speckles.

Awesome huh. Anyway, for the sake of making a longer post, here are some adorable videos of little girls getting their ears pierced. I hope you will be amused as I was.

The Snowman

2009-02-03T06:43:00.009+08:00

What has happened to this blog? Every time I have something to blog about it ends up in the drafts folder because it either sounds lame, self-centred, uninteresting or it just doesn't make any sense at all. I lost the art of story-telling (not that I had any to begin with). But lately I have been spending an insanely large amount of time on YouTube and there are some things that I'd like to share. First though, is the downpour of snow we have been getting almost all over the UK.

LOL.

We have our own share of photos too, but I personally don't have any since I suck at photography. We made two snowmen I like to call Beyonce and Jay-Z. If I showed you photos you'd understand =p I like how it actually feels like winter now. Speaking of snowmen, I remember watching this cartoon when I was back in kindergarden. Amazing how I could remember that far back. Anyway, I used to like it so much that I cried at the end. Hope this jogs your memories if you know it; here is The Snowman, in parts 1, 2 and 3:

Everybody needs a little time away

2009-01-26T02:20:00.003+08:00

Alone and lonely have two different meanings. You're not a loner if all you want to do is take a break and have some 'me' time. Which, in my opinion, is what everyone should do, just to stay emotionally and socially healthy, as well as stay sane.

The hard thing about living with people who are not your family is that every action or choice you make has varied consequences. If you have unsolved differences, cutting yourself off might result you in having no friends, depending on your social skills. Spending over three years here and I have to admit, people that I know in Uni are just coursemates and nothing more. Different cultures make me feel insecure. Yes, we do have small talk, groupworks, lunch together during breaks. But outside of Uni we have our own lives, mine very separate from theirs. Of course I regret that now, maybe in another time another opportunity might arise and maybe then I'll take action from my mistakes.

I like to spend time alone away from the crowd sometimes. Although I regret this sometimes but I can't help but feel scared of myself- I'm scared that I might lash out at things that annoy me and cause an argument, I'm scared that I take things too seriously and cause misunderstandings, I'm scared of feeling out of place, I'm scared of feeling like a tag-along, I'm scared of making situations awkward. So it's safer for myself and for everybody else that I take time out from the crowd. When I need someone, I know where to find my way. And when someone needs me, I can't help but feel grateful that I am remembered.

Now on to a totally different story, something which just came into my head. When I went home last summer, I was scared that too much had changed especially since I had not stepped foot in the country for over a year. What I resented was feeling like I was a 'typical Bruneian'. Dress code, eating habits, parking habits, working habits, watching TV habits, you name it. There are so many things that make you a 'typical Bruneian'. And I can't help thinking both ways- that I don't want to be that 'typical Bruneian', I wanted to break free from that social stigma and do what I like to do, do what I want to do, without people judging and telling you what to do instead. And I owe this type of thinking to being an overseas scholar. Studying abroad certainly opens up your mind to many different things. I am proud of this but the same time bothered. Bothered by the fact that I am looking warily at my own country and my own culture and society. Having that sort of mindset doesn't make me any different than a 'scholarship snob'- people who think they are all that just because they've studied abroad, in a country where they speak proper English, where it's cold and snows. Well here's the inside scoop- it's freaking freezing here, I bet any Bruneian or even South East Asian studying here would miss the warm weather like crazy.

But then again, I still don't want to be that typical Bruneian. It's in my blood; Brunei is the country where I grew up in. I may be who I am in the UK, but when I go back home, it's back to the social stigma. I wish I could find a way to get around that or compromise; to be a proud Bruneian.

Circle circle

2009-01-23T01:32:00.004+08:00

I just had to post this very random thought. I was looking through the Free Gifts application on Facebook and there were these 2009 glasses. Much like these:

And then I thought, "hey these are cool, I want one of these. Ah, never mind, I'll just wait till next year". But then I realised next year is 2010, so there won't be anymore of those cool glasses because one of the eyes won't have a round zero on it but a number one. =(

DOWN TOWN!

2009-01-15T08:14:00.005+08:00

Basically I watched something very similar to this last night, but happening live right in front of me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfuq3z5mS0Q

Embeds were disabled, sorry. But this will keep me happy for days to come. Ladies, enjoy.

Love or money?

2009-01-07T12:13:00.006+08:00

I put my site on private for a while because the layout change was driving me nuts. Now after compromising a few things, the site's back in action. Notice that there isn't a tagboard anymore. I figured since it's so redundant most of the time (except for that time during the summer- funny story), I'll put it away for the time being. So any comments, or even if you just want to say hi, go ahead and do it in the respective posts comments link. Comment in the comment link. Yay. Anyway, how awesome is this shirt?

The shirt says 'no boyfriend, no hassles'. I've owned this for 3 years now, and I don't think I wear it enough. And ironically, I never worn it during my relationships. It's so cute, and more importantly true. Hehe, but you know what they say, when you know its right, nothing about it is wrong. Nyeh, I made that up. But you get what I mean, right. I'm fine with staying out of the game, no pressure. Maybe it's the age; 21 is too damn young to be committed about something. Some of you may beg to differ, but I don't think I can be in a mature, stable relationship and love someone when I find it hard to be mature, stabilise my own life and accept myself for who I am. But really, when you have more important priorities like studies or parents or work, you're not missing anything. Make sure you've got your own life under control. And what I find myself grumbling about most of the time is money, and you know what happens to your money when you're in a relationship...

Now who can guess what my favourite four-lettered word is? You'll get a little treat from me as long as it's doable and is under £5.

Secret Santa thank you's

2009-01-07T10:48:00.006+08:00

Very long overdue post, here's the gifts I received from the Secret Santa party on Christmas Eve. Thanks to the hosts for the awesome food and decorations, and to my Secret Santa, Yani. These are what she gave me, both from my Christmas wishlist =D:

Four guitar picks

Too Faced Shadow Insurance

Thanks also goes to Razan, who was in a giving mood that night and gave everyone a gift, including me!

Rimmel London eyeshadow quad in Urban Beach

So that's one part of what I promised. Part two will be very overdue as well. Anyway, thank you again, and a belated New Year to all!

Study harder, Play better, React faster, Be stronger

2008-12-31T16:26:00.011+08:00

I would love to colour my hair like the shade Britney Spears has in her Womanizer video. It's so hot that if I had that shade of colour, I'd be seduced by my own head of hair.

Go watch her video, at 1:41 she becomes a redhead waitress.

But I'm not really up to the risk; well one thing it's expensive to colour hair at salons here (colouring that shade on myself is sort of out of the question). And another thing is of course the fact that I probably can't get away with it. My madonna piercing is enough I think =p

Anyway, I'm not a big fan of short blog posts so let's merge this one with reminiscing some past New Year's celebrations. I don't remember how I spent most of my past New Years, but I can say that I never really celebrated it very grandly, especially back in Brunei. The most is listening to countdowns on the radio or looking out the window to see if there were any fireworks in sight. No, I wasn't like your average 16 year old who wanted to have fun all the time. But rewinding back to the New Years spent in UK:

2006 - I vaguely remember that I spent this year cooped up in my room at my University halls of residence where I stayed. I don't remember what I did though. Wow, 3 years seems that long ago?

2007 - A little get together at a friend's place where we had takeout pizza and played some (silly) games to pass the time. There weren't many of us that night since most were away, but it was company nonetheless. Personally, it was the beginning of something totally new and confusing for myself.

2008 - This was my first and only year apparently, that I spent New Years in UK outside of home i.e. Birmingham. I took a little trip down to London to meet up with someone and at the same time get to see my cousin as well, join the New Year countdown, see the fireworks at the London Eye and scuffle through the massive (MASSIVE) crowd to eventually get the bus down to Edgware Road. Things didn't end well for that trip but hey, that's life and we learn from our mistakes and grow through our experiences.

2009 - Here I am staying in Birmingham again but this year we'll be having more company (I hope!) and one member of the family with me. Looks like nothing's planned yet as far as I know but we'll see tonight.

So yea, at the end of the day (or night), the New Year is just another day passing by in our life. What's important is what we've accomplished so far. I gave up making New Year resolutions years ago; procrastinators never keep to those things. The only thing in my mind that I really want to do is to complete my studies. I think that'd make a lot of people happy.

Three things I suck at

2008-12-31T15:57:00.008+08:00

Recently there's been a number of activities going on during my holidays, and it got me thinking of stuff that I just can't seem to be good at. Taking this on board, I also thought up of things I am good at or can be better at.

So here's something I don't think I can be good at - photography. Maybe I will try to be in the far future when photography isn't a fad anymore and we see less people toting around huge ass cameras; I might take photography up as a way to enhance my career skills. But as of now I am more comfortable being in front of the camera than behind. It must be tiring taking photos, even if you're a professional, taking hundreds of beautiful photos is no simple task. And don't get me started on saving them onto a hard disk or uploading them on to the internet. So no, photography is not for me.

Telling jokes is another one of the things I don't shine in. Some people are naturally funny and can dazzle almost everyone with their timing and humour. I lack either of those; if I do make people laugh it's either because:
a) I made an inappropriate dirty joke (which usually comes up at the wrong time by the way)
b) Tell a rare witty joke which some might get and some might not
c) Crack a lame joke in which you have to be as equally lame to understand
d) Tell the joke wrongly and it ends up not being funny.

Either that or I make a total fool out of myself and people laugh at me and not with me. Also another thing I suck at, which is kind of related to the joke thing above, is guessing mind game riddles. My friends are good at these sort of mind game things and can guess the answers pretty quick. I'm so bad at it I just give up altogether. Sigh.

Things I would love to do well in though, are as a matter of fact some things I am doing already. I play guitar, despite being not so good. My style of learning is, when I get to a point where I can play, i just stop there and don't make any attempt to get better at it. There's no motivation really when you're self-taught. But it would be impressive if I was self-taught and I played awesome guitar. Well, that'll take years...

I'm proud to say I'm pretty good at Dance Dance Revolution, even though the game seems to be associated with East Asian nerds. Hey, I'm not good at many things, so when I am good at something, I am proud of it. I have impressed people with what I can do, but not to the extent of blowing people's minds away, so hey, there's a challenge I should rise up to.

Also, I've only just started playing Rock Band and you know what, I bet I can totally nail all the instruments. Hehe.

I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold.

2008-12-29T13:07:00.004+08:00

No no, there is no ice box where my heart used to be. It is literally cold here in Birmingham and generally in the rest of the temperate-climated part of the world. And it's really annoying that the weather decided to be evil this time of the year, when sales are everywhere and people are rushing in stores to grab bargains before they're over. Also it's evil that I don't have enough money to splurge on the Boxing Day and post-Christmas sales this year. What's sad though is the fact that I've lost the wit to blog. What is there to blog about? A diary about what I did today with close-up photos of food that I've had and vain MySpace-esque pictures? Or emo one-liners which could either express hidden love for a certain someone or dramatise a depressing phase of life? These generic themes are what I try to stay away from, but lack of creativity has been leading to making an update for the sake of an update or just not updating at all. I had a brainstorm a few days ago which I thought would be a good comeback from the past posts but I totally forgot what is was about. That, readers, is called 'palau'. Bt anyway, I had another thought, and in this post I'll let you readers be involved.

Here's what I want you to do. Share with me some songs that you think are awesome, regardless of genre, whether it's old or new. I know I've shared with you before the fact that I have over 20GB of mp3s, which according to iTunes, takes 13.7 days to play. And that is not including the Japanese and Korean songs I also have. But still, I get tired of listening to the same things over and over. Also, I have not listened to new Indonesian songs in a while. So suggest me any song that you like, and why you like it.

I'll tell you what's in store for the next few posts: photos of my Secret Santa gifts, and a video of me singing and playing guitar. So how about that? Just make sure to share songs you think are awesome. Leave your suggestions through the comments link at the top right corner of this post.

Garage

2008-12-21T19:50:00.007+08:00

I used to listen to Capital FM a lot when they still broadcasted in Brunei, and thought the garage genre was kind of cool. Artful Dodger made quite a number of mainstream-able garage anthems and remixes, not too 'chavvy' and of which I haven't heard in a long time. As always, YouTube never ceases to surprise me with it's content and I've been reminded of my younger days listening to these tracks. I bet these tunes will jog your memory too.

Reading

2008-12-17T10:15:00.000+08:00

It's kind of sad when you think about the things you used to love doing but don't do anymore. Be it swimming or going to the gym or dancing or shoe shopping. Fadz and I were having a 'girl talk' last week and naturally the topic of shopping and wishlists came up. She wants books and was asking me about some new ones, which I replied with a blank face because I don't know any new books. She said "you don't really read, ah". It took me aback a little because as a matter of fact I do read. Well, I did. It was a favourite past time, but now it seems like something I do just to kill free time. And it saddens me a little because I used to read a lot, it was somehow a hobby for me.

It's sad that I don't read fiction anymore like I used to. It's so hard to catch up. The trend seems to be there is one author and these books to wait from him/her. The abundance of chick lit doesn't seem to help either. I could count on one hand the number of chick literature I've read. I don't watch Sex in the City, Gossip Girl or Grey's Anatomy either so you can guess where my interest lies of that certain 'feminine' genre.

I'm more of a series type of girl. Harry Potter. And dare I say once upon a time, Sweet Valley. Now you hear Sweet Valley and you think, 'who reads Sweet Valley anymore?'. Haha. I have a collection of books by Francine Pascal called Fearless, based on Gaia, a 17 year-old orphaned girl who can't feel fear because she doesn't have the gene that causes fear. She is constantly being watched and chased after because of her 'unique' quality, and there apparently seems to be a hidden agenda behind all this, involving FBI and people close to her. Sci-fi stuff. There is swearing and sexual graphic in there, but no, that's not why I read it. The story builds up quite nicely, the suspense is good especially when you have to wait for the next book to come out. The descriptions are witty and as with most sci-fi stories, there is romance involved.

I do read books, I just lost the art of it. Or there is just an abundance of books and chick lit you don't know which is good or not. As for my current book collection (not a lot), I have yet to finish the last two books from the Narnia chronicles. An believe it or not, I have owned The Da Vinci Code for over 2 years now but have never read it. It's back at home in my closet, pages yellowing up. There just isn't a time where I feel totally relaxed and comfortable to sit down and read a book. And there it is, the reason (wow, it's silly how I type and type and think up all these questions and the answer suddenly comes to me like a finger snap). I can only read in a relaxed environment, when there is nothing else to do.

And this is't probably a valid reason but I'll say it anyway; I can't read in moving vehicles, it makes me dizzy. I used to not be able to do it at all, but as I grew older I tried and tried. The dizziness only comes after a few minutes of reading. Still I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to. If I did I'd take breaks in between.

I'll probably get virtual-bitchslapped for this, but I have not finished reading P.S. I Love You. Reason being, I didn't really enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Don't see the hype people made about this book. I think it's the way she writes, it's very simple and dare I say, bland. Although there were some parts which made me smile silly. That's just one person's opinion anyway. Apologies :)

And a short rant on all this hype about Twilight. Most people (i.e. females) say the books are good, some say they aren't. Some are just only starting to read the book because of this hype surrounding the movie. I am now scared to go watch the movie because apparently Edward Cullen is irresistible. And to share with you a little something, my liking for Harry Potter and Narnia started after I watched the first movie. So who says that can't happen again with Twilight. Must... resist... temptation...

Poke, prod, cut, colour, wax, braid

2008-12-12T15:47:00.005+08:00

I don't usually do this but here's a quick post before I get ready for my 10am lecture! It sucks having to leave 2 hours earlier for uni just because the traffic along the road I live is a total bitch. While taking my shower just now, I just want to let this out: I want to do so many things that will probably, firstly, cause me to spend a hefty sum of money, and secondly, get me in trouble with my parents. Yes, you know what it is! Hey, when is a good time to experiment if not now, when you're young, able and carefree? So yea, I probably will do these things, unless I change my mind again like I always do. Librans were blessed with the ugly habit of indecisiveness.

And a reminder as well, I've updated my christmas wishlist (again and again). Keep an eye on it from time to time because it'll probably change regularly. Ooo it's 7.50am and I usually need to be off at 8.30am! OK bye

All I want for Christmas is...

2008-12-06T10:33:00.016+08:00

Here's some stuff I'd probably want. Most are materialistic and some quite demanding, others are just mere suggestions of things I like. In no preferential order:

1. Nylon guitar picks

2. Acoustic guitar soft case bag

3. A bouquet of flowers. I like flowers, even though it doesn't last long, I don't mind.

4. A big box of Ferrero Rocher. Or a box of Milo kotak.

5. Grey/light brown/green contact lenses (no degree).

6. New Era cap (size 6 5/8 or 6 3/4 - not sure really, but the former to be safe). Yes, I have small hands, feet and head. Cemana jua mun badanku ani damit -_-" Any design and colour you think I'll like will do.

7. Too Faced Shadow Insurance

8. Coastal Scents 88 Eyeshadow palette in matte case

I wouldn't mind any cosmetics from GOSH, Rimmel, Barry M, or MAC (hehe). I haven't got any creamy or matte finish eyeshadow, so I think that'd be good. And I haven't got pink shades. No metallics because it's so daring I probably won't end up wearing it.

9. DIY Manicure & Pedicure sets

10. Whoever you are =p

If you don't want to be fancy, that's fine. Yesterday I went to Boots and ada jua bisai-bisai barang gift sets dorang. I use Simple facial products. I also want nail polish. Bah ku bagitau sudah tu ah hehe.

Hmm what else. Nintendo DS Lite in red. Yeah right. And last but not least, surprise me. Don't limit yourselves to this list, you can get me whatever you want. I like surprises.

I'll keep a link direct to this post on the sidebar for easy access and will let you know if I add anything to the list. Happy holidays!

Who put the goat in there?

2008-12-06T07:24:00.007+08:00

The two songs I'm currently addicted to even though it's annoying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXBqfEwydx8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZSLIq6YiRY

That's how you make a hit, make it something so ridiculously catchy that you should hate but can't help to love. No embeds because they're 'disabled on request'. Hmph. From the second clip, I like her hair colour from 1:42. I wish I had that shade. And I know some people will be like, "whaatt" when I say this, but that first clip reminded me of this song below. Hahaha. Apologies in advance.

I SAID I'M SORRY =p

Just a kid at heart

2008-11-30T12:29:00.002+08:00

YouTube has this 'Recommended For You' feature and I get loads of stuff on there every time I go on the YouTube homepage. This video was on that just now and hey, it's a combination of two things that I liked in two stages of my childhood. It kind of had me reminiscing a bit:

And it sounds sweet too. Aww. As a kid I loved Sesame Street. My favourite characters then were Bert and Ernie (despite how annoying Ernie was) and Count Von Count *thunder strike* LOL. I also found Oscar the Grouch quite entertaining. The most annoying character I think would have to be Grover. Especially the skits where he becomes a waiter and serves the bald blue man with the mustache and beady eyes. The beady-eyed man orders rye and Grover keeps on serving him grapefruit. Another thing I like is the animated cup guy that walks around the kitchen, the Teeny Little Super Guy!

And this is Cecille, the singing orange plasticine thing (I have no idea why I liked it, it looks kind of disgusting now).

When I watch the Sesame Street that is aired now, it doesn't have the same appeal to me as it had when I was a kid. Maybe it's because I'm older now. And reading through comments on YouTube, most of the content they put across has changed, and characters have changed in terms of personality too. When I was little I don't remember much of Elmo being the cute furry red thing he is now. He even has his own show. But I'm glad they still have most of their old characters around like Telly, Snuffles and Big Bird and Cookie Monster. And also every time the show ends, it's always by saying who brought the show. "The letter W and the number 5" *looks at upper corner of TV screen*. Hehe.

That first clip up there obviously was from when I didn't watch Sesame Street anymore. I can't remember exactly when I stopped watching Sesame Street but as I got older more of my time was spent in school so there was no chance to watch the show anymore. Plus being a tween you discover the other joys of life like boys and dressing up and undergo things like puberty. Backstreet Boys were from another part of my childhood during my pre-teen years and I have to admit I was crazy for these guys; listening to BSB's very first album in cassette everyday on my mom's old radio, singing every song I could remember in school, in the shower, in front of the mirror with a hairbrush as a microphone. I'd memorise everything in their songs, even the ad-libs. That was me at about 9 or 10 years old.

These are just some parts of my childhood that I'm proud to have had experienced. Some people come from a big family, some people have older brothers and sisters who share with them their musical tastes and watch more grown-up TV shows. Being the eldest child I think my parents wanted the best out of me, just like all parents do. They didn't want me learning not so good stuff from grown-up movies or music videos. And watching Sesame Street as a kid could explain my lightly American accent.

Talking about all this kid stuff makes me want to talk about parenting. But let's save that for another post :) Till then, here's a not so nostalgic clip, more of a 'WTF' one.

Georgie Porgie

2008-11-26T08:17:00.006+08:00

We all love George Sampson, the cute 15-year old who won last year's Britain's Got Talent. He is singing and rapping now apparently! This is his debut music video called Headz Up:

To be honest overall I wasn't very impressed. But I'm glad that George is doing something with his talent, and Britain needs something new in their entertainment scene. It's good that someone young and talented like George Sampson is helping to bring a positive spin to hip-hop and urban freestyle dancing. Sama cute jua bah ia ani, mana inda orang suka hehe.

Rock on

2008-11-21T13:33:00.003+08:00

Here's a little scoop on last week's gigs.

Alter Bridge were awesome. A band from Glasgow called Logan opened from them. Apparently they are pretty huge in the US but not here though. They sound a lot like Alter Bridge, Nickelback and the likes. One of the highlights of the night was when Logan's bassist took of his shirt. He didn't have the most buff body in the world, but hey, it's eye candy for the ladies nonetheless LOL. Other memorable moments were probably when the audience sang together with Alter Bridge's vocalist during the encore.

Bul-let Bul-let BUL-LET! It was a mad night and as much as I wanted to join the insanity, I valued my life more =p It could've been more fun down on the floor in front of the stage but petite ladies in mosh pits is a health hazard. The gig was sold out and the mosh pits were crazy. Opening for Bullet were Black Tide, Bleeding Through and Lacuna Coil. I've only heard of Lacuna Coil prior to coming to the gig, so it was kind of nice to see that Black Tide had a sort of 80s rock feel to them, and I was quite taken aback with Bleeding Through screaming all the way. Ganas hantap =p After quite a long wait, Bullet for My Valentine came on stage and opened their set with Scream, Aim, Fire. The night ended with Forever and Always. No encore performance though but with three opening acts, I think the crowd were more than enough fired up.

Here, check out some videos I took of the two gigs which I uploaded on YouTube. For Bullet my favourite part was when they started playing Tears Don't Fall and after the intro everyone screamed together, "LET'S GO!!!!". Another exciting moment was when Matt Tuck, the vocalist for Bullet suddenly did a sort of pelvic thrust movement out of the blue. It was so random and I don't know if the crowd even noticed it but it was hot. Too bad I don't have that on camera though. As for Alter Bridge, you could hear my lame voice singing along during the Open Your Eyes set. It's always fun when the audience has a piece of the glory.

My top 10 songs of the moment

2008-11-16T20:55:00.009+08:00

This time I have a list of ten because I've just downloaded more songs to my library. For the past few weeks I've been listening to Alter Bridge and Bullet for My Valentine, (gotta revise for them gigs LOL) as well as some RnB and hiphop, thanks to my addiction to America's Best Dance Crew!

Recently I discovered Robin Thicke's new album, Something Else, and now I'm in love *angau*. So here's the ten to share:

10) T-Pain - Church

I don't know why dude, I just like this song. It was featured on one of the ABDC shows, and it's pretty catchy and danceable to. Oh and I think it's on the soundtrack for the movie Step Up 2 as well.

9) Bow Wow feat Omarion - Girlfriend

This one has a catchy beat to it as well. Gotta love this collaboration.

8) B2K - One Kiss

The intro to this song reminds me of George Nozuka somehow. B2K really plays it to the ladies.

I was so far gone
She could do no wrong
Till I caught her in the act
Downright getting it on
How could I not see
That eventually she would break my heart

7) Chris Brown feat Keri Hilson - Superhuman

I have no idea how old this song is, but I only just heard it since the day I downloaded it. And it got me hooked ever since. Who cannot love Chris Brown? =p

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all superhuman
You did that to me
Super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Superhuman

6) Alter Bridge - In Loving Memory

Hehe, post gig effect. When they performed this song at the gig I went to see them at, the vocalist said it was dedicated to a woman who died in a car accident and they found Alter Bridge's CD in her car CD player. Beautiful melody and lyrics.

I've never knew what it was to be alone
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

5) Bullet for My Valentine - Hearts Burst Into Fire

Definitely one of my favourite songs from Bullet, I hummed this song right after I saw them perform live till I went home. There are more favourites that I can choose from, but I singled this one out for the fact that it got stuck in my head the whole night after the gig.

I'm coming home
I've been gone for far too long
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
Hell I've fucked things up again
I'm dreaming
Too much time without you spent

4) Robin Thicke - Sidestep

This is one off his latest album, pretty catchy beat. Makes you want to bust a move.

Maybe I should hurry up get by your side
Follow you around just be on your time
Or maybe I should just leave you behind
Maybe I'm keeping you from a chance at a better life

3) Robin Thicke - The Sweetest Love

Come on, just listening to the first line of the song makes you all happy inside. Trust Robin Thicke to write such sexy songs.

Why do people smile when no one’s smiling?
Its cause they're thinking of someone they’re loving
Keep on believing we are meant to be
And nothing’s stopping you and me from going to heaven

2) Robin Thicke - You're My Baby

Again, keep the sexy coming!

You're part of me and I'm part of you
You're living proof of my dream come true
Here in my walls I will protect you
I'll tell you straight up
Re-educate you in love
You can trust me
You can be all you want in front of me
You can pout, you can smile
You don't have to be perfect
Cause you're perfect the way that you are

1) Robin Thicke - Ms. Harmony

Numero Uno! The song that makes me fall in love everytime I listen to it. This one has a jazzy/soul/smooth RnB style to it. Lawa lah lawa lawa berabisly to the max.

Out with the old, in with the new
Walk away from what all those men did to you
Now you're light on your feet
And now every man touch their head to get a better look

Cause when you feel love, Ms. Harmony
Oh, you deserve everything you dream
Cause when you smile at me, ooh harmony
You light all the world with your energy

Current addiction

2008-11-16T20:36:00.002+08:00

America's Best Dance Crew! I've been stuck to it like Elephant brand Super Glue for over a month now. I watch it over and over almost everyday, I swear. I even go on YouTube and find anything related to the show and crews.

And who spends their time going on vlog sites just to see some of the crews from the show doing silly stuff? It's like a drug to me, seriously. Go on and see these boys in action, you gotta love them.

SuperCr3w blogTV
Supreme Soul TV

If you've never heard of the show, check it out: http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/dance_crew/series.jhtml. They just done their second season over the summer, I can say by far one of the best reality TV competition shows to date.

Kaizo Konpaku

2008-11-15T18:38:00.006+08:00

I've been lazy to blog! Well this week I've been pretty much lazy to do anything, tell that to my lazy self yesterday - was supposed to have morning and afternoon lectures but instead stayed in bed till 4pm! Tsk tsk, certainly not the way to go through final year. Must be the high Indo Mie consumption. Financial constraints lead to food crises, goes both ways =(

Anyway, to catch up on a few things here's a shoutout to Kashful:

Another item off my wishlist, woohoo! If you're wondering what that is, it's name is Kon, an annoying but adorable character from the anime Bleach. I am naming that plushie Super Kon because it's wearing a red cape.

Alter Bridge, Bullet for My Valentine live

2008-11-03T22:08:00.006+08:00

Nisa Z and I are going to see Alter Bridge on the 11th at Wolverhampton and Bullet for My Valentine on the 12th at Birmingham. Anyone wants to join us? Tickets are still on sale, and if you guys are quick enough we can book one for you tonight. If you want to get back at me or ask me any questions, catch me on MSN, drop me a text or write on my Facebook wall. My Cbox and internet connection haven't been the best of friends lately. Enjoy the first week of November!

Daun 'terbaru'

2008-11-03T09:38:00.006+08:00

I was looking through my Wall-to-Wall with Nisa Z on Facebook, and it just opened up a flood of memories. This is something I posted on her wall about a year ago, just because the main actor is cute, as well as it being a new song from Fly to the Sky, a Korean RnB/ballad duo.

Watching the video made me miss those times I was Korean crazy, not just for TV dramas but for Kpop boybands as well. It just goes to show that I'm a typical girl; as pessimistic as I am, deep down there's still a part of me that dreams of the ultimate i.e. will-never-happen-in-real-life love story like what is portrayed in Korean dramas and music videos.

When I think back on all the sweet things the men that have been in my life have done for me, it makes me smile silly. Be it taking a taxi to my house at 1am just because I said I missed him. Or carrying me piggyback all the way to the third floor of the building because this girl is so silly to wear heels on a cold night out (hey, fashion comes first okay?). Or him telling everyone on Facebook through his status that he's missing me. Or surprising me on the morning of my birthday by sending me flowers. It's little gestures like these which makes you smile when you look back on those that could have been. But that doesn't mean you want it all back. You're simply appreciating what was once part of your life. Things didn't work out, it had it's reasons. Good things don't last forever.

I think I might have just reached a point of gratitude. Thank you for being there.

Ending the post with something off tangent here, also another one from last year - to Nisa, Mallie and I'm sure there are more names to mention but I can't remember exactly when and where we discussed this, so sorry. Remember LATIS? Hehehe.

Material girl

2008-10-31T01:26:00.004+08:00

There's so much to talk about but the problem with writing is that you can't always be able to say what you really want to put across. Now I'm just going to talk about my belated birthday gifts. Thank you's goes out to Saiful and Mus who gave me a capo! I always wanted a capo but kept putting off buying one. Thanks for remembering, because I recall telling one of you that you can get me a capo for my birthday since it's affordable. Hehe.

Sexy George on my wallpaper

Also, my birthday present for myself arrived a week after I ordered it, despite me clearly choosing the option for Next Day Delivery. pfft. Anyway, here's my sexy new baby.

No, it's not Daniel Craig in a box...

Sexy C902!

Anyway, it's the titanium version. Another item off my wishlist! The list is steadily becoming less, if you've noticed. I decided not to get the red C902 because it's exclusive on contract to Vodafone, and as an o2 customer I'd prefer to avoid such hassles. The titanium version was released recently exclusive for the upcoming James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. I have James Bond's phone =p It's also only available on the o2 network, both on contract and pay as you go. How convenient. I'm still working out how to get the best out of the 5 megapixel camera, but I can say the video sound quality is great! The touch screen only comes on during camera mode, so there's not much fuss. And it has an auto-rotate function as well, kind of like what the iPhone has. Getting used to this phone isn't a hassle because I've only ever owned two brands of mobile phones - my old school Nokia 3610 from '03 which still works like a charm and was my lifesaver in Paris, the Sony Ericsson k750 which I still hold dear - I really liked the phone but the keypads don't function properly anymore (all my old text messages and contacts are still in there!) as well as the k800i, lent and then given to me =) Thank you. So I'm pretty much very liking and very used to Sony Ericsson mobile phones.

A random photo of my staple food for the past few weeks

Oh and it's either no one reads what I say or just doesn't give a monkey's nuts, but in the previous post I put up a video of my friend playing guitar and singing to Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven. Seriously, I have a friend who could play and sing that well and no one was suspicious? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag-V74TcBf0

Was that to test your attention? Or saja kan main-main hehe. And ani pasal ia kiut berabis.

Inertia

2008-10-30T23:43:00.005+08:00

Life isn't always how you want it to be. You may feel like you're being treated unfairly. Others have two while some have none. Days you thought couldn't get any worse just gotten there. Being given tasks that you know aren't your responsibility to begin with. There can be loads of reasons to make you feel like you're being treated unfairly. The best thing to do is just pick yourself up where you fell and move along. Just like that All American Rejects song. And just like what people would tell you after a break up- move on. Do something about it rather than just mope around and complain. Sooner or later there will be something to show that there are valid reasons for what has happened.

I have a question. Inertia can occur in the human body, right? I don't mean in a physical sense i.e. Newton's Law, but more of a biological sense. Kind of like why do people hesitate with doing certain things. Not really due to a state of mind or emotions, but a state of bodily functions. Like is there some sort of toxin that prevents you from moving and taking action? Haha this does not making sense.

Anyway, that was just some random thing I thought all of the sudden. I have a post drafted up which I will publish once I get the photos that come with it uploaded onto my laptop. Till then, I will start being siuk sendiri like others.

I haven't heard this song in a while; kind of lame now but I like the general meaning of the chorus. Forget about the Mary Kate and Ashley affiliation.

Birthday thank you's

2008-10-20T03:00:00.004+08:00

Greetings from the freshly legal young lady! Thanks to all who've greeted me. Last year I did a shout out on Facebook because there was an overwhelming amount of wishes. This year, although not so much, I still want to give my thanks to everyone who went their way to making my day.

The Birmingham family: Ka Yun, Eena, Yani, Hanis, Razan & Alif, Mallie, Saiful, Mus, Azrul, Abang Abu, Munawir, Ain, Yusrina, Farizah and Iman. Thanks for coming down to Nando's with, hope you enjoyed the food (who doesn't love Nando's??). Big thank you to Nisa and Diyana who along with the guys, Abang Abu, Munnawir, Kashful, Yani and my housemates surprised me at the midnight mark with a hedgehog cake! Thank you so much for the gifts!

Also a shoutout to the Facebook crew: Lots of love to Wani A (who greeted two days in advance hehe), Amaniah, Syamim, Tiqah, Pinky (hehe ngam kamu ah bersusun- kambings for life!), Amal AY, Kayun, Fiena, Niedza, Khairul, Nisa, Laney, Aimi, Eena, White, Fezz (I'm still used to calling you Faiz by the way haha), Diyana, Shuhir, Zaimah, Aizah, Patricia, Aziz, Ewan, Fatin, Maz, Ainun, Adlina, K. Fads, Meha, Wani Sarpuddin, Noor, Nana, Mahirah, Jau, Sanny, Iman, Amalina Azimah a.ka. Lantis, Nadirah, Hannah, Umie and Maaiysa.

Personal online greetings came from Matt, Amal Manaf/Perez (who dropped by here, thank you!) and Adi. Isabelle dropped by here too, thank you!

I also received texts! To think that with the Facebook teachnology, text greetings would cease to exist. Thanks to Fadz who was in London but texted me an hour in advance because she might fall asleep and miss the midnight mark (haha) and also to Taufiq.

Also texting me was my dad who the next morning called me all the way from Brunei, and I got to talk to my little sister as well. Too bad I didn't hear from my mom or other sister. Come on, we're in the same time zone! Haha aku jua yang malas melawat ia di Oxford tu karang.

I should also thank myself (huh?). Haha. Technically I should be thanking the Brunei government for providing me with a monthly allowance. I bought myself a birthday gift of my own. It hasn't arrived yet though =( But yes, another one of my wishlist things will be deleted off the list soon. Guess what? ;)

I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed at all that things hadn't turned out the way I thought it would, especially since it's my 21st and everything. But hey, I still had loads of fun regardless. All that mattered was that I got to spend time with the people close to me, and in Birmingham that's my 'family' :) .

And check out this video that my friend did for my birthday. He's awesome!

Sob for the sad song

2008-10-14T07:50:00.011+08:00

Kamu kamu! It's almost 1am and I'm still up because I don't have class later anyway, Ka Yun's snoring is ringing in my ears even though I have my Sennheisers on, and I am so hung up on this song I just heard. Cuba kamu dangar lagu di bawah ani. Sedih ah, macam kan menangis ku mendengar. Hehe macam. Thanks to Fezz for sharing the song *sobs in corner of room*

I'm still worried that I haven't finalised my dissertation question yet. Cubatah gugur saja dari langit ilham atu masuk dalam kepala ku. Membari sanak jua jadi academic ani eh. And malam ani kami tidur buka tabuk and berkipas angin. And it's not even that cold. 5 girls in a guy's room haha. It's like a slumber party, kan seminggu sudah ku tidur atas lantai. I bet once we move into our house we'll miss this. Tapinya bila kan kami pindah ani. So sick of empty promises and false hopes, it's a wonder how we haven't ended up numb like this guy.

Bimbo refugee

2008-10-12T21:47:00.007+08:00

The weather in Birmingham over the weekend has been great, sunny and quite warm for autumn. Whenever there is sun outside and I don't go out to enjoy it, I feel like I'm missing out on something good. Sunny days don't come very often during academic term in the UK, so I find it sort of a precious moment when it does come. The heat in Britain isn't the same as the heat in Brunei; humidity is the main thing that makes Brunei so sometimes unbearably warm. UK weather is dry and windy, so the heat doesn't really get to you. It's nice and sunny outside, but alas, I'm indoors trying to do some work for my classes next week.

Anyway, it's been a week since I arrived in Birmingham, and me and my housemates are still seeking refuge in our junior's house, and sometimes finding ourselves freeloading on our neighbour's (the guys) food. I cannot wait for that happy day when we move in to our own rented house. It's already trouble enough sharing a bathroom for seven people, added to the difficulty of finding underwear to put on every morning because it's all packed up in boxes.

One of my fears along with a few others recently is of me turning into a bimbo. I don't know if I've given you the impression that already am one, but I'd like to think I am not. Lately I've been having quite a few ditzy moments. Three nights ago, Kashful borrowed my laptop to check out a jacket that he wanted on eBay.

Kashful: Kalau kau kan pakai bagitau aku ah *gestures to laptop*
Me: Eh, kenapa pulang aku kan pakai jacket atu. Laki-laki jua punya tu.
Kashful: EH! Laptop wah! Kalau kau kan pakai laptop mu, bagitau!
Me: Ah! Hahahaha hehehe *tapuk muka*

Back in Brum

2008-10-08T06:59:00.005+08:00

I just realised haven't posted since I arrived in Birmingham. There's still lots to love about this city, what with the new shops and other attractions that have just opened (I think I might have a few new things to add on to my wishlist ;p). And it sucks how my fingers hurt again after not playing guitar for 3 months. And also I have yet to meet the rest of the new Bruneian students in Birmingham.

It's such a pity really because I don't feel like I've settled down at all. The only time I truly felt like I was calm was during Monday's Design for Production workshop. I had my mind focused on my study task, and all those other financial and welfare worries were stowed away. I can't wait to move into our freaking house and just freaking SETTLE DOWN.

Why deal with the housing thing so late, you ask? I mentioned in a few posts back that me and my housemates got screwed over by the letting agency. We were promised a refurbished house by October, only to be told 3 weeks before moving in that the house was not suitable to be lived in because there was no electricity supply for it. Not only that, we didn't hear it straight from the agency, our friend relayed the bad news to us. So many things followed on after this- finding and losing new housemates, financial constraints and academic pressure. And I bet not just for myself but for my housemates as well. To be pissed and frustrated just isn't an option anymore; there is no time for that when time is better spent on fixing the problems. Lagipun sangal sudah kan mental ani, nada gunanya.

On a lighter note, my birthday is coming up soon. It's the big legal age, and I've always wanted this birthday to be an awesome one. But I have a feeling it's not going to be so. I've learned the hard way (and also from Barney Stinson's Date-Time Continuum hehe), the best of plans don't always fall through. "Promises are just words unless they're fulfilled". So no use keeping hopes up. Besides, everyone including myself is still busy sorting out their lives, there isn't much time to plan an 'awesome' birthday celebration. LOL. Ah well, you know what they say, age is just a number. But my wishlist is on the right side of this page, if you're feeling a tad generous ;p Sanak sudah orang Birmingham mendengar hint-hint ku ani (kamu, nanti tani ke New Era lagi ah, aku tunjukkan cap mana satu ku suka hehehehe =p).

Have a good one

2008-10-03T15:30:00.003+08:00

I am off for what will be a very, very busy week ahead. I just got home from Temburong and zoomed to get ready for my flight to UK at 7.30pm. What's waiting for me in Birmingham will not be an easy ordeal. Or ordeals, rather. So many things to do in so little time, settling down to take a breather doesn't seem like an option. So here's a light (and slightly embarrassing) story that I'd like to share before I go off and leave the cyber world for awhile.

As I may have mentioned and you may have read on this blog, I don't have the habit of naming my prized possessions. My laptop is 'my laptop', and my guitar is 'my guitar', and my Sennheiser headphones are 'my Sennheisers'. But there is one thing that I did name. My smelly pillow, or in malay, 'bantal busuk'. I had this pillow since I could remember, and on the eve of Aidilfitri was the first time since never that I washed it. Yes, I washed my old bantal, the one that I call... (damn this is embarassing) ...wait for it... Bantali. Yes. The simple word 'bantal' with a manja '-i' added to the end. The spelling could be either 'bantali' or 'bantaly'. But I prefer the former, that came to mind first. A couple of people who were dear to me (hehe past tense) know the existence of this name. But why I tell everyone the name now? Because it's not an uncommon thing to name your possessions. It's only uncommon when you christen it with lame names like 'bantali'. Pfft.

I have a couple of other things which I've named because they have sentimental value, of which are mostly gifts. Uncanny as it may seem though, I have this other pillow which my two ex-boyfriends have given their own names for. Their names are slightly more 'original', but when they're not around I have my own name for it. I call it 'my snooze time pillow'. Because the pillow's brand name is Snooze Time. How original can I get?

Syawal

2008-10-01T22:33:00.004+08:00

It is officially the eve of Aidilfitri. My neighbours kids are booming away with their fireworks and popping throwers and whatnot, but here I am blogging when I'm supposed to be packing for what could be my last trip to UK. I am looking forward to what the first day of Raya will bring, since I have spent three years living away from home. You might think this point of view is shallow, for Aidilfitri isn't having fun and stuffing yourself with food and playing with what could potentially be atomic bombs and decorating your house just to show off to your relatives and friends and friends of friends. Aidilfitri is so much more than that; it's a celebration of Muslim unity, it's the time to forgive and forget, it's the time to remember those who can't be there to share the joy of the great month with us, to remember those who have left us forever. It's the time to appreciate what God has given us, for there are less fortunate people who can't be as joyful as we can, who can only celebrate through prayers and being blessed with the gift of survival. For me Aidilfitri has always been about bringing family together.

This is how I remember my Hari Raya. On the eve of Raya, the whole family would be busy baking cakes and cleaning the house, and packing clothes and essentials for sleeping over at my granddad's place in Temburong. The day of Eid we get ready in our new clothes and wait for my dad to come back from Aidilfitri prayers at the mosque. We would congregate to the living room where us siblings will ask for the parents forgiveness. Then the first place we will visit is my late grandma's at Lambak. The whole family will be there- sons, daughters, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandsons, granddaughters, great-grandsons, great-granddaughters. Even on the tiny one storey house wooden floorboards, we still gather together happily.

The Raya adventure doesn't end there as thanks to my mother, I am blessed with the privilege of 'balik kampung', very much literally. My mom hails from Temburong and every year we will travel back there to spend time with her side of the family. I remember when we were still kids, Raya at my granddad's place in Temburong would be filled with lagur-lagur sounds of kids running around on the wooden floorboards, kids screaming and laughing and playing. The TV would be on at full blast but no one is actually watching. Aunts chatting away and uncles acting all cool with their discussions. Now that all the kids are grown up, the place just seems so empty.

This year I will only spend one and a half days of Aidilfitri in Brunei. If you ask me, after three years of celebrating this festive season away from home, that deal is better than nothing. But the difference it makes is so big. My sister is now in the UK and will not celebrate Raya with us, the first place we go to on the first day of Eid will no longer be at my grandma's house, but now at her grave. My parents have made it a custom to use the motorboat service in Bandar to travel to Temburong. Traffic has been horrible the past few years at Kuala Lurah since I left, so there won't be anymore roadtrips through Limbang listening to Raya songs on the radio.

I remember telling someone that I've forgotten how Raya in Brunei is. He said it's the same like always. Being that he has never spent Raya away from home, I can see how I disagree with him. And looking at all the changes that are happening, my feelings couldn't be truer. Times change, as age increases little things that were so customary seemed to be taken for granted. However, I could be wrong; there are about 10 more hours till family visiting starts. And just maybe I could see all that I've missed for three years again.

And a fitting end to this post should be an Aidilfitri greeting from myself to all my readers, be it I know you personally or not. Have a joyous Hari Raya. I ask forgiveness for anything I have done that might have bothered you in any way, be it that happened recently or from years ago. I am only human, and not the best of humans either. We can only try our best to be the best. Enjoy your Syawal.

Kamu tu nggak tau...

2008-09-28T00:46:00.002+08:00

Last night I had a dream that I was listening to this nice song, it sounded a bit like Lifehouse or Nickelback. Naturally since it was in a dream I now forget how it sounded like, but it had the words 'like heaven with you' repeated at the end. It probably could be a song featured in the movie Semi-Pro (since I fell asleep while watching it- no, I was just sleepy), but I seriously doubt it. So either I was listening to that song in my sleep, or I dreamed of a really cool song that doesn't exist. Awesome.

It's just killing me though, that I probably would never get to listen to that song again. On another note, I'm glad that I managed to catch all my favourite TV shows premieres, and finish Season 1 of Chuck. I also watched a Korean drama, Princess Hours, which honestly was pretty slow and I admittedly fell asleep watching a few episodes. I didn't even watch the ending properly. Tapi ku liat jua all 24 episodes ah. I just needed some sweet 'will-never-happen-in-real-life' love story scenario to distract me from the dullness that is my summer holiday.

In three days I'll be done with my work placement, and in four days we Muslims will be celebrating Aidilfitri, InsyaAllah. Two days after that will be the day I head back to UK to do another year of studying. I honestly think I want to get this over and done with soon. I need the real world to give me a wake up call. Being a student is only a tiny part of what is out there in the working world. Besides, sangal ku sudah doing everything just for the sake of getting a degree and securing a job opportunity. Or maybe it's because I've been in a working environment for the past few weeks, iatah makanya iski kan bekerja. Or maybe I just want to learn how to be maturely independent. I don't think I'm ready to undergo another year of study, both intellectually and experience-wise. To write up a thesis of thousands of words requires vast knowledge and experience in my field of work, both of which I sadly lack.

I haven't been blogging as religiously as before; the inspiration has gone off for holidays as well, it seems. But I do find that sometimes it's when you have so much to say that you tend not to say it. That sometimes there are things better kept to yourself.

LOL I am currently listening to Alexandria's soundtrack version of Menunggu Pagi by PeterPan (of which I still cannot find the mp3 for the original version!) and that oh so awesome line just came up:

"Aku sayang sama kamu sejak album Blitz itu, sampai sekarang!! Kamu tu nggak tau aku sayang sama kamu!!!"

Indonesian's have the best over-dramatic actors. Nevertheless, it's still an awesome frustrated- driving-in-the-rain-after-a-breakup song. I have the movie in my hard drive but have yet to watch it. It's been a while since I watched a good Indonesian movie. Actually I've only watched ONE good Indonesian movie, and that was Tentang Dia. DO NOT watch Dealova if you haven't already. Do not be influenced by the beautiful theme song; the movie is nothing like it *shudders*.

By the way, I got bored of the last layout so here's something that you'll either love or hate or just be indifferent about. But I liked the Yellow Ranger because all the other girls liked the pink one.

Missing you and nobody knows

2008-09-24T06:00:00.009+08:00

You know those moments when you're sitting alone lost in your own thoughts? I had one a few days ago and suddenly this song came into mind, for some random reason unknown to me till this day:

The Tony Rich Project - Nobody Knows. This was one of my first favourite songs, I remember first listening to it on the radio back when I was in Primary 5, that was in 1996. I always liked the melody and soulfulness of it, but only during that day when I got lost in thought I realised how much this song means and how any person who has been heartbroken before can relate to it. Funny right? Mana inda, first time mendengar lagu ani masa sekolah rendah, balum jua tau apa-apa tu haha. Gila, classic lagu ani. And I just knew that the guy who was singing is Babyface! Lerr...

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing in more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown, I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

There has been a change of plans

2008-09-20T22:06:00.003+08:00

A few days ago, one of my future housemates just explained to us the situation of how we got screwed over by our letting agency. Long story short, we're not going to live in the house we've been daydreaming about (and paid the holding fee and deposit for!). The rooms are big and location wise is close to other Bruneian students' houses as well. I had dibs on the huge ass attic room with the roof windows (I could star gaze anytime I wanted!). Sayang ah. Ah well, maybe there is a better house for us. We've found some, although location was not as ideal as the house we initially wanted, the house itself seems good. Thanks to our UK correspondent for checking things out. LOL.

This whole turn of events got me thinking about how things don't usually turn out how we planned them to. It got me thinking about vacation plans being altered, how my course of education has changed due to stupid mistakes I inflicted upon myself, about plans with people you thought would go through... well, in the case of losing the house, that was just us getting screwed over by the letting agency. Payah jua kan mental, benda sudah terjadi. Best to take action and move on to better things.

Everything happens (and doesn't happen) for a reason. There are probably much better things coming our way and much better people who will enter our lives. There are some things in life which future we can control, and other things in life are beyond our power. God always wants the best for us, we just tend to f*ck that opportunity up.

The Date-Time Continuum

2008-09-15T00:41:00.007+08:00

Atu buleh, nada response arah my last post ah. It's the theme song from How I Met Your Mother! Lerr...

Speaking of How I Met Your Mother, I bet avid HIMYM fans know the epitome of awesomeness that is Barney Stinson. I probably wouldn't want him as a real life friend though because he'll probably get me involved in loads of crazy stuff and I don't exactly have a high tolerance level =p But you got to hand it to the guy for coming up with all these theories on relationships (big applause to the writers of the show!). Here's one which I particularly like, because it's so freaking true (and pretty much general knowledge, if not common sense):

Dammnnn, that's a lesson right there. If you don't already know that, please keep it in mind. Nothing is worse than keeping your hopes up, or keeping the other person's hopes up.

The drama is back

2008-09-07T01:34:00.006+08:00

This is my current personal message on MSN. Guess what it is ;) :

~ pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa da da da da da da da da da.... ~

Anyway, September is here and that means brand new seasons for those American TV series! I'm psyched that Prison Break has already made it's comeback although I haven't managed to watch it yet. Gossip Girl is back as well, but so far no temptation has crossed my mind to watch this piece of dramatic TV. One Tree Hill is back for it's 6th season, and I might just catch up on all, seeming as the last time I watched it was in season 4. Or was it 3. LOL. What I can't wait for are Heroes and How I Met Your Mother! Scrubs is on my list as well, only because I am an avid fan of the series (sadly the current season is disappointing).

Finally there is something to look forward to on weekdays again =D

Ugly thoughts

2008-09-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

A few months ago, I found out my little sister likes to read books written by Roald Dahl. I suggested that she read The Twits, a book which I loved when I was little, it was read to the class when I was in Primary 2. The following is from a part of the book describing Mrs Twit:

Mrs Twit was no better than her husband. She did not, of course, have a hairy face. It was a pity she didn't because that at any rate would have hidden some of her fearful ugliness.

Take a look at her.

Have you ever seen a woman with an uglier face than that? I doubt it. But the funny thing is that Mrs Twit wasn't born ugly. She'd had quite a nice face when she was young. The ugliness had grown upon her year by year as she got older.

Why would that happen? I'll tell you why.

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

Good on Dahl for telling us like it is. Written perfectly for kids to understand and find amusement with, and for adults to learn from. Being happy actually boosts self-confidence and attracts others' attention to ourselves. Who like a sour lemon anyways?

But then, how do you explain those sour outcasts who some people can't help but feel attracted to? For example Marlena, Lizzy Caplan's character in Cloverfield. Maybe they give off a sense of mystery so instilling curiousity. From personal experience, I've never come across anyone like this who could be approachable, as pretty as they may be.

However my point here is ugly thoughts. It's best you leave those unwanted assumptions unthought of. If there ever comes a point where those ugly assumptions creep into your mind, kick them away like a pair of sweaty socks. There's no use assuming this and that, when there's so much more to your life to explore, so many opportunities to create.

My Top 4 Songs of the moment

2008-08-31T01:36:00.004+08:00

Only four for now, because I can't find another to make it five. From fourth to first:

4) Musiq Soulchild - Love

I've never heard any of his songs before, but I saw a cover of his song on YouTube, and liked the song immediately. The meaning of the song is universal really, when he's talking about love it could be for someone or God or for love itself. A nice song to chill out to.

Love
So many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I don't know how
Cause there's a possibility
You'll look at me differently

3) The Cab - I'll Run

I love how The Cab has a hint of boyband sound to them (or maybe that's just me ah =p). They're signed on to Fueled By Ramen, the record label that also manages bands such as Fall Out Boy, Paramore and Panic At The Disco. So The Cab should be a good catch.

The song is so straightforward yet so fresh, a guy simply telling a confused and skeptical girl that he'll be there for her no matter what. When I listened to it, there was that hint of Boys Like Girls/Cute Is What We Aim For. Aku suka pasal their music makes me happy heheh.

Because sometimes, baby, you fall on your back
But girl, you're three times a lady I'll ever have
You know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose

2) Bunga Citra Lestari - Someone Like U

A few nights ago I was in my room and RTB2 was on, they were showing an Indonesian movie called Kangen which stars Bunga Citra Lestari. Good on her for Ashraf Sinclair by the way. Damn.

Anyway, this song was featured in the movie. I wasn't concentrating on the movie since I was online at the same time. And remember Dealova? The movie quality is something like that *shudders*. But suddenly the song came on and I was like, "lawa lagu ani. Macam Ten2Five nyanyi.. Ten2Five kah? *googles*". So yea, it sounds a little like what Ten2Five might sing, so if you like them check this song out. Cute.

I will never find someone like you
But I have to go on and I still will go on
I might never find love like yours
And those sweet memories it will always last forever

1) Ten2Five - Hanya Untukmu

Speaking of Ten2Five. This song reminds me of those schooldays when I would wonder what it's like to have a boyfriend (lol kesian). Late nights if I'm still awake and a slow, romantic song starts playing on the radio, I sit beside my bed and daydream.. LOSER! But this song really brings back the naivety.

Inikah rasanya bila ku sedang jatuh cinta
Setiap hela nafasku bahagia
Mengenal hatimu hadirkan indahnya dunia
Kau bawa irama cinta di jiwa
Semua yang ku mau hanyalah dirimu satu
Kaulah jawapan semua doa
Semua yang ku rasa rindu dalam asa didekap cinta
Hatiku untukmu

Cerita Korea

2008-08-30T01:41:00.003+08:00

I just finished watching this Korean TV series, Coffee Prince. It actually aired on RTB2 a couple of weeks back but I didn't get to catch every episode on TV. But there was this part where the guy and the girl, who are dating, were texting each other:

Guy: Asleep yet?
Girl: I'm not sleeping.
Guy: What are you up to?
Girl: I want to see you!!!!!
Guy: Let's see each other in our dreams.

Not satisfied with the guy's answer, the girl ran out of her house all the way to the guy's apartment.

I must've looked stupid watching that part of the show, with me smiling silly. Dorang texting atu cute wah. It's just so real. The first few months of dating is cute that way. Then the 'happy' chemicals wear off and you're left having to work at your relationship.

The whole running scene was quite overrated though, but it's not impossible. Anyway, I watched the series again online. It's been a while since I've watched Korean drama series. The thing is that Korean series portray so much hope. Love like that is so impossible yet you long so much for it. I realised that I go back to my naive self when watching it, that feeling of wanting your Prince Charming to sweep you off you feet. I don't know but maybe it's in their culture, tapi sweet ah lelaki Korea ani =p Sometimes to the point where it's unbelievable.

Any Korean drama buff will know the essence of Korean dramas. Inda buleh ketinggalan:

a) Piggyback scenes, there must be at least one time someone gets drunk and gets piggybacked home.

b) Stuffing mouthfuls of rice/noodles in one's face while sulking over a lost love

c) Cheesy quotes and sayings e.g. If you hold your breath in a elevator while thinking of someone until you reach your floor destination, the person you were thinking of will appear on the floor that you are heading to (from My Girl)

d) The guy shouting at the top of his lungs at the girl because he's mad at her (nada manners banar lelaki Korea ani haha)

e) Apa lagi, I can't remember but I'm sure you Korean drama buffs can think of something.

Tapi kan, despite all the cheesiness and cliches, smiling silly jua ku masih olehnya. I do wish I could go back to the naivety sometimes, because it's easier.

Always say goodbye

2008-08-28T17:15:00.001+08:00

I sent my sister off at the airport on Tuesday. The rest of the Brunei-Muara population came as well (gila panuh bah aiport ah) and I even met a couple of familiar faces. There were tons of MS people, it was like the whole sixth form came. Siap sama football team bawa banner sekolah and nyanyi lagu sekolah lagi. Belabih banar. YouTube karang, "student MS belabih". Hehe.

When we saw my sister off at the departure gate, my cousin tarus-tarus riuh arahku. "Tu boyfriend nya ah, inda ia cakap bye-bye bisai-bisai. Ia menangis ah." I looked around and saw him. He's not only tall, he's well-built as well. Tapi menangis, nampak matanya hidungnya merah. I don't know maybe he was also sad for sending off his other friends as well? Tapi kan, rawan hati ku meliat. Laki-laki mana yang sedih meliat girlfriend keluar negeri berbulan-bulan. Ada pulang. Tapi aku inda pernah meninggalkan orang cematu wah. Selalunya aku yang kana tinggalkan. So inda pernah ada lah orang bersedih akan pemergianku. Sigh. Iatah I was touched tadi. How a guy of his size and age buleh bersedih sampai sebegitu hanya untuk kekasihnya yang pergi melanjutkan pelajaran keluar negeri. Aku dalam cerita Korea saja lah aku angan-angan. Daniel Henney kah... Lee Dong Wook kah... Gong Yoo kah... dorang saja menangis pemergianku pun jaditah, walaupun dalam angan-angan.

Hehe anyway, I didn't shed any tears because hey, I'm going back to UK in about a month. We'll see each other if anything.

Contentment seems so hard to reach.